Desperately Seeking Epic(83)

I’ve made peace with my parents passing. Being that I was so young makes it a little easier to bear.

But Kurt is a fresh wound.

I need to let him go. But hearts don’t work like light switches; they don’t just flick on and off. They swell rapidly with love and bleed out slowly with pain.

I should be stronger. I should be able to shut myself down to his memory. But I’m not strong enough yet.

They say the opposite of love isn’t hate, but indifference. I hate him. I hate him so much I feel it seeping out of my pores, toxifying everything around me.

I don’t want him back. I don’t. Not who he is now. I want my life back. I want the safety I felt in my marriage back. I want the days where we held hands and dreamed a millions dreams together back when I believed him when he said I was his forever. When he told me no one could take my place. I want that man back. I want that type of love in my life.

But he’s gone.

And now, given his cruelty and seemingly unfeeling actions, I have to wonder . . . was he ever really there? Was it all a fa?ade? Was I a fool the whole time seeing only what I wanted to see?

I want to be happy.

I want forever.

I want . . .

I want a baby.

I dropped the paper on the counter and backed away from it.

Forever.

Baby.

They were two words that defied everything I wanted. They were two potent words that I wasn’t sure, no matter how much I loved Clara, I could give her. I needed freedom and adventure. Thoughts of not having either was suffocating. I needed to be able to hop a plane on a whim and not owe any explanations. I couldn’t have that and her. And I couldn’t promise her something I couldn’t give. I wasn’t built that way. I just wasn’t. Maybe with her, the idea was easier to swallow, but I wasn’t ready for even the idea of it. But the most hurtful confirmation was she didn’t love me. I wasn’t even in her thought process when she poured her heart out. She wanted him. She still loved the memory of him. She missed her husband. She wanted the house with a white picket fence and a baby with him.

I was such a chump. To think, I was ready to tell her I loved her. Clearly, that was a mistake. I was a f*cking fill-in. I had to get out of there. All I could think was to flee.

I snuck out quietly as to not wake her and drove off. It was still dark, only four in the morning. I had to end it with her. I had to. But if I did, I couldn’t stay. Even if I traveled in and out, she’d hate me. I wasn’t strong enough to fix what Kurt had done wrong. Our work relationship would be awful. If I left . . . I had to go for good. There would be no looking back.

I went home and packed a suitcase. At eight in the morning, I made my way downtown to Richard Mateo’s office. He wasn’t happy with me showing up unannounced, but he saw me. I signed over a limited power of attorney, giving him permission to represent me in regard to the business and the sale of my house. I didn’t care if Clara bought the business. I told him we could remain partners if she paid me a reduced salary, which Mateo would put into an account for me.

“Just do your best,” I told him. “I’m not trying to screw her over. I just need enough to get by.” When the papers were signed, I went straight to the airport. And I left. For good.



“You were wrong. You do know that now, right?” Ashley states.

I cock my head. “About what?”

“She wasn’t in love with Kurt. He represented another broken promise. That’s all. She loved you.”

I nod my head in understanding. “I get that now.”

She gives a sad smile and gets back to business. “So . . . You didn’t come back to the states for thirteen years?” Ashley continues with a speculative brow.

“Once,” I admit. “Florida. Four years ago when my mother passed away. I checked in with her once a week. I didn’t find out she had passed until three days after. She was buried by the time I made it home.” I frown at the thought. I hate that I missed her funeral. That I wasn’t there for her.

Ashley produces another sympathetic smile. “We meet with Clara one more time. Then we should be set to put this thing together.”

I nod, feeling shitty. It’s not easy to remember what an * I was. And how much time was wasted over a misunderstanding. “Please remember this is for our kid.”

“I will, Paul. Neena will love it.”





“What did you think that morning when you woke up and he wasn’t there?” Ashley questions, the end of her pen between her teeth.

Inhaling deeply, I release it slowly.



It was ten in the morning when I woke up. I hadn’t slept like that in ages. I stretched and sat up, listening for him in the house. When I heard nothing, I figured he must’ve gone in to the office and let me sleep in. I smiled thinking about how sweet it was. I took my time showering, naively relishing in the soreness I felt from the night we spent together. It felt good to finally tell him what my affiliation with Dennis was. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.

When I made it into work, Paul’s truck wasn’t in the parking lot. Marcus was in the front, restocking waivers. He turned and met my gaze as I entered. There was a moment of silence between us, neither of us knowing what to say. We seemed to agree not to say anything for the time being. With a nod, I went back to my office and turned my computer on. Around noon, I tried calling Paul at home, but his line was disconnected. I thought maybe he’d forgotten to pay the bill.