Devoured (Devoured #1)(49)

More of the detachment floats away, constricting my throat. "Sam?" I ask in a hoarse voice. I think of her words to me last night at Cilla's party, of Lucas's argument with her yesterday morning.

"She's got something on him, Sienna. I've got no f*cking clue what it is but she threatened him. She doesn't want him happy. She's - "

Sam is the queen of hearts inside of the stopwatch.

Sam is calling the shots on Lucas, so he feels he has to call them on everyone else, on me.

The rest of the numbness is gone now, leaving a nauseating pain in the center of my chest. I pull over at a gas station and rest my head on the steering wheel. "Kylie, I'll call you back," I whisper. She's still talking, begging me not to go, when I draw the phone from my ear. I hang up on her, powering it completely off.

And then, the tears finally come.

When everything is said and done, and after I spend the night feeling sorry for myself in a seedy pay by the hour motel, I go back to Gram's house. Her eyes are damp when she meets me outside on the porch and it takes everything not to cry too.

"You're back," she says, embracing me.

I breathe her scent in, nodding. "Only for a few days."

"I should probably go ahead and tell you that the new owner, Mr. Wolfe, won't be moving to Nashville after all. He's very generously given me the house back," she says. I feign surprise, gasping, and her grip tightens around me. "Sienna, I know where you've been."

My blood runs cold as I lean back slowly, ashamedly, to meet her gaze. "What?"

"When we went to see your mom yesterday, Seth told me. Now, don't get angry with him - he was only trying to give me some peace of mind, but to be honest . . ."

And as Gram leads me into the house - her home - I hear myself telling everything. I leave out the specifics, of course, but she listens, hanging on to every word I have to say. I put enthusiasm into my voice; make my actions lively and happy.

After I'm finished, she holds me close. She doesn't ask any more questions of me, even though I know they're on her mind and she's fully aware there's so much more to what's happened between me and Lucas. "You and Seth are two of the greatest things that have ever happened to me."

"I know, Gram. I don't know where I'd be without you," I murmur, digging my fingers into her sweater, holding on for support.

A long email from Lucas arrives in my inbox late that evening. As I read it, I'm forced to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from crying again. Or from grinding my teeth.

Sienna,

It's sad that this is what I do for a living and I can't even come up with a decent explanation for myself. Then again, maybe that's because I've never had to or wanted to explain my actions before you. I know I hurt you. I know you must want me to f*cking die right now, and I'm so sorry.

-Lucas

I start to just erase it - because really what good does replying do - but then I find myself hitting reply. I find myself typing a message that's just as short but so much more succinct than what he's given me.

Dear Lucas,

One of these days, you're going to have to stand up for yourself. No matter what someone's holding over your head.

Sienna

I don't dwell on what I've said or read over it 50 times, I just hit send.

I return to Los Angeles, to the life that I thought I'd made for myself, heartbroken. But while my heart feels weaker than it was before I know that I am so much stronger. So much more my own person.

But even that realization does very little for the fact that at first, I try to avoid anything dealing with or reminding me of Lucas at all cost. Even then, he still finds me - on a giant ad for Your Toxic Sequel's new album on the side of a bus and staring across from me in a magazine carousel in the grocery store checkout. Photos from the shoot he did in Nashville. A month or two ago, I'd have plucked another magazine from the shelf and covered his face, but why bother?

By time Micah, a mutual friend of mine and Tori's who's been stopping by our apartment more and more often just to see her, puts on an entire Your Toxic Sequel playlist at a get-together we have, I'm numb enough to Lucas that I don't even flinch.

Brea pulls him aside, her dark eyes wild, hissing, "You don't play that crappy music here Micah Daniel or I will - "

But I save him, worming my body between the two of them. Even in five inch stilettos I'm still taller than Tori, and I glance down into her eyes, giving her a tight smile. "It's one of their best songs," I say. Micah agrees a little too fast. I give him a sympathetic look as he slinks away. I mean, he doesn't actually know what's going on or why Tori is bitching at him.

It's not Micah's fault Lucas dismissed me.

Pointing a purple-painted finger at Tori, I say, "Don't be a bitch. I can fight my own battles but that" - I nod my head toward the iPod dock on our entertainment center - "is definitely not one of them."

Tori's mouth drops open and she stares at me. I can hear the sound of her hands intertwining nervously with each other. I bet money she's wishing for a stress ball. "You're kind of a ball-buster," she says at last, a hesitant smile replacing her frown. "I don't know whether to kiss you or head butt you."

Then I grab her hand, pull her back to the middle of the floor as fast as her needle heels will carry her. And as we mingle with friends, and I hear Lucas's voice making naughty, sexy promises, I decide I'm alright.