Don’t You Forget About Me(49)
This description of Phil’s allure isn’t just the ‘smitten’ talking. Phil has large, expressive, boy-child eyes, thinning dark hair and a rogue-ish grin. He looks like the personable host of a consumer affairs or DIY television show, and if it existed there would be a Facebook group dedicated to housewives fancying him. He’s nice enough looking, but that’s not where his power lies. What he’s got is the ability to fill a room with his presence, boundless enthusiasm, and a big heart (if you’re not the woman wanting answers). As a social presence, he’s like putting a Mentos in a bottle of Coke; instant froth-over explosion.
Phil can turn his enemies into friends if you give him half an hour, although the drug wears off once you’re not physically near him. Clem would strenuously deny this, but I’ve even seen her give him grudging smiles.
‘… Why does Phil want to go to a wedding with me in front of all his family and friends, but not actually have a relationship?’
‘He doesn’t want to be single on his sister’s big day?’ I say.
‘No, it isn’t that. You know Phil. He could talk to anyone, he’d barely be left alone. It’s because he does care about me, and he does see me as his “other half” … he wants me to share it, be there for the first dance, and give his nan a hug.’
I sense why Jo didn’t want Rav and Clem here for this. A mistimed poison dart thrown by either of them – intended target, Phil, but potentially wounding Jo – would make it too hard to be this open.
‘And I realised, he doesn’t care if it makes everyone think we’re serious. Your usual man, dodging settling down, he’d run a mile from the spectacle of people saying “You, next!” to us, right? That’s not Phil’s problem. A special occasion is fine, he’s hardly likely to meet a better offer on a day at Whitley Hall Hotel when he’s busy being an usher. The fact is, we work in every way, except for one thing, which is in Phil’s head.’
Jo draws a shaky breath.
‘He can’t do the ordinary day in, day out, because he can’t accept that I’m all there is. Making me his full time, long-term girlfriend, George, he sees it as accepting defeat. He’s got all this potential, girls going Beatlemania, and yet he ends up with Jo, a hairdresser in his home town who’s two years older than him and goes to Weight Watchers and has a mortgage and a cat on thyroid pills. He loves me, but I represent giving up his dreams. He won’t even admit that to himself, which is why he never has an answer for me, when I ask why we’re only ever sort-of “seeing how it goes”.’
I open my mouth to deny it, say how short-sighted of Phil this is, but stop myself and squeeze Jo’s arm instead. I learned after Dad died that rushing in with denials when someone says: ‘This is a pile of shit, and it hurts,’ however well meant, can be stifling.
‘Once I realised that, it was easy to end it, Gee. It killed my feelings, like turning a light out under a pan on the boil. It stopped me lying to myself and romanticising about how he needs time, he’ll come round. I don’t want someone who has to come round. Who has to resign himself to me by age thirty-five, when he’s worn himself out looking for better options.’
I slide my glass towards hers, chink it, drink.
‘Of course, now he can tell I’ve lost interest, he’s bothering me every hour,’ Jo says.
‘Of course.’
‘It’s weird, I lived for his attention and now I’m watching the messages pile up, as if I’m just a bystander, seeing how obvious it is. Pull away, he pulls me back. He has to make me love him as much as I did before and he doesn’t question why, or what it does to me.’
‘I’ve had exactly that sensation with Robin. I’m only interesting when I’m a challenge.’ I pause. ‘Phil is a lot less of a git than Robin though, don’t want you to think I’m equating them.’
Jo meets my eyes.
‘Phil isn’t a shagger, you know. He’s worse than that. It’s not about sex. He wants to win people’s love all the time. But once he has it he doesn’t know what to do with it. So he moves on to the next land to conquer.’
She’s criticised him before, but this is the most pitilessly incisive I’ve ever heard Jo be on the Phil topic. It makes me think this truly is the end.
She sighs.
‘Trouble is, I have to try to forget how good it felt, when it was good. I might never feel like that with anyone again. But that’s the risk I have to take, right? When I know it’s over and we shouldn’t be together. I think I can manage not being in love with Phil anymore – but not being in love with what it felt like, that’s the hard bit.’
I agree, and wish I could tell her just how much I understand what she means. My words are never eloquent enough. Sorry for your loss.
Jo didn’t need to worry about the remaining pair of our foursome not sensing how raw she’s feeling. After they clatter in, they’re both a great balm to the soul.
Neither of them are scornful about Shagger Phil. It makes me realise how much they reviled Robin, that Phil gets a considerably more respectful send off. It’s practically a Viking funeral, compared to Robin’s ‘tramp the dirt down’ farewell.
‘Yearning and pining for more, or what the kids call FOMO, fear of missing out, is the curse of the modern age,’ Rav nods, when Jo repeats her diagnosis of why Phil can’t reconcile himself to being her partner. ‘I tell clients, contentment is a wonderful thing, but a state of discontentment sells more goods and services.’