Chasing Spring(45)

“You don’t understand! None of you understand!” she screamed, flailing her arms out, trying to get someone to listen. “It wasn’t supposed to happen!”

She staggered down the back stairs, sobbing incoherently, but the second her eyes locked on me, her insane delirium seemed to lessen.

“Lilah, come give your mom a hug. I miss you so much, baby,” she crooned, stumbling over her own feet as she tried to reach me.

Chase stood up and put his body in front of mine. Even at sixteen he was bigger than she was.

“Don't you dare come near her,” he threatened. “My mom wouldn't want you here! I don't want you here!”

She kept trying to come closer and I sidestepped Chase to get to her. She was my mom, but Chase wouldn't let me get by him. He held his arm out to block me.

“We don't want you here! This is your fault! You did this to her!” he yelled, and finally his words started to sink in for her.

She stopped her pursuit to get to me, a blank zombie stare tainting her bright green eyes.

My dad and Mr. Matthews rushed out of the back door trailed by two police officers.

“Elaine, what are you doing here?” my dad yelled.

Mr. Matthews bypassed the pleasantries. “Get the hell out of here! So help me god, if you don't get out of this house, I will kill you myself!”

I'd never heard Mr. Matthews yell in my life, but he wouldn't stop. He yelled at my mom to get out over and over again until I started to scream at him to stop.

My dad wrapped a hand around my mom's bicep and pulled her through the side gate before Chase or his dad lost it even more. I was in a daze, trying to comprehend the fact that I'd just seen my mother for the first time in a year and she’d looked like she was on the brink of death. Her sunken cheeks belonged on a skeleton, not the woman that had given birth to me.

The police officers followed them out of the yard and pulled out their handcuffs. They were trying to arrest her, but she struggled, screaming at them to let her go.

“Chase, let me get to her. Let me get to her!” I yelled, trying to shove him away. I needed her. With Mrs. Matthews gone, I needed my mom even more, but Chase wouldn’t let me go. He held on to me so tightly, his fingers leaving marks on my arms, my screams doing nothing to deter him.

They pulled my mother toward the police cruiser as she dragged her feet, wailing for them to let her go. I had to watch them cart her away and I broke down in sobs, completely helpless to save her.

The sick memory of that day faded as Chase repeated my name over and over again on the stairs. Reality sank in like a sharp knife and I looked up into Chase’s hazel eyes, trying to find reason within the chaos.

“You wouldn't let me near her. I wanted to hug her so badly. She needed me and I couldn’t get to her.” I dropped my head and let the tears fall. “After everything, I just wanted her to go back to being my mom again.”

“I'm sorry.”

He couldn't have known that’d be the last time I’d ever see her. He couldn’t have known how important that moment would become in my life. My emotions had been stirred up with the grief of having to say goodbye to Mrs. Matthews. I had been mourning her death when my own mother decided to show up and make everything so much worse. I’d needed someone I could pin my anger on for the unfairness of it all, and I’d chosen the one person who could take it: Chase.

I stared up into his eyes, expecting to find anger. Instead, there was only grief. He hadn’t been given the chance to say goodbye to his mom either.

“I'm so sorry she took your mom away from you, Chase,” I said, stepping away from him. I knew tears were slipping down my cheeks but I was numb to their touch.

I should have known there was even more my mother had to atone for. It wasn't enough to ruin her own family, she had to ruin Chase's family too.

“She didn't kill her, Lilah. At sixteen, I was angry and sad. I wanted to blame someone and when I saw your mom, I just reacted.”

I shook my head. He was so wrong. “Your mom wouldn't have been killed if… She was just so consumed with her own demons, she was blind to everyone else.”

“We'll never know, Lilah. There's no point in holding on to that anger.”

I inhaled a shaky breath, feeling the sadness well up inside me even more.

“Your mom was good. She didn't deserve to die.”

Chase stayed silent for a long while and when he finally spoke, his voice was calm and resolute. “I've had two years to think about that night, and I’ve truly come to believe that my mom would still have gone back to the house even if she’d known what would happen to her. That night didn’t just happen the way it did because of your mom’s need for salvation. It was just as much a result of my mom’s need to be her savior.”

There was so much misplaced blame surrounding our mothers’ deaths.

The only thing I could do was take a deep breath and realize that I'd been looking at the situation from one perspective. For years, Chase had been the scapegoat for my grief. As I stepped back, I realized Chase wasn't at fault. Through some alchemy, he’d found a way to turn his hate, blame, anger, and sadness into forgiveness. Now, he had shown me how as well. The blame I'd harbored for him could be deflated and thrown away. Just like that.

Poof.

Gone.