Bound by Bliss (Bound and Determined #2)(89)
“If you were there why did you not dance with me? One simple dance on the most important night of my life.”
“Was it really the most important?”
“No, of course not, but I didn’t know that then. I was a young girl who’d been taught that this and my wedding day were of vital importance. I truly thought I would die when you did not come. I felt that everybody I cared about left me—and you were just one more. You tell me that I should believe in love, well, I did believe then. If you had come to me that night I would have been ready to love you, to believe you were the prince of my childhood. But you did not come—even if you say you were there—you did not come to me. You did not tell me that you were proud. You did not tell me that I was beautiful. You didn’t smile at me as I walked down the long stairs into the ballroom, certain I would trip over my feet or that I would spill wine over my dress, or heaven forbid, somebody else’s. I knew that if something awful happened Swanston would find fault in me and that my father might not even notice. You were the one I thought would make it better. I needed you and you were not there.” Her emotions rang deep and true.
He wished he could go back in time and change his actions, wished he could take all the ache and pain away from her heart. He wasn’t sure how he could have changed them, but somehow he would have found a way.
He trailed his fingers from her shoulder down her back, stopping just above the curve of her buttocks. Leaning forward, he nuzzled the back of her neck. “I am sorry. I truly am.”
“And you think that makes it better?” Her words were still strong, but he could feel her soften against him.
“I know that it doesn’t, but it is all I have. I was young and foolish, as were you. I would do things differently now. I would cherish you as you deserve. I am doing the best I can to help take away your burdens, to wash your mind clean of fear and doubt.”
She made a noncommittal mumble.
Another kiss, just below her hairline. “I cannot change time, Bliss. I wish I had been your first kiss. I wish I had danced with you at your ball. Nothing would make me happier. I’ve done very little in my life that I regret, but I do regret that I did not understand at the Daremoors’ what I do now. I am sorry I was blind to what you were feeling, that I was too caught up in my own desires to see yours. I am sorry that I thought we had all the time in the world, when you felt that we had reached an ending. I am sorry that I was not there for you, that I did not understand that you needed me there. I am sorry I did not know all that I know now.”
Her whole body grew still, and then she turned to him. “And what is it that you know now, Stephan? What lesson have you learned that should make me forgive you?”
The words he would speak next were of utmost importance. He considered them with care. “I have learned that life is short. For some it takes a great tragedy to learn this. I have no such story, but it has been pressed into my heart all the same. Life is short. I do not want to miss things. I have already missed that kiss and that dance. I know you have mourned them for years, but my pain in realizing that I missed them is just as great. I want those memories, but I cannot have them. I refuse to spend time regretting that. I would rather look to the future, to the memories I want to make with you, Bliss. Memories like this night. Memories that I will treasure always. If something happened and I never saw you again, I would still have this. Do you understand? We can live in fear and regret or we can claim our future. I want to claim everything I can and hold on to it as tightly as I can. I will always treasure you, Bliss. Can you not trust me enough to take a chance?”
A soft sigh left her and her shoulders relaxed. “I don’t know,” she said, her voice trembling.
“Trust me. Trust us. I have never had a night as wonderful as this. It was a night of bliss, in more ways than one.”
A tiny giggle. That was progress.
“I am very glad that you told me. Now, do you think we can put it behind us?”
Bliss rolled over so that she could look up into his eyes. He could see the uncertainty lurking in her gaze. “I want to, but even if I do, what does that change?”
“Everything.” He filled his voice with confidence.
Her chest rose and fell, her eyes stayed locked on his. “Are you sure? It’s been so long since I trusted anyone but myself.”
“You can trust me, Bliss. I will not let you down. I will not leave you. You have already trusted me with your body. You knew that I would not do anything that you could not handle. You looked into my eyes and saw what I would do and you did not flinch. Did not ask to be released—and yet, you knew at even the smallest gesture I would stop, I would let you go. If you can trust me that far, can you not trust me a little further?”
She buried her face in his chest. “I just don’t know.”
He’d never seen her so tender, so vulnerable. Had he succeeded in tearing down her walls? “Bliss”—he placed a finger under her chin, raising her eyes to his—“will you marry me? I will not force you to feel things you don’t want to, but I want to start making those memories.”
She stared into him. He could feel her searching and could only hope that she found what she sought.
Her lips parted then closed. Her fingers grabbed his shoulder and she could feel them clench tight.
“Don’t be afraid, Bliss. Whatever you choose, I will understand.”