Carnage: Book #1 The Story Of Us (Volume 1)(189)

She kneels down in front of me and looks down into my lap at first, she draws in a breath as she tries to compose herself, I don’t bother, I just let the tears and the sobs and the other awful, inhuman noises that I’m making, come at will. “We need you George, getting you through this, is what will get us through this. Sean would be so f*cking angry with you George, so f*cking pissed off.” She lifts my hands out of my lap and holds them in both of hers. “No one, no one ever should have to go through what you have, but you need to look at the bigger picture, you need to consider the consequences of your actions. Can you die, knowing that Marley will probably be right behind you, that you will be leaving Ash without the love of her life, that you will be leaving Joe, Con and Annie without their Daddy, after losing their uncle, auntie and baby cousin, you are quite happy going to your grave, knowing that you are probably taking their Daddy with you, are you?” I let out another loud sob. “Are you George, f*cking answer me?”

I shake my head. “No,” I whisper. “No I’m not.”

She wraps her arms around me. “Then this shit stops now, we will love and mourn for Sean and Beau for the rest of our lives, we’ll never forget them and we will help each other deal with their loss the best we can but we will not, none of us, add to the untold grief, this family is already suffering. Are we understood?” I nod my head slowly and take in a few breaths. “I love you George and I don’t want to lose you. You need to go and live your life and you need to live it large, you need to live it for Sean and for Beau too and you need to make every day count.”

If I thought listening to Jimmies words was hard, it was nothing compared to Ashley’s silence, she arrived at my Mum’s later that same afternoon. I was leaning against the worktop in the kitchen, watching my Mum make a cup of tea, Marley was sitting on a bar stool talking to us both about how well Joe was doing at football, when Ash walked in, the kids were with her but they’d all gone straight to the playroom. She ignored Marley as he said hello and strode purposefully toward me, then smacked me hard around the face as soon as I was in reach.

“Ash,” Marley shouted at her, she held up her finger for him to shush, she looked back at me. “That’s the last time George, the last f*cking time you put us through this shit. Your Husband would be so ashamed, so f*cking ashamed of you right now.” She then pulled me in for a cuddle and told me how much she loved me.

That all happened three weeks ago, three weeks in which I’d been alive, but dead, I didn’t die, I didn’t try and die, but I was dead anyway, death without dying is the worst kind of death.

The door to the soundproof studio at my parents’ house swung open and Marley walked in. “Up ya get George; I’ve got something out here for ya to see.”

I wipe my tears on my sleeve and stand from the old Chesterfield where I’ve been spending most of my days and follow my brother outside. There on the drive is Hilda, I turn and look at Marls. “Where did you get her from, have you been to my house?”

Marley hooks his hand over my shoulder and kisses my head. “I did, hope you don’t mind, I thought you might like to take her out for a drive?”

For the first time since December, I feel something other than pain in my chest, it’s like a tiny, tiny flicker of warmth and I look up at my brother and smile. “I don’t want to drive her out on the roads Marls but I’ll drive her around out here.”

“Yeah?” He grins down at me.

“Yeah.” I grin back.

“Well it’s a f*ckin’ start I s’pose.”