Defending Zara (Mountain Mercenaries #6)(70)

“I can’t tell you if you should or shouldn’t,” Morgan told her. “You have to do what’s right for you. But if you’re upset about what’s being said, I think you’re getting close to deciding.”

Zara nodded. “I just . . . When Meat brought me back to his house, it seemed like a perfect place to hole up. To hide from everything. I didn’t want to talk about my life in Peru. Or remember. I never really got to grieve my parents, and with everyone wanting to know what I saw and heard all those years ago . . . it’s been hard. I still feel some guilt over it. If I hadn’t been such a brat at dinner, or if I hadn’t been dawdling so far behind them, maybe we would’ve made it to the hotel faster, and they wouldn’t have been at the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“You can’t blame yourself,” Morgan said, leaning forward and putting her hand on Zara’s arm. “I asked myself the same questions. Wondered if, had I asked for an escort the night I was kidnapped, if that would’ve prevented me from being taken. Or if I had fought more when they got me down to Santo Domingo, if they wouldn’t have . . . violated me as much. But the bottom line is that we did the best we could in the situations we were in at the time. Don’t second-guess yourself.” Morgan sat back and shifted in her seat.

Zara wondered if she was uncomfortable with the conversation, and decided that she probably had to be. After all, she herself wasn’t exactly thrilled to discuss what had happened to her. “How did you put it behind you and move on? I mean, I don’t know what happened between you and Arrow after you came back, but did he . . . did you . . . Shit, I don’t know how to ask this.”

“You can ask me anything, Zara. What happened to us wasn’t fair. We both had parts of our lives stolen. I only had a year, but you had fifteen years taken.”

“I’m a virgin,” Zara blurted. Then immediately closed her eyes and shook her head. “I just mean, I didn’t have to go through what you did.”

“Just because you weren’t raped doesn’t mean you weren’t traumatized,” Morgan said gently. “You missed your entire childhood. You were on your own from the time you were ten. I have no idea how you did it. I’m in awe of you, Zara. I don’t know what you were going to ask, but if it’s about sex, it was hard for me. It took a long time. But Arrow was patient and never once made me feel bad about anything I endured, or anything that happened between the two of us in the bedroom.

“Whatever you went through, I have no doubt you would be an inspiration to so many people, Zara. The world is a brutal place. Humans are unkind. Most people don’t experience what we did, but if you can survive that, and still be upright and walking and not in a mental institution, I think others could benefit from hearing what you have to say.”

Zara couldn’t fathom anyone being inspired by her. Not in the least.

She screwed up her courage and asked what she’d been thinking about earlier. “How did you get Arrow to see you as more than just someone he’d rescued? I mean . . . how did you let him know you would be interested in being more than just friends?”

Morgan shifted in her seat again and grimaced. Then she smiled at Zara. “Sorry, sitting for long periods gets uncomfortable. I’m assuming you’re asking because you want Meat to do more than just kiss you like he did before he left, right?”

Zara nodded and tried not to be embarrassed.

“You need to be blunt. Just tell him what you’re thinking. How you’re feeling. He’s probably scared to death to move too fast. If he’s anything like Arrow, he wants to give you time to come to terms with what happened, and he’s afraid if he moves too fast, he’ll scare you.”

“I’m not afraid of Meat,” Zara said firmly. “I mean, I know how sex works. I may not have done it before, but because of how I lived, I’ve seen it up close and personal. Not much is private in the barrio. I also helped the doctor birth more babies than I can count. But . . . knowing and doing are two different things, and I’m terrified that I’ll mess it up and Meat will ask me to move out.”

“Now I get why Meat and Arrow convinced you to come over today,” Morgan said with a laugh, gesturing to her belly.

“Oh no,” Zara said quickly. “I volunteered. I think I’m done hiding away and licking my wounds. I wanted to talk to you and get to know you better. It didn’t have anything to do with the fact you look like you’re about to pop.” She smiled to let Morgan know she was teasing.

“Good,” Morgan said with a laugh. “To answer your question, you aren’t going to mess up anything with Meat. He and the other Mountain Mercenaries know what they want and what they like. And what Meat obviously likes is you. He couldn’t take his eyes off you today. All you have to do is let him know in no uncertain terms that you want to do more than kiss, and he’ll take care of things from there.”

“My friend Renee thinks I should have a few one-night stands and figure out what I like and don’t like when it comes to sex and men. She says that because I’ve only been living with Meat, any attraction I feel toward him is just because I haven’t been around anyone else.”

“And what do you think about that?” Morgan asked.

Zara took a deep breath. “I think, in some ways, she has a point. I spent the last fifteen years trying to avoid men. But in others, I think she’s wrong. I’ve seen and talked to men in the grocery store, and at a restaurant the last time Renee and I met up. A waiter even slipped me his phone number. Renee was thrilled and encouraged me to call him, but I just didn’t feel any kind of pull toward him like I do with Meat.”