Craving (Steel Brothers Saga #1)(64)

I downed my third rotgut whiskey and threw some bills on the counter. “I’m out of here.” I stood and turned around, ready to walk.

“Running away is never the answer, son.”

I didn’t know why I turned back. I had heard those words before, from my brothers, from myriad other people. But something in Mike’s voice spoke to me.

I sat back down and looked into his watery blue gaze. These were eyes that had seen a lifetime, eyes that seemed to hold…something. Was it empathy? “You really think you know me, old man?”

Mike coughed again and smiled. “I don’t know the color of socks I put on this morning, but I know you need to face your life. Just like everybody else in the world.”

I shook my head. “Everybody else in the world doesn’t have my life.”

“Maybe not. But they have their own hardships. Never doubt that.”

I didn’t doubt that, not really. Did I? Maybe this old man had something to say after all. “All right.

I’ve got a few minutes. Give me your wisdom, Mike.”

“Hell, I’m no sage. And even though I know you’re hiding something, I don’t pretend to know what it is. But you’ve got to let it go. There is no great secret to life. It’s pretty simple. You’ve read Thoreau, haven’t you?”

I nodded. I had read Thoreau, but I was pretty surprised that Mike had.

“It’s like he says. Suck out the marrow of life.”

“Thoreau was living in the wilderness. Refusing to do his duty. Pay his taxes. Pretty much being a spoiled brat, if you asked me,” I said.

Mike laughed aloud. “I can’t really disagree with you there. But the man had a lot of worthwhile things to say. You need to concentrate on the good things, no matter how small. Find the good in everything, and suck it out.”

The man was hardly eloquent. But Mike’s words resonated with me. Could I?

“Tell me something good about your life,” he said.

I remained silent.

“Don’t tell me you’ve been in this funk so long that you can’t see what’s good in your life.

Clearly, you have no financial worries, judging by those boots you’re wearing. That’s got to be a good thing.”

I took a sip of drink and nodded. “Yeah, that’s a good thing.”

“For God’s sake, son, don’t be so blasé about it. I scrimped my whole life, and now I’m existing on what little I get from Social Security. Financial worries are a big part of most people’s lives. Be thankful you don’t have them.”

I raked my fingers through my hair. Suddenly I felt like a very small person. “You’re right.”

“Now what else?”

“I have two brothers and a sister. They’re all really great.”

“Good, good. Family is everything. And what else?”

Jade. She was actually the first thing that had popped into my mind when he asked about something good in my life. For some reason, I couldn’t bring her name to my lips. She wasn’t mine, as much as I wanted her to be, because with the same amount of desire, I didn’t want her to be. I didn’t want to bring her into my tortured existence. I didn’t want to ruin her. She deserved so much better.

“You got yourself a girl?”

I looked away.

“Or a guy? I don’t judge.”

My nerves prickled. “There’s a girl. But she’s not mine.”

“She doesn’t feel the same way about you?”

I didn’t know. She was clearly not repulsed by me. “She seems to like me okay.”

“Then what are you waiting for? Tell her how you feel.”

“I don’t really know how I feel.” It was the God’s honest truth.

“I don’t buy that.”

“I’m no good for her. She deserves better.”

“You need to stop that self-defeating attitude, son, if you’re going to be happy in life.”

Happy? I had given up the notion of happiness twenty-five years ago. “I’m not being self-defeating. This is just a fact. She deserves better.”

Hell, she deserved the best. Unfortunately, that wasn’t me.

“What could be better for a woman than a man who loves her? You do love her, don’t you?”

Did I? I didn’t know what that kind of love was. I had no frame of reference. I was used to taking what women offered. I had never given them anything in return.

And then it hit me like a house falling on my head. That was the problem with Jade. I didn’t want to just take from her. I wanted to give everything back to her as well, and I didn’t think I was capable of it. I hungered for her, longed for her. Was that love?

“I don’t know,” I said honestly.

“Don’t you think you owe it to yourself to figure out what your feelings are for this woman?”

I stayed silent.

“Don’t you think about her at all?”

Again, I stayed silent.

“Look, son, take a look at your life. Maybe it hasn’t been a joyful one, and I’m sure sorry about that. But there have to be moments of contentedness. Sift through the crap. Find those moments. When have you felt the most content?”

I smiled. I actually smiled at this old man who was the wisest person I’d met a long time.