Defenseless (Salvation, #5)(25)

I smirk. “I don’t know any either.”

“Now who’s cocky?”

“Anyway,” I continue with my story. “I’m sure this part won’t make you happy, but I was there for a while before I could relay that Aaron was alive.” I wait for his disapproval.

“I knew this. I don’t like it because he’s my friend and his wife suffered greatly because we thought he was dead, but I get it. The mission comes first. Sometimes in life, especially our line of work, others suffer for the choices we make.” Mark grabs a protein bar, opens it, and bites into it as if he couldn’t care less.

It’s so confusing to me. I would slit someone’s throat if they kept my brother from me for a year. Yeah, I offered Aaron what little protection I could, but I couldn’t destroy all the work I’d done. He suffered because I had to keep my mouth shut. Sometimes I could hear the screams from his beatings, and it was horrible. I knew he had a wife and child, yet I pretended. Those were the parts of my job that sometimes kept me awake at night.

“It’s not something I took lightly.”

Mark’s green eyes deepen as he shifts forward. “Did you and Aaron get a chance to really talk?”

“Here and there. We were monitored, so I had to be careful. He told me about Natalie and their baby. He wondered if she was okay, what the baby looked like, if anyone knew he was alive. I couldn’t give him too much information because I wasn’t willing to put the assignment at risk. It was the first time I ever truly hated my job,” I admit frankly. Mark sits in rapt attention as I offer a little of my truth to him. “Aaron told me, though, at the end of all of this, he wanted those to suffer for what they were doing. He knew he would get us both killed if he did anything. So he shut his mouth, took it like a man, and hoped I would be able to keep my promise.”

Sometime during my speech, Mark covers my hand with his. I could pull back from him, but his touch comforts me. “What information did you give him?”

“I told him . . .” I feel a pang of guilt and stop. It was the first time I ever wished to blow my cover. Aaron was broken. He confessed his life to me not knowing I was a CIA operative. I was so deep into being Fahima that I forgot who I really was. Aaron snapped me out of that.

“Charlie?”

“I told him lies, Mark. I didn’t tell him who I was until about two months before I contacted my handler. Then I lied and told him I had my team working on extracting him. I lied because I’m a liar. I’m a liar who cared more about myself than him or his family.”

Mark pulls me close. I don’t know how the bastard knew it was something I needed, but he did. I sink into his embrace. I blame the drugs even though they’re no longer in my system.

“You got him home.”

I huff. “What did he go home to? We still talk, you know?”

“He told me.” Mark keeps me against his side.

“I know his wife married his best friend. They now have a kid. It’s kinda wrong, no?”

Mark releases me. His eyes study mine before he speaks. “Natalie made her choices based on the information she had. If he told you anything, he wasn’t exactly a model husband. Liam is a good guy, and he loves her. He stepped in and raised Aarabelle when Aaron couldn’t. And when Natalie’s world fell apart, he never left her side. I don’t agree with the choices Aaron made, but it’s not my place to judge him.”

I nod and mull over what he said. I know all about Aaron’s piss-poor decisions. As a woman—and his only friend at that time—I let him know how I felt about it, too. “I think he more than paid for his sins.”

“Maybe.” Mark pauses. “I think Aaron had PTSD, but no one was willing to see it. He was injured in the mission when we lost our friends. We all f*cked up by ignoring it.”

I know how he feels. I’ve been there. At least Mark wasn’t too late.

“I know an operative who killed herself after her intel got in the wrong hands. She was so broken over it, but none of us knew what to say. We all just kind of swept it under the rug. She talked to me about it once.” I pause as I remember the look in her eyes. “She told me how she thought she was being watched but didn’t trust herself anymore. I’ll never forget the way she begged me with her eyes to reassure her. I laughed her off, thinking she was crazy. When they found her, I knew it was because the paranoia was too much.”

Mark’s hand grips mine. “It’s not an easy life we live.”

“No, it’s definitely not. A lot can’t handle the guilt that comes along with things we all do.”

“Taking a life isn’t something most are okay with,” he admits. “Is it wrong that it doesn’t haunt me?”

My hand squeezes his. “I don’t think so. It’s kill or be killed in our circumstances. I’ve never set out to take a life that wasn’t trying to take mine, have you?”

“Fuck no. I was protecting my own life or the lives of my guys.”

“Exactly. We’re not monsters, Mark.”

“No,” he says hesitantly. “But we’re not saints, either. I sometimes wonder what I’ll answer to when I go. Will I be viewed the same as someone who murders people?”

I understand his question, but I never delved that deep into it. I’m not walking around picking people off. “I really think it’s different.”