Collared(15)

My God, I’m almost thirty.

My stomach roils.

“That’s right. It’s June, so you just had your birthday.” Dr. Argent’s voice stays the same no matter what she says. It doesn’t change even when mine does. I guess that’s what years of college and hundreds of thousands of dollars in school loans will get you—a level, emotionless voice. “Do you know the name of the man who kidnapped you?”

I barely have time to absorb that I’m in my mid-twenties before she thrusts me into the next difficult topic. “Earl Rae Jackson.” My tongue drills into the side of my cheek when I say his name. I don’t know why.

“Do you know where you were being held?” She crosses her legs and leans back like she’s getting comfortable.

This is one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life.

“In an old house. Somewhere in the country.” I wet my lips and think. How could I have lived somewhere for a decade and have no idea where, in what city in which state, I was?

“That’s right. You were just outside of Bellingham.”

Bellingham. In the same exact state. So close to home . . . what took them so long? Why couldn’t they have found me before I lost myself? Why . . .?

That had been the tenor of my early years with Earl Rae, and it messed me up good—I’m not going back there. Asking why doesn’t do anything. It can’t fix what had happened. Asking why doesn’t belong in the future; it belongs in the past.

“Do you need anything, Jade?” Dr. Argent pauses like she’s waiting for me to rattle off some laundry list of things I need.

Maybe I do need plenty of things, but none of those things can be picked up at a grocery store. I let the silence continue.

“The doctors say that, given your circumstance, you’re quite healthy. It’s hard for them to say until the bloodwork comes back, but it doesn’t appear as though you have any vitamin or mineral deficiencies, and with some exercise and time, I’m told you’ll be able to run marathons by next summer if you so desire.”

I hear the smile in her voice, but I don’t understand it. Why is she smiling? What’s there to smile about? So I don’t have any vitamin deficiencies—I have plenty of others that can’t be fixed by pills and sunshine.

“He took care of me. Made sure I had vitamins. Access to a treadmill and some weights. I had to eat healthy, no sugar. He even brought home antibiotics the one time my neck managed to get too infected. I didn’t survive ten years because he neglected me.” When I swallow, I feel the gauze wound around my neck. It’s not too tight, but it feels strange. Foreign. I’m used to something heavy and cold circling my neck, not something light and gentle. It makes me uncomfortable.

“Did he abuse you, Jade?”

Her question hits me hard. So hard I need to shake my head to clear it before I can answer. I’d known this question would come. I spent enough time fantasizing about being rescued that I’d run through what my life would be like after being found. Questions. Morbid curiosity. Everyone telling me they wished me the best but secretly believing I didn’t stand a chance. No one able to look at me without seeing me as a victim. No one able to not wonder what Earl Rae had done to me.

“Are you asking if he raped me?” I don’t flinch. I just blink at the ceiling and wait.

“I’m asking if he abused you.”

“If he raped me.”

Dr. Argent is quiet for a minute. I’m not making this easy on her, but she isn’t making this easy on me either. “There are more abuses than rape, Jade.”

I don’t need her to tell me that. Actually, it upsets me, pisses me off that this person who’s studied books is telling me how abuse works.

“The answer is no. He never touched me like that.” I swallow because my throat is on fire. From the drugs and now the emotions clawing at it. “I was his daughter. He never raped me. I’m fine . . . so you can move on to another patient who needs you.”

I’m Sara, your daughter. I missed you, Dad. I’m so glad you found me. I love you. Those phrases have been so programmed into me I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forget them. In a way, they’re the words that freed me. Once I finally gave in to playing the role of his daughter, I was allowed out of the closet. I moved from the dark to the light. I went from being a prisoner to a priceless family member.

“He didn’t rape you, but he did kidnap you, held you against your will for ten years, and kept you chained up.” Dr. Argent lets that hang in the air. She isn’t waiting for me to respond; she just wants to make sure that gets good and embedded in my head. Since clearly my head wasn’t messed up enough. “This isn’t something a person can just get over, Jade. It’s not something they can just be ‘fine’ from a day later.”

I wish the drugs would carry me back under again, but my adrenaline’s probably burning through them too quickly. I want to fall asleep and wake up to find that I’m all ready to move on and my scars have faded away.

“Well, I can.” My voice breaks, and I look at the cup of water. I wet my lips again. “I just want to forget it all. I can’t do that if you keep asking me questions, okay?” My fingers tremble. I ignore them. “I just want to forget the past ten years of my life.”

“You know that isn’t possible.” Her harsh words are spoken softly.