Craving (Steel Brothers Saga #1)(37)

God, no, not to Jade. Jade was sunshine, rainbows, the fresh air of the Colorado Rockies. She was everything that was good in the world, and if I stayed, I would destroy her.

I could not live with that. As much as I wanted her, I had to let her go.

“You haven’t done anything to us,” Jonah said.

I shook my head. “Do you think I can’t see it? What happened to me lives in the two of you.

Maybe not in the same way, but you’re just as affected by it as I am.”

“Talon—” Jonah began.

“Don’t start, Joe. You blame yourself for the whole ordeal. I know you do. I’ve heard you say it time and time again. It should’ve been you. You should’ve been there to protect me. Well, you weren’t there. I’ve never blamed you for that, so you need to stop blaming yourself.”

He turned to Ryan. “And Ryan, you got away. That was a good thing.”

“I only got away because of you,” Ryan said, casting his gaze downward.

“So what? The fact is, you got away. I wanted you to get away. I would do it again tomorrow if I had to.”

“You were stronger, bigger. You could’ve run, Tal. Why didn’t you run? Why did you sacrifice yourself to save me?”

I shook my head. I was thankful my little brother had been spared. And my older brother as well.

“Why can’t the two of you just be happy? Be happy this didn’t happen to you. I sure as hell am.”

Jonah sighed. “Talon, it’s not that we…”

“It’s not that you what? Why are you afraid to say it? Just say it, goddamnit! ‘I’m glad it didn’t happen to me.’ You should be fucking glad. You should be down on your knees thanking whatever deity you believe in that it didn’t happen to you. It’s okay to say that. It’s okay to be happy that you didn’t go through the horror I went through.”

“Talon,” Ryan said.

“Say it. Both of you. I want you to fucking say it. Say ‘I’m fucking glad none of that shit happened to me.’”

My brothers both remained silent.

Not that I expected anything else. I sure as hell was glad that it hadn’t happened to them. It was understandable why I was having a hard time letting the whole damn thing go. Them? I really couldn’t understand anymore.

Maybe I didn’t want to understand. Maybe I was just waiting for the day when all of this would go away in a puff of smoke. But I knew better. That day would never come. This was my burden to bear.

I would never be free of it.

“I didn’t think you could say it. And that’s okay. But I do need to leave. Try to understand.” I walked toward the door and then through it, leaving my brothers behind.

I headed toward my suite, and then, on a whim, turned around and headed back the other way, to Jade’s bedroom. It was Sunday. She might be sleeping in. I hadn’t seen her or Marjorie yet that morning.

I knocked gently.

No response.

I knocked harder.

A few seconds later, Jade opened the door. Her hair was tangled and sexy in a messy disarray around her shoulders. She wore her signature white tank and boxers, white cotton socks on her feet.

Her nipples poked through the white fabric, red-brown and luscious. My groin tightened.

“Did I wake you?”

She yawned. “Not really. I was kind of in that alpha mode, you know? Hovering between asleep and awake?”

No, I didn’t know what she meant. “Can we talk for a minute?” I asked.

“I suppose so. Although I don’t think we really have anything to talk about.”

I walk through the door and shut it behind me. “Just a few minutes.”

“Sure, come on in,” she said sarcastically.

Her duffel bag sat at the end of her bed, packed. A suitcase lay open on the floor, filled with clothes and shoes. She really was leaving.

Now she didn’t have to.

“I just wanted to tell you that I’m leaving the ranch,” I said.

“You? Why are you leaving? It’s your ranch.”

How to put this… “My being here… It’s affecting my brothers. And I don’t want it to affect you and Marjorie.”

“You don’t have to worry about me.” She gestured to her duffel bag and suitcase. “As you can see, I’ll be leaving later today.”

“But now you don’t have to. You can stay here with Marjorie. That’s what she wants. I should be the one to leave.”

She shook her head. “What is this about? Why all of a sudden do you want to leave?”

I sat down on the bed. I had told her all that I could. “Like I said, my being here isn’t good for my brothers.”

“So they asked you to leave?”

“No, not exactly.”

“Then why are you leaving?”

“I just have to.”

Jade slowly brought her arm upward and cupped one of my cheeks, her thumb lightly massaging my upper lip. Oh, God—classic “I feel sorry for you” pose. I couldn’t take it. I hated pity. I didn’t want pity from anyone, and especially not from her.

I yanked her hand away. “Don’t do that.”

“Talon, please… I want to help.”

“Help me with what?”