Birthday Girl(122)

I grind my teeth together to keep my breathing even, and relief washes over me.

“I don’t know how okay I am with all this, but…” He nods. “I know you love me.”

I’m speechless. It’s a little heartbreaking to look at your son and wonder if you had anything to do with how good he turned out. I can’t believe he’s sitting here right now when I wasn’t sure he’d ever look at me again.

“Do you still love her?” he asks.

I hesitate a moment, searching for the words. Yes, I still love her, but… “She’s better off,” I tell him.

He leaves it there, not pressing further. “I have to be back tomorrow night. Is it okay if I stay the night?”

“Of course.”

He rises, carrying his beer toward the living room with him. “The Twins are playing the Cubs tonight,” he says. “You want to watch?”

I inhale a deep breath and release it, feeling like my body is relaxing for the first time in months. “Sounds good. I’ll order some pizza.”

“Cheese,” he specifies.

I laugh quietly. “Yeah, I remember.”

I take my phone out of my pocket and start to dial Joe’s, but then I hear his voice.

“And Dad?” he says.

I look up.

“I love you,” he tells me. “But no one’s better off without you.”





That night, I wake up to thunder rolling somewhere in the distance. I don’t open my eyes, the weight of too many long days at the job site heavy on my lids. I turn on my side, knowing I’ll fall back asleep if I give it a minute.

The inside of my right arm burns with the tattoo I got earlier tonight. Cole and I decided to go to Rockford after the pizza and get those tattoos he mentioned. He chose an anchor in the middle of his back, accompanied by a compass and a fisherman’s knot with the motto “Forged by the Sea” around it. It’s all just outlined, though. He said he’ll get it colored in after he’s earned it.

I’m guessing that means after his first six months at sea.

The candle etched on my skin feels like it’s actually lit, the smoke from the wick drifting up the inside of my arm all the way to my elbow. I’ve known since Cole first mentioned tattoos two months ago that something that represents Jordan was the only thing I wanted on me for the rest of my life. The birthday girl and her wishes. She’ll always be a part of me.

I inhale a long breath, and even though I’ve washed the sheets several times since she left, I can still smell her hair on the pillows.

And if I concentrate hard enough and keep my eyes closed, she’s there next to me.

I snake an arm around her body, and pull her into me, burying my nose in her cool hair.



“Was I snoring?” she whispers.

I smile, trying not to laugh. “No.”

She’s so self-conscious, and it’s adorable. I hug her to me, feeling so filled, because everything I need is in my arms right now. Her curves fit every inch of mine, and I’m whole. My chest fills with something almost too much to contain.

She breathes calmly, and I run my hand over her naked stomach, my body coming alive for her. So easily, like it always does.

Suddenly, her small voice pierces the quiet room again.

“You got me pregnant,” she whispers.

I still. What did she say?

No, that can’t be right. We’ve been careful.

When I don’t say anything, she turns around and faces me, her guarded eyes on mine. “I missed my period last week,” she says timidly. “I took a few tests earlier today. Best I can figure is I’m about a month along.”

I close my eyes. Oh, my God. A baby?

My baby.

“I hope she has my eyes,” she tells me.

I open mine. “Your eyes?”

“Well, she’ll be a mix of both of us, after all,” she explains, “and I want her to have your smile. It evens out, right?”

I touch her face. “You’re sure? There’s a baby?”

She nods. “I’m sure.” She looks at me warily and asks, “Is that okay?”

I open my mouth, no words coming out. A baby? I picture myself waking up with an infant in the middle of the night, car seats, and cartoons, and I’m overwhelmed, but strangely, I feel...so fucking in love with her and the idea of her body growing with my kid.

But I wanted her to have choices. Does she really want this?

The only thing I know is that I want her. I want everything with her, and I wish, for her sake, it wasn’t yet, but I wanted this eventually.

“I love you,” I whisper. “I love you so much.”

She exhales and smiles as if she were holding her breath that whole time, and climbs on top of me, straddling me.

“I love you, too.” She kisses me, her naked body molding to mine. “I was so nervous. I didn’t know if you’d want more kids, or—”

“Shh, baby,” I tell her, kissing her and holding her face. “I love you. I just…” I pause and then continue, looking up into her eyes. “You’re stuck with me now, aren’t you?”

She gives me a little smile, and I take her ass in my hands.

“I’ve seen lots of bad love, Pike,” she says. “We both have, haven’t we?” And then she does the barest of grinds on me, awakening my body immediately. “This is the good kind. When you find it, you keep it. Nothing is more important.”