Birthday Girl(116)

I’m not sorry it happened, but I am sorry if it hurt him. I reasoned with myself that he cheated on me, and I don’t owe him anything.

But I don’t want it to end like this. I’m fine with leaving. I’m fine with not seeing him right now.

I just needed him to know…. It wasn’t about him.

Do you love him? His reply pops up.

Needles prick the back of my throat, and I press the Power button on the side of my phone, shutting it down.

I force the lump down my throat and stuff the phone in the side pocket of my bag and zip it up, closing my eyes to push back the tears.

Shel enters the liquor room where I’m standing in front of a stack of beer crates, and instead of handing me my paycheck she went to go get, she takes a wad of cash and slips it into my bag without letting me see it.

After I crashed at my sister’s again last night, I came here today to collect my pay before leaving. But judging by the stack of bills she just hid in my bag, she no doubt slipped me a lot more than what I’d earned.

If I fight her, it would just be a waste of energy. I make a mental note to work extra hours when I come back. Whenever that is.

“What are you going to do?” she asks, resting her hand on her hip and peering at me.

“I don’t know.”

“Where are you going?”

“I don’t know.”

She sighs, and I pull my bag up, swinging it over my shoulder.

“Normally that would scare me, but…” I trail off, thinking. “I don’t want to keep doing anything I’ve been doing. I just want to wake up tomorrow and not recognize anything about my life.” I raise my eyes, looking at her. “And please don’t give me some lecture on how I’m running away, floundering, letting others control what I feel…”

She takes my shoulders, speaking firmly. “Run,” she tells me flatly. “Run far away. Just go. Call if you need anything, okay?”

I nod, thankful she understands. “Can you tell Cam not to worry? I’m fine, and I’ll call her.”

“You’re not going to see her?”

Tears threaten, and I veer around Shel and out of her grasp, walking out of the liquor room. “I can’t.”

If I think too long, or I look at her face, I’ll chicken out. Pike told me once ‘hit the ground running.” I’m sure this isn’t what he meant, but I’m going for it.

Jordan Hadley doesn’t leave her job. She doesn’t jump into a rundown, unreliable vehicle and hit the road with nowhere to go. And she’s certainly too afraid to ever be alone.

If I think, I won’t do it. I’m going. No turning back. Maybe I’ll come back tomorrow, the next day, or next week, but the longer I keep my foot on the gas, the farther I’ll be from who I was.

I stop at the bar and pick up my sweater that I’d laid on a stool.

“I know it hurts,” Shel says, coming up behind me. “You were happy.”

“I’ll be fine.” I hook the sweater over my bag, avoiding her eyes. “He wasn’t my first.”

“Yes, he was.”

I stop and look over at her, the knots in my stomach tightening.

“You don’t have to say anything, but you know…” she continues, “you didn’t feel this with Cole or Jay or anyone else.”

I look away again, biting the corner of my mouth to keep my feelings in check.

I’ll get over him. And very soon, every memory will fade, all his words and how every touch felt. It’ll all fade.

“But let me tell you something, girl,” she goes on, speaking low and discreet for the few customers in the place. “What you feel for him or anyone else isn’t what you need. This—” she taps my chest over my heart, “what you’re feeling right now—is the best thing that can happen to you. Because when all the pieces of your heart start to come back together, and they will, they’ll be stronger. And much tougher for someone to pierce.” She pushes my hair behind my ear in the way she always does. “So you can be sure that when someone finally does, he’ll have worked for it. We don’t need food to survive this life as much as we need our hearts broken at least once. But the best part is, the first break is always the worst. It’ll never feel this bad again.”

And for that, I’m glad.

But it also makes me wonder…. If my heart will never break this badly again, then will I love anyone like I loved Pike Lawson?





Pike



I pull up in front of Lindsay’s, scanning the parking lot around me for Cole’s Challenger. I don’t see it, but I can barely see anything through the rain right now. I’ve called him and Jordan nonstop for the past twenty-four hours, but I can’t take it anymore. If he wants time, I can do that. If he needs space, I’ll give it to him.

But I need to apologize to his face. I need him to know I love him, and I didn’t mean for this to happen.

Not that he’ll listen or probably even hear me through his anger, but I can’t sit around anymore.

Climbing out of my truck, I run to Lindsay’s door, under the covered porch, and pound with my fist. It’s been raining all day, and while I let the guys have the day off, I still went to the site and took care of business just to kill time until Cole got off work today. If he started his new job already, that is.