Burn It Up(70)

“Is that what you want?”

“It sounds like a luxury. Like I said, I’d rather have a skill, like hairstyling or something. Getting a bachelor’s . . . I don’t even know what I’d want to study. If it can’t help me pay my rent, and quickly, it sounds too frivolous to imagine. But maybe in a few years, when Mercy is in school herself, I could take some classes. I’d like to learn Spanish again. I was good at Spanish, and it’d be useful around here. How, I’m not sure. Maybe if I ever got some job at the casino or something. Some kind of administrative job.” Such a thing sounded pleasant—steady and air-conditioned, with benefits, if not a ton of mental stimulation.

“If you’d ever forgive me,” she added, wondering what kind of a future Benji’s had, once the Eclipse was up and running. The coming crowds could have them thriving, or the accompanying competition could choke them into oblivion. It was hard to guess.

“You do whatever you need to do,” he said. “And pretending the casino’s not coming won’t make it so. I’m all about exploiting a given situation, so if you decide it’s what you want, I’d never tell you not to.”

“Your brother would probably say it’s disloyal.”

“My brother would also say that family comes first,” Casey said. “And you have to do what’s best for Mercy.”

She nodded, mussing her already chaotic hair against the pillow. “I’m trying to, anyhow.”

Casey shifted his legs, giving her own a little breathing room; their skin was clammy now, and she turned onto her back, freeing her arms and welcoming the cool, dry air on them. He did the same, and took her hand atop the covers, in the little hammock the blanket made between their hips. He yawned, the sound long and lazy, and telling her this pleasant chat was coming to an end. Before he could nod off, she shared a little more of that truth that had for so long eluded her.

“This was really nice, just now.”

“The talking, or what came before it?”

“Both.” She hesitated before going on, unsure if it had been exceptional to him or not. What if the best sex of her life was nothing more than a typical encounter for him? He didn’t hold back the way she did, after all. Tonight had felt like a deep, dark surrender to her, whereas a man like Casey probably put everything on the table, every single time he went to bed with somebody.

Still, her cowardly days were done. She was sick of hesitating, sick of deferring, sick of holding back her opinions, for fear they were wrong or dumb.

“That was amazing,” she whispered.

She heard his head turn on the pillow, felt his eyes on her face without even needing to glance at him.

“You mean that?” he asked.

“Yeah, I do. Not just because . . . You know, because I came,” she said shyly. “I just felt really connected, I guess. It was . . . I don’t know what the word is.”

“Intense.”

She nodded again. “Very.” But more. She’d had intense sex before, and it wasn’t always a great thing. Sometimes it could feel a little scary. But tonight . . . “Intense, but kind of freeing, I guess. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like that, with a guy. Wild, maybe. Not out-of-control wild, just . . . Shit, I dunno.”

He laughed, possibly to hear her swear, or possibly at the way she was dancing around an eloquent explanation but so completely failing to pin one down.

“Electric,” he offered.

She nodded vigorously. “That’s a good word.” Maybe not precisely the one she was after, but close.

Casey sighed. “Someday, honey, I’m gonna get you alone, I swear to God. In my bed, where we can be as noisy as we want.”

She smiled at that. Their hands were clasped limply, and she threaded her fingers with his, squeezing until it nearly hurt, then letting them fall slack.

He kissed her forehead, whispered, “Turn over.”

She did, enveloped by his strong arms. Enveloped in so much, it seemed. In feelings so much deeper than she was used to, and so much deeper than she’d ever expected them to get with this man.

I’m falling for him. Falling quick, and hard, and knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt, he had no plans to fall in return. The thought should have had her nervous, had her pulling herself up short, hitting the brakes.

But hearts didn’t work that way, did they? And even if this falling could only ever lead to a painful crash, after all this time it felt too good to care.





Chapter 18


Lazy winter light woke Casey a few minutes shy of seven. Beside him, Abilene was snoring faintly, a wheezy hum of a noise he knew well now. He sat up slowly, not wanting to rouse her. Soon enough, she’d wake and no doubt be proud to realize that for the first time, Mercy had slept through a full night. Casey was proud himself, come to think of it.

Neither of them had thought to switch the light off before they’d conked out, and he sat at the edge of the bed for a time, watching Abilene’s face. Her mouth was slack, her expression a mix of angelic and drunk. She didn’t look dignified, but she looked goddamn adorable.

Last night was different, he thought, remembering it all with a warm flush. Abilene had been different. Fiercer. Needier, in that way that made a man feel a hundred feet tall.

Knock it off with that shit. Whether he was ready for something serious with her, he couldn’t say anymore. But one thing was set in stone—he had no business even fantasizing about it until he got those test results.