Black Lies(89)

“Tell me you still love me.”

I fight it, close my eyes so tight the tears fall, my feet straining on their tiptoes as he rocks a tiny bit inside and breaks every last dam around my heart. “I love you,” I whisper, and earn an inch or two of push.

“Tell me you need me.”

“I need you,” I weep. “Please.”

He sweeps a hand down my back and grabs the meat of my ass, squeezing the material of my skirt as he pushes fully in and then drags out.

Over.

And Over.

Over.

And over. He f*cks me as if I am dirty and his slut and his to do whatever he wishes with. He f*cks me as if he can give an order and I will drop to my knees to worship him. He f*cks me as if his cock is my lifeblood and every stroke of it ties me to his will. I cry his name and close my eyes to the tears as he f*cks me because all of it is true.

“I will never leave you, Lucky,” he whispers as he leans forward and wraps a hand around my chest. Pulls my hair until my head is arched back and his mouth covers mine. Rips a kiss from my lips and swallows a bit of my soul in the process. “I will never leave you,” he promises as he buries himself in me and comes.





Chapter 72


Brant

I can’t look at her. I can’t look at her without picturing her bent over that couch. The look on her face when he thrust. When she cried. When she told him she loved him.

I can’t accurately express how it feels. To watch my body, my face, f*ck my fiancée. Before Dr. Terra began recording our sessions, there was a part of me that hadn’t believed. That thought that maybe she was crazy. That she and Jillian were both f*cked in the head and I was the only sane one. That somehow my parents had drank the same Kool-Aid. It was an impossible probability, yet my brain held on to it like a lifeline. But then I saw the first hypnosis session and watched myself act in a way I would never act. Smile in a way that doesn’t work. Speak in words I’ve never used. Fuck my woman in a way that I never have.

I don’t know what bothers me more. The image of her emotional pain, or the fact that she enjoyed it? I know what arousal looks like on her skin. I know the struggle she had, the fight against an orgasm. I’d like to think I’ve done that to her before. Made her crave my body in that way. Made her lose all control and sanity with simple thrusts of my cock. I’d like to think I’m not lying to myself, my jealousy justifying away a part of me that she may require.

Now, we drive back home. To the house that we are supposed to have children in. To the house that suddenly feels empty. We are disconnected. I need to find myself so that I can find her again and we can be whole. I need to heal us but I’m too busy healing myself. That man f*cking her? He was as close as I’ve been to her in weeks and I hate him even more for it.

I can’t look at her. I can’t look at her and see disappointment in her eyes. See her wish that I was Lee.

I look at the road and make the engine roar loud enough to drown out my thoughts.





Chapter 73


I have to do it. Have to stop screwing around and do what needs to be done. Brant’s hypnosis is not bringing any other personalities out to play. Lee is it, the only soul between me and Brant and normality. I need to break up with Lee. Ignore him for the next five or ten sessions, long enough for him to give up. Give up and sulk into a corner of Brant’s mind where he may never resurface from again. Dr. Terra says a DID mind creates alternative personalities to protect the primary, or to act out in a way that the primary won’t allow. If the primary can fill that void by himself, the alternative personality may disappear altogether. May. The short word that carries so much weight. Other possibilities… Dr. Terra won’t discuss the other possibilities. He says our awareness of those possibilities increases the likelihood of Brant’s mind exploring those paths, playing with the delicate threads for no good reason other than to drive us both bonkers.

So today, I am trying again. To end it in a way that leaves no doubt in Lee’s mind. Not like last time, when my pathetic attempt ended with his cock buried inside of me, my head yanked back by his grip, all in full view of the cameras. I am embarrassed by that moment, by the weakness shown to the doctor and to Brant. But Lord help me, I cannot look in that man’s face, the same face as my future husband… and pretend I don’t love him. Cannot see anguish—whether it be his eyes or Lee’s—and pretend that I don’t care. Cannot have the touch of him against my skin and be unaffected. Especially Lee’s touch.