Deep (Stage Dive, #4)(29)

“Got it in one.”

“How’d I get here?”

“David just dropped you off, remember?”

He scratched at his beard. “Uh. Okay.”

“You need to move, you’re taking up all of the room.”

Bewildered, he rose up on his elbows and took a look around. “This your bed?”

“Yes.”

“Did we…” He raised an eyebrow suggestively.

“No, I already learned my lesson, thank you very much.”

“You sure?” He gave me a wonky smile. “It could be fun.”

“Yeah, you look like you’ve had enough fun for the both of us for one night, buddy.”

“Maybe.” He contemplated the thin cotton of my shirt for a good long while, one corner of his mouth moving upward. “Hey, you’re not wearing a bra.”

“Shut up and move, Ben.”

A groan. “All right.”

It took him about forever to wriggle and roll and finally get his big fat head up on the pillow. On my favored side, damn it. Whatever. I lie down on my back beside him, keeping a nice, fun, celibate distance between our two bodies just in case he decided to try and get some. More sleep would be so great. To grow the bean, I really needed rest. My limbs were weighed down with lethargy, my head full of blergh.

“We could cuddle,” he suggested, the words slurred, blurring together into one dumb drunken idea. Man, if he’d been even one inch sober I’d be all over him. A hug right now, letting me know everything would be okay, sounded sublime. A silly, childish wish, I know. Things were complicated enough. “I wouldn’t try nothing, swear.”

“Nice double negative. No, Ben.”

A grunt of dismay.

“Go to sleep.”

The world seemed still, almost perfectly quiet. A car passed by outside and the wind blew around the building. Everyone else would be fast asleep at this hour. I studied the water mark on the ceiling, the shadows cast by the dodgy old lamp on my bedside table. For some reason, being alone with him in the dark seemed too dangerous. The light could stay on.

“I’m gonna be a father,” he said, eyes closed.

My whole body tensed instantly. “So I heard.”

“Wasn’t planning on having kids.”

“You weren’t?”

“No.”

Drunk or not, he sounded so definite, so sure. It was like a dagger to my heart, the pain overwhelming. It hurt to breathe. “Not even when you were a little older?”

A sharp shake of the head in the negative.

Well.

I didn’t know what to say. My throat constricted and my eyes stung. He’d had little more choice in becoming a parent than I had. We were both being thrown into this, and there were plans more than mine being disrupted. Still, he wasn’t the one whose body was being hijacked, for all intents and purposes. Not that I hadn’t had the option to end the pregnancy. I did, but I hadn’t taken it. My heart had made its decision and there was no going back. Still, it was hard not to be all bitter and betrayed over his announcement. I didn’t even have the luxury of being able to get blind rotten drunk. And believe me, dealing with all this sober sucked. My rational mind coughed up so many plausible, reasonable excuses for him—he was surprised, he was drunk, give him a chance to think things over, blah blah blah.

But f*ck them all. Fuck him.

I’d kind of already been expecting the worst, to be in this alone. Now I knew. Twice he’d disappointed me; this couldn’t be a surprise. Nothing had changed, not really. I slid a hand over my stomach, spread my fingers over the ever so slight bulge there. It might have just been my imagination, but I could feel her already getting busy in there, growing away. We’d be fine. We’d manage.

“Didn’t want to settle down,” he continued. “And kids, they need stability and shit. Time, energy, all those things.”

“True.” My voice sounded hollow, an emotionless echo.

At least I had the apartment paid up for the foreseeable future. Reece could no doubt use me more in the shop. I was fortunate there. Probably be best if I dropped out of school and started saving. Given how many days I’d been missing due to the puke-o-rama of morning sickness, my grades wouldn’t be rocking this term anyway.

I swallowed hard.

“Like my life the way it is,” he said, voice slurring at the edges.

“Yeah, I did too.” I gave my stomach a pat. “Sorry, Bean.”

“Like my freedom. Being able to jump on a plane and go jam with a friend or play on their album. Things were perfect the way they were.”

“Hmm.”

“Couldn’t stay away from you.”

“Why not?” I asked, honestly curious.

“Don’t know. You just … you stayed on my mind.”

“And other women didn’t?”

“Not like you.”

“No?” Perhaps booze boy was back to wanting sex. Given my heart got stupid the minute he appeared, it was hard to tell.

He exhaled hard. “Wanted you, but … you were my friend too. I mean, really my friend. You didn’t want nothing but me. To talk to me, to spend time…”

Silence.

“I knew you wanted more, but you didn’t push. Missed you when you were gone and I couldn’t tell you shit, talk to you about stuff.”