Collided: Dirty Air (Book 2)(48)
She makes my confession easier by being so damn non-judgmental. It’s a complete change of pace compared to Peter and the public, all attempting to tear me down in hopes of some sick sort of redemption story.
“I live a lie. It’s a far cry from hiding parts.”
“I’ll let you in on a secret.” She looks me in the eyes as she speaks in a hoarse whisper. “We all live lies. Some are just better at disguising them. Others hide and never acknowledge them, instead flinching at shadows looming in the corners because they know what lurks there. You’re aware of what you’re doing. You consciously embrace your secrets, becoming one with the issues haunting you.”
“You wouldn’t understand,” I groan.
“You’re right. I wouldn’t. But it doesn’t mean I can’t empathize and feel for you. Life is about learning to share the burden of your problems with others. It might feel all good and dandy now to hide, but secrets have a way of getting to us all. And sometimes the greatest lies aren’t the ones we tell ourselves; they’re the ones we believe time and time again despite all the evidence proving us wrong. So share your secrets or keep them inside. The choice is yours. But just know that shit will eat away at you until you’re shrinking at your own shadow too.”
Silence cloaks us. Her words sit against my chest like a weight, pressing against the ache near my heart. Minutes pass by, neither one of us talking as we mull over our own thoughts. She lies back down on my chest. I feel relieved at the lack of eye contact.
I don’t know where I find the courage to share, but fuck I do. Blame the perceptive blonde lying on top of me who builds me up without threatening to tear me down. “My brother married my best friend.”
Sophie stills, not saying a word. Her silence encourages me to continue.
“Her name was Johanna.” I didn’t expect to choke on her name, but my voice betrays my hurt.
Sophie grabs my hand and intertwines her fingers with mine. She gives me an encouraging squeeze. It takes me another minute before I continue because I want to think out my words and make this whole process as painless as possible. Sophie stays silent, her thumb brushing against my hand, soothing me in more ways than one.
“She was my partner for my freshman year science class. I chose her because I knew she was smart, and I thought she could help me pass. And I did just that, all thanks to her. But we started hanging out a lot together. She and my brother met, and they had this connection I can’t explain. But Lukas is a few years older than me, so he didn’t want to make a move on a freshman when he was about to graduate. Johanna and I got really close—me because she wasn’t interested in hooking up and Johanna because she enjoyed my company. So we can fast-forward through years of friendship. Once Johanna and I graduated, my brother made his move and they dated before getting married. They eventually had Elyse, my oldest niece. Those two couldn’t help getting pregnant with Kaia right after Elyse. But during the labor process…” I swallow back the bile rising in my throat. “There were a shit ton of complications that happened and she didn’t make it.” Wetness pools in my eyes, but I blink back the looming tears.
“Oh, Liam. I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how tough that was and how heartbreaking it is to lose someone you care for in such a sudden way. You and your family have been through so much.” Sophie wraps herself around me.
“I feel disgusted with myself that I can’t move on. My brother is doing fine, and my parents are always strong, but me… I hate parts of myself. So instead of embracing all of me, I don’t. I lost my best friend that night. But also, I forfeited part of myself to survive the pain.”
“You can always fight to get it back. You’re not a quitter, and one day you’ll wear your hurt like a badge of honor. That’s when you know you can heal and move on. Everyone handles their pain and sadness differently so those who don’t accept you don’t matter because acceptance includes all the parts, not only the desirable ones.”
“Easy for you to say. I admitted I deceive others and you’re here boosting my ego.” I’d laugh if my throat didn’t feel constricted.
“That’s because you’re the only one losing when you deflect and hide. If you decide not to get close to others, that’s your choice. I’ll keep living my life with the bits and pieces you share. But the real question is, can you live with your ruse for the rest of your life? If you can, then you’re the most beautiful liar I know because the prettiest lies are the ones we tell ourselves.”
Damn. Sophie, despite her limited life experiences, has a shit ton of wisdom packed in such a small body.
She keeps going. “But remember this. I want to get to know all of you, including the parts you’re too scared to share. I want to learn about the man no one else knows. So give me every part of you because I’m not here to piece you back together. I like you too much, just the way you are, broken parts and all.”
Fuck. Her words fill me with hope I didn’t think was possible.
“I suck at getting close to people.”
She squeezes my hand, sending an electric current up my arm, replacing my sadness with lust. “You’re already getting close to me, you fool.”
Well, shit. I totally am, and I’m not the slightest bit sorry. Spending time with Sophie has been the best damn part of this season.