Big Easy Temptation (The Perfect Gentlemen #3)(31)

She hated how self-centered that sounded, but at that point in her life her career had seemed like all she had. She’d been driven to establish herself before she dove into a relationship.

His jaw tightened. “I understand that, but you dated other men. Why did you always refuse me?”

“I dated men I could never be serious about. I kept it casual. I never had pictures of them on my desk or called them my boyfriend. I compartmentalized my life. I kept my dates out of my professional life and vice versa. I wouldn’t have been able to do that with you. I knew it then. I know it now.”

A slight frown marred his dark brow. “I never meant to disrupt your life.”

“You’re not a man I can take or leave or have a good time with one night and totally forget the next.”

“You’re the woman for me. I’ve never forgotten you, not once since the moment we met. I’ve dated other women because I couldn’t have you, but I never forgot and I never really gave up hope that we would meet again.”

Deep down, she hadn’t, either. She’d always known he was the one man who could make her want more than her career. “I think if I’d stayed with you that day, I would be following you around from base to base now, waiting on you to come home. I know many couples do it. It’s honorable and sweet in a way, but I watched that life nearly kill my mother. She waited through her best years for my dad to retire but she died before he could. I feared living like I’m always waiting for something that never comes. I don’t know that I could be happy. And yet your service to your country is a part of who you are and what you do.”

“Do we have to make decisions today, Holland? Do we have zero chance unless I leave the Navy?”

She shook her head. “Of course not. I’m simply telling you how I felt. How I still feel from time to time. I’m also worried that if I don’t find a way to restore your father’s reputation, you’ll hate me.”

He moved to sit beside her. “I could never hate you.”

The heat of his body surrounded her, and it took all she had not to lean into his strength. She wanted more than anything to let go of all her worries for a night, to see where it could lead. “Never say never, Captain.”

He shook his head and gently turned her face his way. “Don’t distance yourself from me. I don’t want to be a captain tonight. I don’t want to be a fucking Perfect Gentleman or tabloid fodder. I want to be Dax, the guy who wants so badly to be with Holland. Just the two of us, with no outside influences.”

“Those influences will still be around come morning, Dax.” She spoke his name because he was right. She had been trying to keep her distance. But if they spent the night together, there would be nothing between them for those beautiful hours. No investigation. No worries about the future. Just one glorious night with the man of her dreams.

“We’ll deal with them then.” His gaze had heated, but he made no move to kiss her. “But I won’t touch you unless I hear you say exactly what you want.”

She wasn’t going to pretend to misunderstand. She heard the need in his voice and it touched her. He probably craved hearing her say the words out loud because she’d pushed him away for almost a decade. Had she convinced him that he meant nothing to her? “I want to make love with you, Dax.”

He must have known the words were coming, but even so his body tensed. “I’ve never wanted a woman the way I want you. Be sure, sweetheart. I don’t want a one-night stand. If we spend the night together, it’s because we’re going to give us a chance. That means you’ll be in the press. Unless we never leave this apartment again, they’ll snap pictures of us. But you’re right. Since I’m the boring Perfect Gentleman, after a few weeks, it will calm down. Everyone in your family and in your office will know about us, though. No getting around that.”

She would take some serious ribbing from her peers and with her uncle, but she could handle it. “Kiss me again and see if I run this time.”

His lips curled up in a sexy, dangerous smile. “We’re at your place. There’s nowhere to run. The first time I approached you, I should have locked the door and thrown away the key.” He sobered a bit as he met her gaze with a stare so hot and intent, her pulse jumped. “I wonder what would have happened between us that day if my father hadn’t interrupted. I sometimes wish I could go back and make sure Zack’s mom didn’t dive headfirst into a vat of Chardonnay.”

Like Dax’s father, Constance Hayes was dead, too. She’d perished on a road in England, years of alcoholism and poor decision-making finally taking their toll.

So much loss all around her, yet Holland had never reached out to grab life. She’d let the loss and the potential for pain frighten her, but now she was realizing how little life meant without some risk—and someone to share it with. “Are you going to kiss me?”

“The funny thing is, I’m nervous. I’ve waited all these years . . . You know?”

She was nervous, too. How long had it been since she had butterflies in her belly, her skin warming to a hot sting of a flush? And he’d barely touched her. She’d certainly had sex, and some of it had been good. But she hadn’t wanted any other man like this. “You’ve kissed hundreds of women.”

He brushed his fingers along her jawline, watching her as if he intended to memorize this moment. “None who mattered besides you.”