Burn It Up(87)

“Okay. I see it now.” She took it in—the whole of Fortuity was laid out before them, all the way out to Three C and the open range beyond. She oriented herself by the church in the center of town, finding Benji’s and the diner, even the house she’d rented a room at, a little ways south.

“I haven’t been up here in over ten years,” Casey said, squinting against the sun, studying the landscape. “This is where I’d go in high school to smoke weed and think deep, philosophical thoughts. It’s where I was sitting when I decided to leave town.”

“Oh.”

“It’s funny . . . When I made that decision, a decade ago, now, this view seemed like everything I needed to know. Like I was looking at the future—at my hometown, the place I’d get stuck in forever if I didn’t escape. It looks different now.”

“How?”

“Lots of ways. I think before, I looked at this place and I thought about what kind of a life I could have, and all I saw was my dad’s legacy. Or lack thereof. I think I thought, if I don’t get out of here, I’m gonna be nothing. I’m gonna wind up working at the quarry, like every other nobody.” He waved his arm south. “I’m gonna live in some little house, a few blocks from where I grew up, and in fifty years I’m gonna die and wind up in that graveyard.” He flicked a hand to the northeast.

“And what do you see now?”

“I see memories now. I see the garage, and all the streets I drove down, the creek where we used to swim. I see Big Rock, where I kissed a girl for the first time when I was fourteen. And the train tracks that I followed when I tried to run away and find my dad when I was six. And I see the future, too. I see the bar I was barely old enough to drink at when I left town, and now it’s mine.”

She nodded. “That’s all very nice, but what did you bring me here to talk about?”

He took a deep breath, let it out slow, and laced his fingers between his knees. When he turned, she did the same.

What precisely was charging those blue eyes, she wondered? Something beyond nerves. Waiting as he assembled his thoughts was torture, the longest half a minute in her life. “Casey?”

He huffed a heavy breath.

“I messed up last night. You told me you were starting to feel something, starting to wonder if we might be something serious, maybe, someday. And I let you think I didn’t want that.”

“Oh.” Her chest felt funny and she resisted an urge to rub at her heart.

“I got scared, and that was lame.”

“Scared of what?”

“Of coming clean, partly. About my past. And scared of what it all meant—commitment, stepping up. Like, all the f*cking way up, when a part of me is terrified if I tried, I’d only find out I was just like my dad. Like I’d let you guys down in the end. Like I’d realize I couldn’t cut it, and run out on you and the baby, and on my family and on Duncan.”

“I can’t imagine you doing that.”

“Well, you haven’t known me all that long. I’m a better man now, since I’ve come home, a better man than I have been for a long, long time. Maybe ever.”

She could say the same about herself, she realized. It had taken Mercy for her to get her act together. Now a year clean, she could look back and realize that the reason she’d gotten addicted to heroin was that she’d woken up each morning and felt nothing. She’d had no reason to get up, nothing in her life worth being awake for. The chemical blank had felt better than all those waking hours of pointlessness. But Mercy had changed all that. There was a focus to her life, a reason to do better, to be better.

“You remember when you asked me what it is I want most?” Casey murmured. “And how I said I didn’t really know yet? Well, I still don’t, but I’m starting to. And it’s because of everything that’s come into my life these past few months. All the responsibilities, even the ones that scare me. It’s feeling like I’m finally becoming a man, and you guys are no small part of that. I want whatever this feeling is that it’s been giving me. Worthiness, maybe.”

“I know exactly what you mean.”

“I want to be worthy of people’s respect, and faith, and love, maybe. That’s what I want most now.”

“Those are wonderful things to want.”

“Way f*cking better than money—that’s for sure . . . I don’t have everything all figured out,” he said softly, his breath finally coming smooth and even. “And I’m still scared. Fucking petrified. But I knew the second I shut your door behind me last night, I’d made a mistake. I’m so scared of becoming my dad, but that’s exactly what I did. I left the second you asked something of me that I was afraid I couldn’t give. But I want to take that back, if you’ll let me.”

And would she? She nearly could, but not yet. “There’s a lot I don’t know about you, and plenty you don’t know about me, either.” The former no longer frightened her, but what he might make of her own past still did.

“Of course. And I don’t know if I can be what you need. If I can be something for you that I’ve never been able to be for anyone before, and even though I don’t know if it’s enough . . . I know I’m thirty-three so maybe this sounds really pathetic, but I feel like a man, for the first time,” he said, speaking to her hands or her knees. “Like a grown-ass man who can protect somebody, and take care of them, and cheer them up and crap like that. No woman’s ever made me feel like that. Like you look at me sometimes and suddenly I’m eight feet tall, and that you think I can do anything.” He paused just long enough to take her hand in his. “It makes me want to be better. And to do good. Makes me feel about a thousand things, all stuffed inside my chest, and in my head, and hell, in my dick probably, too. Like, everything, everywhere. I can’t promise forever, or even that I won’t f*ck everything up, but I’d like a chance to try. If you wanted to give me one, that is. If you’re ready to swap some skeletons.”