Blindsided (Fake Boyfriend #4)(58)

Talon’s mouth drops open.

“He blurts things,” I explain. “It’s normal.”

“But I was right. He knows.” Talon’s still uneasy.

“We’re not telling anyone,” I say to Maddox. “We’re, uh, trying to figure this whole thing out.”

“Figuring it out is the fun part.” Maddox winks.

Talon and I don’t respond. If anything, Talon tenses more.

“Too soon?” When we don’t reply, Maddox nods. “Too soon. Got it. Uh, I’m gonna go back inside. Just know I haven’t said anything to anyone about Miller, not even Damon, so please don’t freak out about me knowing too much. You guys are rich and could totally afford a hitman to take me out.” His face falls. “Oh, God, I’m giving you ideas.”

Talon finally smiles and lets out a little laugh. “I do all my contract killing myself.”

I sigh. “Figures you two would get along.”

“Anyway,” Maddox says. “Offer to talk is there if you guys need it. Otherwise, I’m gonna pretend I know nothing. Knowing nothing is my specialty … wait … did I just call myself dumb?” Before we can answer, he shrugs. “Eh. Oh well. See you guys back in there.”

He turns on his heel and heads back into the bar.

Talon sinks against the rough brick of the building.

“I think we can trust him,” I say.

He shakes his head. “It’s not that. It’s …” He sighs. “Is this what it’s like? What it’s going to always be like?” Talon searches the street again as if paranoid people can hear or that we’ll be recognized. The only thing that could hear us is random patches of melting snow.

“What is it always going to be like?” I ask.

“When I realized Maddox knew, it was like the ground could crumble underneath me if I said the wrong thing, and I froze up.”

I can see it written all over his face. It’s the freak-out I expected him to have months ago when we started FaceTiming each other and then again when we began fooling around in person. Only, he’s not so much freaking out about us being together but the rest of the world and how they’re going to react if they find out. If it was just us and our families, it wouldn’t be a problem, but we’re not just anyone. We’re both public figures—Talon more so than me—but if either of us was outed, it has an impact. On us, on the league, on the fans, but most importantly, on Jackson.

“My life is splashed all over the tabloids enough as it is,” Talon says. “What if this all comes out, and then those women we’ve been with come forward? What if you’re thrust into the spotlight, Jackson’s shit is dredged up again … Everything flashed through my mind in a split second.”

I take a deep breath, because what I have to say probably isn’t what he wants to hear. “During college, every time I hooked up with someone, I was self-conscious about it getting out, about them telling everyone. I was constantly looking over my shoulder, and then when I made the NFL, I was terrified one of my hookups was going to come forward, but they didn’t.”

“Did the paranoia ever go away?”

“It dimmed, but I’m not gonna lie—I still worry about it from time to time.”

Talon looks so brokenhearted and defeated, but I don’t know how to fix it.

“It’s probably something we need to evaluate,” I say. “Because this is what being together is gonna be like. There’s no way around that.”

“Evaluate?”

“If it’s worth it.”

“Do you need to evaluate?”

I want to tell him the truth—to yell a big fat no, I don’t, because it’s always been Talon for me. I’d move heaven and earth to be with him. But his uncertainty is clear as day, and I don’t want to influence that.

“Maybe we both need it,” I lie.

“Man, this part isn’t on the brochure, is it?”

“Brochure?”

“When you hear about people coming out, you always picture awkward teens sitting in front of their parents. They come out, parents react—good or bad—and then it’s done. Fuckin’ nope. You’ve got friends, work, random people figuring it out in bars …” Talon grunts. “Whoever the assholes are who say being queer is a choice clearly don’t know shit. No one would choose to feel like this.”

My heart stutters, and I know that’s not a dig at me or what we have, but I can’t help being crushed just a little. “Like what?”

Talon stares down at the ground, and it takes all my strength not to press against him and tell him everything will be okay even though I don’t know that for sure. As long as I can restrain myself in public, as hard as it is to do, we won’t have a problem.

No touching doesn’t take away the risk of people finding out, though. Maddox worked it out after meeting Talon for fifteen minutes.

Talon shoves his hands in his pockets. “I don’t want to change this side of me, but I don’t know how else to describe this—like my privacy is on the line and there’s nothing I can do to stop it from being leaked. It’s a control issue.”

“That’s why I want you to be sure before we … do anything else.”