Calmly, Carefully, Completely(68)

“It’s okay, Pete,” she says quietly. “Maybe I read this all wrong.” She motions from me to her and back again. “I thought we were at the same place.”

“I’m further gone than you are,” I blurt out.

She stops walking and looks me in the eye. “Gone?” Her green eyes blink slowly.

“Gone. Done. Head over heels. Can’t stop thinking about you. Want to be with you all the time. Can feel you against my skin even when you’re not with me. Gone.”

Her breaths quicken. “Oh,” she says. Her hands lay flat on my chest.

“But I think I might be further gone than you are.” I lean down to look into her eyes. “Are you going to break my heart, Reagan?” I ask. “You’re already thinking about birth control, and it scares the f*ck out of me, the very thought of getting to be inside you. Because I want you, Reagan. I want every piece of you.”

“Even the shattered pieces?” she asks.

I bracket her face with my hands and pull her face up to mine. “I’ll be the glue that puts you back together,” I breathe. “I’ve been locked up a long time, Reagan,” I say.

“I’ve been locked up even longer than you have, Pete,” she says, her voice heavy with emotion. She swallows.

“Don’t give me hope unless you’re sure,” I plead.

“I’ve never been more sure of anything,” she says. She wraps her hands around my neck and pulls my head down to hers and kisses me. Her lips are soft and warm and insistent, and when her tongue touches mine, I almost come in my pants. I break away from her because I can’t take much more. She looks into my eyes. “I’m not ready for sex yet, Pete,” she says. “But I’m closer than I was. I feel like you’ve unlocked the door to my future. Now I just need for you to walk through it with me. So, quit being so f*cking scared you’re going to hurt me, Pete. And just like me. And then someday, maybe you’ll love me.”

I laugh. I can’t help it. I chuckle quietly. “I’m glad you had the birth control talk with your mom,” I say. “My brother Paul shoved condoms at me as I was going out the door to come here. I don’t know who he thought I’d screw at a camp for boys.”

Her face goes rosy red.

“I mean, not screw. Well, if it wasn’t you, it would be screwing.” Shit. I’m f*cking this all up. With her, it’s going to be so much more than screwing. “That’s what scares me, princess. I’ve never done what I want to do with you.”

“You’ve done it lots of times,” she says with a breezy wave.

I shake my head. “No, I haven’t.” I look her in the eye. “Now you think about what that means and be sure you’re ready for it.”

I turn and go back to Juliette and take her lead rope. My f*cking legs are shaking, and I can barely breathe. If this is what love feels like, I’m glad it waited until I was old enough to understand it.





Reagan



Maggie’s not feeling well again, and I hear her wretch from across the room. “Mags,” I say. But it’s too late. She tosses her kibble all over my bedroom floor. I rub her head. She’s still pretty spry for her age, but she’s been throwing up for the past few weeks. I’m going to have to take her to the vet to see what’s up. I clean her mess, and hunker down with a wet cloth to scrub the carpet. But there’s a knock on my door. “Come in,” I call absently.

The door opens, and my heart leaps into my throat when I see Pete standing there. It’s late. “Pete,” I say, as I look up from the puke spot. “I was just…” Are you supposed to talk about puking with a man? Probably not. “Maggie got sick,” I finally say.