Down and Out(83)

He winces, but I’m not sure if it’s from my words or the heartbroken way they poured out of me. Declan presses his hands together, touching the sides of his fingers to his lips. His eyes burn into me as he says, “Is that what you think? That I’m punishing you?” He steps forward. “Savannah, I’m not mad at you, I’m hurt. You agreed to do this fight without even talking to me about it. And no, you don’t need permission,” he says, holding up a hand to stop me from arguing, “but a discussion about it would’ve been nice. It’s a big decision, and you didn’t even think to include me in it. I was just an afterthought to you, and it f*cking broke my heart.” He shakes his head, his mouth pressed tight. “I trade punches for a living, but nobody can hurt me like you. Nobody can land a hit like you and leave me as breathless and torn up.”
His voice rises with every impassioned word, and I’m left here, speechless and floored.
“Why can’t you see that?” he continues. “Why can’t you see how much I care? Why can’t you see that I’d do anything for you!”
“I’m not asking you to do anything for me!” I can’t help but feel defensive, especially now that I realize our rift was my fault. Here I’ve spent all this time being mad at him and blaming him when it was me who did us in.
“You don’t have to!” he shouts back. “I want to do stuff for you. I want to take care of you, Kitten—”
“I said don’t call me that.” Feeling a tear hit my lip, I smack his hand away as he reaches for me. It still hurts to hear that name, and I feel stupid for getting attached to it in the first place. “I’m not your Kitten anymore.”
His jaw tightens. “Yes, you are.” The words come out thick and sure. His eyes—swimming with such depth and emotion—absolutely destroy me when they turn shiny with unshed tears.
My throat burns with the force of trying to hold everything in. All I can do is shake my head no.
Declan closes the space between us, cupping my jaw and making me look up at him. “Yes. As long as I’m alive and breathing, you’ll be my Kitten. It doesn’t matter how many miles you put between us or how much time passes. I’ll never not think of you as mine.”
His fingers trail down my arms as he sucks in a shaky breath. “These hands?” He brings my hands up to his face and kisses the back of each one. “These fingers?” he says, kissing the pads. “Mine. All of it.” He looks down and rubs the base of my left ring finger as a lone tear drops down his cheek. “It doesn’t matter if it has someone else’s ring on it someday.” Giving me the world’s saddest smile, he says, “It’ll still be mine.”
My eyes sting as this unnamed emotion wells inside me. It’s suffocating. Painful.
“And this?” He presses his palm over my heart, and I glance down at the anchor on the back of his hand—anything to keep from having to look at the tortured expression on his face. “It beats faster when I touch you, doesn’t it?”
My traitorous heart jumps in response, which has the side of his mouth curving up. As my heart spastically thumps against his hand, Declan’s thumb traces the little valley of skin exposed by the cowl neck of my dress.
“That’s because it’s mine,” he says. “You can pretend like it’s not all you want, but the heart doesn’t lie.”
The damn thing skips a beat as my stomach does what’s written on his knuckles, underneath the anchor.
He takes my hand in his free one and places it atop his heart. “You feel that? Those wild, crazy beats? You do that to me,” he says, pressing my palm into his chest so I can feel every erratic pound.
I shake my head, feeling moisture spill down my face in a steady stream. “Stop,” I cry, trying to pull my hand away.
But he doesn’t. He places his other hand atop mine, trapping it to his chest. “I can’t stop, Savannah. Don’t you get it yet? I love you. I love you so much it f*cking hurts, so much I can’t even f*cking breathe, and your constant indifference to it breaks my heart every goddamn day.”
My eyes shoot up to his as the air rushes out of my lungs. Did he just say he loves me? He can’t love me. That’s just. . .
Anxiety seizes up my throat, closing off my airway as my mind spirals out of control. “You can’t love me. You can’t. I—”
What have I done? How did I let things get this far? Real feelings weren’t supposed to get involved and they certainly weren’t supposed to get hurt. Oh, God, this is too much.
None of this was supposed to happen.
Declan’s chest rises and falls rapidly. “I do. My heart belongs to you. It’s worthless to me without you, so if you leave, you better take it with you. I don’t want it if you’re not here. It’ll be dead and broken, so put me out of my misery now and just take it, please.” A tear slips down and hits his cheek as he desperately clings to my hand over his heart. “Take it!”
“I don’t want it.” I choke on a sob. I swear I can feel his heart shatter and break underneath my fingertips, and I hate myself for hurting him, but it’s true.
I don’t want his heart. It’s too much responsibility, and I wouldn’t have any idea how to take care of something so precious. I don’t know how to be something to someone, and I don’t want to be. It leaves too much room to get hurt. I just never stopped to think the person getting hurt would be Declan instead of me, and for that, I’m truly sorry.