Cursor's Fury (Codex Alera #3)(226)

Septimus clapped his arm gently, his tone warm. "Thank you."

The dream froze, locked into that image.

Fade, beside Isana, stared at the image of Septimus. "I failed him," he said. Tears rolled down his cheeks, over the burn scars. "I should have stood with him. But when push came to shove... all I wanted was to get you away from the battle. To make sure you were safe." He bowed his head. "I let my heart guide my head. I let it blind me to my duties. Blind me to possible dangers. Blind me to your sister's injuries. Blind me to what might happen to the baby."

He looked up at her, his eyes miserable. "I loved you, Isana. The wife of my best friend, my sword brother. I loved you. And I am ashamed."

Isana stared at Septimus's image for a long moment, though dream-tears blurred her dream-vision. "Fade..."

"I can't make amends for my mistakes," Fade said. "The blood won't ever be washed from my hands. Let me go. There's nothing left for me here."

Isana turned to face Fade and reached out to cup his face between her pale, slender hands. She could feel his anguished guilt, feel the pain, the self-recrimination, the bottomless well of regret.

"What happened," she said quietly, "was not of your making. It was horrible. I hate that it happened. But you didn't cause it to be so."

"Isana... " Fade whispered.

"You're only human," Isana said over him. "We make mistakes."

"But mine..." Araris shook his head. "I had a hand in this war, as well. Had Septimus lived, he would have been the greatest First Lord Alera has ever known. He'd have a strongly gifted heir. A gracious, compassionate wife at his side. And none of this would be happening."

"Perhaps," Isana said gently. "Perhaps not. But you can't hold the actions of thousands and thousands of other people against yourself. You've got to let it go."

"I can't."

"You can," Isana said. "It wasn't your fault."

"Tavi," Fade said.

"That isn't your fault either, Fade." Isana drew a breath. "It's mine."

Fade blinked at her for a moment. "What?"

"I did it to him," Isana said quietly. "When he was still a baby. Whenever I bathed him, I would think about what it would mean if he showed his father's talents. How it would draw attention to him. How it would mark him as Gaius's heir. As a target for the power-hungry maniacs of the Realm intent on seizing the throne. At first, I didn't realize what I was doing to him." She met his eyes steadily. "But when I did... I didn't stop, Fade. I pushed harder. I stunted his growth so that he would look younger than his age, so that it would seem to be impossible that he was Septimus's child. And in doing it, I stunted his mind, somehow. I prevented his talents from ever emerging, until the water furies around the Steadholt were so used to it that I hardly needed to think about it at all.

"Unlike you," she said, "I knew precisely what I was doing. And so in that, I am as much to blame for this war as you are."

"No, Isana," Fade said.

"I am" Isana replied quietly. "Which is why I'm staying here. With you. When you go, I will go with you."

Fade's eyes widened. "No. Isana, no, please. Just leave me."

She took both her hands in his. "Never. I will not allow you to fade away, Araris. And by crows and thunder, your duty is not complete. You swore yourself to Septimus." She squeezed his hands, staring hard into his eyes. "He was your friend. You promised him."