Dirty Red (Love Me With Lies)(61)

Wanna go to the mall tomorrow, yeah?

You have that shirt you borrowed from me, yeah?

You’re the worst sister in the world, yeah?

I am the worst sister in the world. Courtney, who always stuck up for me, always reminded my parents that I was alive … where is my loyalty to Courtney? I haven’t been to visit her once since…

I kick the door shut with my foot and carry Estella to her nursery. I take off the Mary Poppins dress. She gurgles and kicks her legs like she’s glad to be free of it. “Yeah,” I coo. “Let Daddy dress you in middle school and you might not have any friends.”

She smiles.

I start screaming Sam’s name. I hear his heavy footsteps as he charges up the stairs. “Wha—?” he says breathless. “Is she breathing?”

“She smiled!” I clap my hands.

He peers over my shoulder. “She’s been doing that.”

“Not at me,” I argue.

He looks at me as if I’ve grown another head. “Wow,” he says. “Wow. You grew a heart, and all it took was seven boxes of chocolate covered raisins.”

I flush. “How do you know about that?”

“Well, I took out the trash this morning, for one thing. And I’ve been finding them all over the floor.”

I’m quiet for a long time as I dress Estella in something more fashionable. It’s like dressing an octopus, all the limbs moving at the same time. I contemplate telling Sam that it was his words that shook me up a little, but decide not to. I tell him about Courtney instead. “Sam, I have a sister.”

He raises an eyebrow. “Great. So do I...”

“I’m having a serious moment here, Sam!” He motions for me to carry on.

I brush Estella’s hair. “I haven’t seen her in a very long time. She’s never even met Estella. Do you think that might have something to do with my…postpartum?” I test the word out, glancing at him sideways to see his reaction.

“I’m not a doctor.”

“Yet,” I say.

“Yet,” he smiles. “But, anything is possible. You are a pretty vile human being.”

I ignore him and brush Estella’s hair.

“So, take Estella and go see her,” he says, finally.

“Yeah,” I say. “Will you come with me?”

“I don’t see why — “

“Okay, great. Get your things. Also, I need you to make an OB/GYN appointment for me. I need drugs.”

“I’m not your secretary. We’ve had this discussion before.”

“See if you can get something for Tuesday.”

I walk out of the room.

“Leah,” he calls after me. “Your baby…”

“Oh, yeah.” I head back for Estella and pick her up.

She looks so cute. “We’re going to see your auntie,” I say.



We don’t go see Courtney. Cash calls. Normally, I don’t take her calls. Or her e-mails … or her Facebook messages. But since I am reforming my life, I pick up when her name flashes across my screen.

“What do you want, Cash?”

“Oh, you picked up!”

“Would you rather I not have?”

There is a pause. I assume she’s gathering all of her words together. God knows she’s been saving them up for two years.

“Leah, I’m so sorry,” she says. I hear her sniff and wonder if she’s crying.

“That’s a given,” I snap. “You are a liar.”

“I was just doing what he asked,” she says.

“Courtney is my sister,” I say firmly. “And I will do everything I can to protect her.”

“That’s what I wanted to speak to you about.”

I wrap my free arm around my waist. I suddenly feel very vulnerable. Why did this woman think she could talk to me about my sister?

“I’ve tried to see her. They won’t — “

“Stay away from Courtney,” I say. “She doesn’t want to see you.”

I hear Cash sob and feel a pang of pity. Maybe, I’m being too harsh. I wonder what Courtney would say to her.

“I need to tell her I’m sorry. I need — “

I cut her off. “I have to go. Don’t call me again, Cash. I’m serious.”

I hang up and immediately go to the closet and pull out Courtney’s umbrella picture. I hold it against my chest, gnawing on my bottom lip. How could I stay away from her as long as I had? What was wrong with me? We used to be so close.

I start to laugh, covering my mouth at first, trying to stifle the hyena-like noises. I can’t control it. The laughter rolls out of me, climbing in volume. It’s the easiest thing I’ve done all day. When Sam comes to stand in the doorway of my closet, I abruptly stop.

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing.”

I straighten up, stashing the painting away before he can see it.





Chapter Thirty-TwoPast



He left me after the trial. Not right after. We had three months of silence during which I learned what it was to be married and utterly alone. Caleb went back to work right away, leaving me at home alone for most of the day. I roamed the house and watched daytime television, feeling depressed. I had expected things to go back to normal after the trial was over, never considering that I would be out of a job and my high profile case would tarnish my name, despite my non-guilty verdict. My father’s company was dismantled. What was left of it was used to pay settlements to the families of the deceased and my attorney’s fees. Caleb’s moods were remote. He wouldn’t look at me anymore. It was the stress of the trial, I decided. I suggested we take a vacation together. He said he had already taken too much time off of work for the trial. I suggested marriage counseling. He suggested time apart.