Dead Drop (The Guild #2)(91)
Thank fuck for that, too. Ideally, I needed a cold shower, but oxygen would have to do. “Where do we even start?” I whispered, overwhelmed by all the crowded thoughts and feelings inside me.
Kai gave a thoughtful look, then a quick nod. “Easy. I’m sorry.”
My brows rose in surprise, and I rolled to my side to take a better look at him. “Are you… fucking with me? This is serious, Kai.”
His full lips curled into a smile. “I’m not fucking with you. I’d fuck you if you’re up for it, don’t get me wrong, but I’m dead serious. I am sorry. I let my temper get the better of me last night, and it just kept snowballing. I was way out of line, and I don’t even know how to start making up for it.”
I frowned, at a loss for words for a moment. “Um, that’s… very mature. I’m not used to men offering apologies so easily.”
Kai chuckled. “Mature is the last thing I feel around you, Siren. My brain gets all fucking scrambled sometimes, and I do stupid shit… like trying to fight a Guild executioner. What the shit was I thinking?” He winced and I brushed my fingers over the mottled bruising covering his ribs.
“Yeah, that wasn’t smart,” I agreed. “But I get it. That wasn’t… an amazing situation to walk in on.”
He exhaled heavily, scrubbing a huge hand over his face. “Yeah. Then there was that whole discussion here when we got back…”
I wrinkled my nose, teasing. “Discussion? That’s what we’re gonna call that temper tantrum?” I mean, I wasn’t exactly blameless on that topic either. But he started it.
Kai groaned. “You make me feel like a goddamn teenager, Danny. Like a hormonal boy with his first real crush. I’m so far gone on you, I’m like…” He trailed off with a frustrated sound, and I gave a gentle smile.
“Like a baby tasting sugar for the first time?” I winked. “It’s not that bad. You’re just… intense, sometimes.”
He gave me a pained look, and I smiled harder. He was so fucking cute when he was contrite. “This is humiliating,” he grumbled, “but I also can’t seem to regret anything. I like how wild and out of control I feel around you. Like I’m experiencing life for the first time… it’s just taking me a hot second to get my shit in order.”
Weirdly, he was echoing some of the thoughts I’d been having about my own behavior recently. Having the Guild ripped away from me so unexpectedly, it’d felt like I’d lost my identity. But every interaction with Kai and Leon, I was discovering me. For the first time in my whole life, I felt like a person rather than an asset.
Biting my lip, I controlled the urge to kiss him. Because there was no way I could stop at kissing when he was being this sweet with me. Huh, who knew I’d be so into the sweet side of Kai just as much as his aggressive, controlling, caveman side.
“Talk to me about this,” he said softly, brushing his thumb across my flat stomach. It was such a tender gesture and an iron-weighted question.
I wet my lips, suddenly nervous. “There’s not much to tell,” I replied with a tiny shrug. “When children are raised in a Guild orphanage, they incur a debt. That debt needs to be paid off, and the quickest way to do it is to take high-paying contracts. You know what is really bad for the bottom line, though?”
He scowled. “I can guess. So, what? They sterilize all the girls they train?”
“No… they sterilize all the teens within the orphanages. The last thing the Guild wants is for us to form families of our own… our loyalty is to the Guild and no one else. Babies complicate things, so they’re simply not an option.” This information didn’t upset me, it just was what it was. But I could sense how distressing Kai seemed to find it, so I probed a bit deeper. “Is this going to be a deal breaker for you?”
His brows raised. “A deal breaker? That implies there’s a deal on the table, beautiful.” I said nothing, just waited him out. He was processing, but if he was that determined to reproduce, then it was better to make a clean break now. Before it hurt even more.
He was silent a while, then he reached up to stroke my hair away from my face. “Do you want kids, Siren?”
I shook my head. “No. I don’t. Despite the fact I wasn’t given a choice in the matter, I like my life. I enjoy my work as a mercenary. Sure, not every job, but for the most part, it’s exciting and challenging, and I get a tremendous sense of achievement with every successful contract. I have no desire to give that up and honestly couldn’t think of anything I’d like to do less than become a mother.”
Kai didn’t look upset by that, just thoughtful. His long fingers stroked a lock of my hair, playing with it while he considered his words carefully. “Do you think that would ever change?”
My gut instinct was to say no. But I was no psychic, and I sure as shit hadn’t ever predicted the heart situation I was currently in the middle of. So I shrugged. “To what end? The choice is gone, so there’s no sense in grieving over lost opportunities.”
He nodded slowly. “I can understand that.”
I studied his face but couldn’t read what was going on in his head. “Are you disappointed?”
His expression creased. “No. God no. I feel… horrified that the Guild does this to children. Disgusted that they treat you as a tool, or a weapon, not as a human being. I’m heartbroken for your lost childhood, Danny… I doubt I could ever be disappointed in you, though. Yes, part of me was hoping you’d fall pregnant… but only because I was so desperate to keep you.” He flashed a bitter smile. “See what I mean? I don’t make rational decisions when it comes to you.”