Complete Me(15)

He shakes his head. “Undergrad. Small world, huh?”

“Does Damien know you’re here?” My voice is cold and clipped, and I’m certain that Ollie knows why. If Damien were selecting the legal team, Ollie would not be included.

Ollie has the good grace to look embarrassed. “No,” he says, then runs his hand through his hair. His usually unruly waves are combed back, and his fingers loosen a few strands that now fall in his face, brushing over his John Lennon–style glasses. “What was I supposed to tell Maynard?” he asks. “That Stark doesn’t want me around? I say that and I have to say why. And if Stark hasn’t told Maynard that I told you attorney-client privileged information, then I don’t see any reason to tell him myself.”

“You could have thought of something,” I say.

He nods slowly. “Maybe. But I’ve been working on Stark’s defense from Los Angeles. It’s been my full-time gig for over three weeks. I’m not here just because I have a personal connection, I’m here because I understand the law. I can be an asset, Nikki. And you know as well as I do that Damien needs all the help he can get.”

I force myself not to ask him what he means. Maynard is aware of the abuse in Damien’s past, that much I know for certain. But it was my understanding that not everyone on the team knows. Does Ollie? The thought makes me queasy, because I know how much Damien wants that aspect of his past to stay private. I can’t ask without revealing the facts, though. All I can do is hope that the reason Ollie isn’t in the current meeting is because he isn’t in that inner circle.

“Are you sitting at the counsel table?” I ask, and am relieved when he shakes his head.

“I thought I’d sit with you. If that’s okay.”

“It is,” I say. Things have changed a lot between me and Ollie, but he has seen me through most every crisis in my life, and it feels right that he will be beside me now, too.

His smile is gentle as he lays a soft hand on my shoulder. His expression, however, is intense. “You’re doing okay? I mean, you’re not—you know?”

“I’m not,” I say but I don’t meet his eyes. “I’m good.” I draw in a breath and fight the urge to cry, mourning the loss of those days when I would have told Ollie everything. How every day I’ve awakened expecting to battle the urge to cut, and every night I am amazed when I get back in bed beside Damien and realize that the compulsion never came. I am not “cured”—I know I never will be. I will always crave that pain to keep me centered. I will always be just a little astounded when I get through a crisis without putting a blade to my flesh. But I have Damien now, and it is him that I crave. Damien who is my release valve instead of turning a knife on myself. Damien who keeps me centered and safe.

And that, I know, is another reason I am afraid to lose him.

“Nikki?”

“Really,” I say, looking into his face. “No blades, no knives. Damien is taking good care of me.”

I see the way he flinches, and for a moment I regret my words. But it is only a momentary weakness. Ollie has been an absolute shit about my relationship with Damien, and although I will always love him, I am not going to forgive or forget that easily.

“I’m glad,” he says, his voice formal. “You’re going to be okay, you know. No matter what happens, you’re going to get through this just fine.”

I nod, but I also notice that he’s said that I will be okay—not that Damien will. And a peculiar spark of anger tinged with sadness rushes through me, spurred by the simple truth that Ollie no longer understands what I need. If he did, he would realize that without Damien, I won’t be okay. Not ever again.