Downfall(56)

I had to clear my throat and rub the back of my hand across my face before I could speak again. “If no one is going to claim Lester’s body, tell your brother I will. He needs a proper burial.” Not just because he served his country, but because he served our city. He deserved to be laid to rest with respect.

The Boss made a noise and I heard the sound of his chair scraping backward over the floor. “Don’t worry about that. I called you before I broke the news to my girl. She’s got a soft spot for the old guy. I’m gonna make sure he gets a proper send off. I do need the details of what you’re dealing with, though. I don’t know how to fight with cash either, but we both know a few people who do. Not gonna let anything happen to you and your girls, kid.”

He hung up without a goodbye and I let the phone fall in my lap. The fast food made my car smell like French fries, and for some reason it reminded me of the night Orley came to pick Noble up smelling the same way. I wondered if I would ever smell the greasy, delicious scent without remembering how she felt underneath my hands for the first time.

Pushing out a deep breath, I shook my head and determinedly wrestled my emotions back under control. I was sad about Lester, but there were people depending on me; I couldn’t let emotions get the better of me. Everyone who lived here long enough learned how to compartmentalize their feelings in order to keep their eye on the prize, which was normally escaping the city limits. If you allowed sadness, disappointment, and anger to consume you, the city would never let you go. Here, you had to be stronger than all the things trying to break your heart on a regular basis.

I drove back to the garage in a slight daze, and when I walked through the door of the hidden apartment, it took everything I had inside of me to plaster on a normal face and shove the worry and sadness aside. Orley picked up on the change in my mood right away. I could see the concern on her face and assured her nothing was wrong. The worry didn’t leave her gaze, and I realized she thought the reason I was being so distant was because of our little dust up earlier. It was the first time we’d really clashed, and now I couldn’t look directly at her without picturing her bringing Lester something warm to eat when she came home from work. I didn’t want to explain what happened to the older man in front of Noble. The little girl already had so much change thrust upon her, she didn’t need to have the entire concept of death laid out in front of her before she turned four.

After a quiet, tense dinner, I showed Noble how she could FaceTime Riley and helped Orley make up the fold-out couch into a bed for the little girl. At some point, the apartment had been renovated from a spartan studio to a spacious one bedroom. Apparently, I was just one in a long line of people using the place to hide out, and the Boss decided to make it a more comfortable place to crash. It was actually nicer than either of our apartments at the Skylark.

I told Orley I could crash on the fold-out so she and Noble could take the king-size bed in the bedroom. She waved me off and told me Noble would be fine tucked in, surrounded with pillows. I got the sense she wanted me in the room so she could give me the third degree about my sullen mood. I collected my phone from a sleepy-looking Noble and made my escape into the bathroom. There was only one, and at the moment it looked like a sanctuary.

I tossed my clothes in a messy heap on the floor and turned on the water as hot as I could stand. I flinched when I climbed under the spray, and it opened the floodgates. Face hidden in the fall of the fast-moving water, the tears and emotions I’d kept on lock-down flowed freely. I pounded my fist on the slick tiles in front of me and breathed like I’d just finished running a marathon. It was impossible to think about going home and not seeing the unidentifiable lump of dirty clothes covering the bottom step. I was supposed to be immune to losing the people I cared about. That was the first lesson I learned living in this city, but I couldn’t stop the pain of that loss from taking me to my knees.

I wasn’t sure when or how I ended up on the tiled floor of the shower, but that was where Orley found me. I heard the door click open somewhere in the roar between my ears, but I couldn’t bear to look up. I laced my fingers together and put them on the back of my head as I let the water wash away all evidence of my sorrow.

The glass door opened and the air shifted as Orley slid into the enclosure behind me. A moment later, her arms wrapped around me as her front pressed against my back. She was so close, there was no room for the water to run between the places where our skin touched. I felt her lips touch the back of my neck as her hold tightened when I started to shake.

She rested her cheek on my shoulder and made the same soothing noises I heard her make when Noble was upset. It was sweet. The last person who held me when I fell apart was a nurse whose name I never caught, the night my mother was shot.

“It’s going to be okay. I don’t know what happened after you left, but whatever is wrong, we can fix it.” Her voice was a whisper that almost got lost under the water.

It was my job to tell her that. It was my job to make sure things really did end up okay. I doubted I would ever have the words to show Orley how important it was, how special it was to have someone in my life who helped carry the weight of my very heavy world for once.

This would be the moment I looked back and realized I was in love.

This would be the moment I would remember forever when things felt like they wouldn’t be okay, because as long as she was there, as long as she took care of me and let me take care of her, things really would be okay no matter how bad they got.