Beneath This Man(11)

'How are you feeling?' I blurt, instantly wishing I had kept my mouth shut.

He sighs and inspects his damaged hand. 'Shit.' he states sharply.

Oh, okay. Now what do I say? He doesn't seem pleased to see me at all, so perhaps I should go before I push him to crack another bottle open. He'll have to go buy some more, though. That will probably be even more of a reason to be mad at me.

I decide he must need some fluids, so I get up and head towards the kitchen. I'll get him some water and then I'll leave.

'Where are you going?' he asks, slightly panicky and bolting upright on the couch.

'I thought you might need some water.' I assure him, my heart lifting a little. He doesn't want me to leave. I've seen that face plenty of times. The domineering control freak usually follows, after he's pinned me down somewhere, but I won't get my hopes up too high. He hasn't got the strength to be chasing, pinning or dominating me at the moment. I'm disappointed.

He settles at my response, and I carry on my way to the kitchen, glancing at the clock on the oven as I fetch a glass. Eight o'clock. I've slept for ten hours straight. That hasn't happened since...well, since I was last with Jesse.

I grab a bottle of water from the fridge and fill the glass before traipsing back into the vast open space to find Jesse sat up on the sofa with his head in his hands, the blanket pooling in his lap.

When I reach him, he lifts his gaze to mine and our eyes lock. I hand him the water. With his good hand, he takes the glass, his fingers resting over mine. I retract mine quickly, the water splashing out of the glass. I don't know why that happened, and the look on his face makes me feel instantly heartless. He's shaking dreadfully, and I'm wondering if it's withdrawal. I'm sure I read shakiness as a symptom, along with a catalogue of other signs.

He follows my eyes to his hand and shakes his head. This is weird. Things have never been like this between us. Neither of us knows what to say.

'When did you last have a drink?' I ask. This is pink elephant in the room territory, but I've got to say something.

He sips his water and then slumps back on the sofa, his abdominals looking sharper from his slight weight loss. 'I don't know. What day is it?'

'Saturday.'

'Saturday?' he asks, obviously shocked. 'Fuck.'

I'm assuming this means he's lost a lot of time, but he can't have been in this penthouse for five days solid, just drinking. Surely he would be dead?

And then the silence falls again and I find myself back on the chair opposite him, twiddling my thumbs and searching my brain for the right thing to say. I hate this. I wouldn't usually think twice about diving on him and throwing my arms around him, letting him smother me completely, but he's so delicate at the moment, which is crazy, considering his tall, if a bit leaner frame. My strong rogue is reduced to a shaking mess. It's killing me. And on top of all that, I don't even know if he would want me to. I'm not sure I really want to either. This man is not the man I fell in love with. Is this the real Jesse?

He sits and fiddles with his glass thoughtfully, the familiar sight of the cogs turning is comforting, it's a little piece of him that I recognise, but I can't bear this silence. 'Jesse, is there anything I can do?' I ask despairingly, while silently pleading for him to give me something - anything.

He sighs. 'There are lots of things you can do, Ava. But I can't ask you to do any of them.' He doesn't look at me.

I want to scream at him, tell him what he's done to me. Sat here looking at him, all disheveled and tracing the rim of his glass, is just reinforcing the sensible side of my brain's instinct to run.

'Do you want a shower?' I ask. I can't sit in silence anymore. I'll tear my hair out.

He leans forward and winces. 'Sure.' he murmurs.

I watch him struggle to his feet, and I feel like a cold cow for not helping him, but I don't know if he wants me to, and I'm not sure that I can. The atmosphere between us is so awkward.

As he stands, the blankets fall to his feet and he looks down at his naked body. 'Shit.' he curses, reaching down to retrieve one of the blankets. He wraps it around his waist and turns towards me. 'I'm sorry.' he says on a shrug.

Sorry?

Like I haven't seen it all before - lots, in fact. In his words, there is not a place on my body that hasn't had him in it, on it or over it.

My shoulders droop and I sigh as I start walking with him up the stairs to the master-suite. It takes a while and we're surrounded by an uncomfortable silence the whole way, but we make it, eventually. I don't know how much longer I can stay here. This is a million miles away from what I'm used to with this man.