Black Lies(70)

I step away from the car and tuck my hands in my pockets against the chill. My shoes are heavy as they take the stairs, her profile illuminated in the open doorway, her hand bracing open the front door. I meet her eyes as I step in. “Jillian.”

“Brant,” she says with a resigned sigh. “Come on in to the den.”

Den is a word used by a woman who doesn’t understand what it means. Dens should be comfortable, not the formal atmosphere that is the bones of this room. I sit on the edge of a divan and watch her face as she settles into an upright chair.

“Layana called me,” she says. “She told me what she told you.”

I watch her hands smooth the front pleats of her pants.

“I never wanted you to date that woman, Brant.”

Not the words I am expecting. “Is she telling the truth, Jillian?”

She looks at her hands, then up at me. “You wouldn’t even believe me if I told you, Brant. She has you so twisted around her finger. Multiple personalities?” she scoffs. “It’s her delusional attempt to explain an affair.” She stands and paces before me, her shoes clicking on the floor like a metronome. “You’re the one who suspected her of cheating.” She points a trembling finger at me. Trembling. From anger or fear? “You know what’s going on here, Brant. She’s found someone else and doesn’t want to lose you over it.”

I match her stance, rising to my feet. “So she invented dissociative personality disorder to explain it? Do you have any idea how insane that sounds?” Jillian won’t meet my eyes. Her gaze skitters over the room. “She doesn’t know,” I continue. “About my blackouts. Has no other ground to stand on. She looked me in the eyes and told me something she thinks to be true. Told me something she says that you told her.” Breath pushes out of my chest in hot waves, the pounding in my head hurting. Rage. That is this emotion. A foreign emotion that I haven’t felt in a long time. Don’t understand. I feel a peeling of my psyche, a loss of some of what I understand to be control. I blink, focus on Jillian, can feel the snarl in my voice as I step closer.

“Brant… you don’t understand.” She falters. “Your medicine stopped all that.”

“All what? The blackouts? Or my stepping into another persona altogether?”

She holds up her hands, and I stop. Realize how close I am to her. How the wide white of her eyes is fear. Of me? A laughable thought. I will my fists to relax and focus on my breathing.

“I don’t know anything about another persona. All I know is that you’ve been doing perfectly. Your work has never been better, your focus more crisp, your creative insight more in tune.”

“Fuck the work. I’m talking about my life, the person I am when I lay my head down to sleep.”

“You don’t mean that,” she straightens. “Your work is everything, Brant. You and I… we’re changing the world.”

“We’re building computers, Jill.” I reach out. Grip her shoulder and force her stare to meet my own. “What’s going on with me? Is she right?” I beg with my eyes for truth and see a falter of indecision in her own.

Fury boils through me at the tell, ripping apart the veins of my composure and I grip her other shoulder with my left hand. Rattle the small bones of a woman I thought I knew. “Tell me!” I scream into her face. “Is there someone else inside of me? Tell me!”

I watch, in slow motion, the snap of her chin, its jerk as I shake her shoulders. The feeling, an overwhelming hatred of the unknown, shatters every tie of self-control that I had in place. I notice, for the first time in decades, the strip of my world as it breaks into pieces. The dark sweep of oblivion as it takes my anger and dissolves it into a sea of black.

Black.

Nothing.

Maybe it is another personality taking over. Or maybe it is the injection stabbed into my back, Jillian’s eyes leaving mine for a brief second to look over my shoulder and nod.





I wake up restrained, my wrists and ankles given a limited range of movement, about two inches, best my drugged mind can determine. I jerk and pull, the action worthless, other than earning movement from the man in my room. Turning my head works, the movement free and unrestrained, my head lifting easily as I crane my neck to see the bald man move closer, his features coming into focus, the cloud of my mind recognizing everything about him in a second. “Dr. F.” I let my head fall back as he moves closer, his hand resting with reassurance on my chest, his face looking down on me with concern. “Where am I?”