Beloved (Toni Morrison Trilogy #1)(78)

“How do you feel about what he wrote?” she asks, swiping tears away.

His words heal, but hurt a little more. I’ve longed to hear them from him, but they’ve come after so much damage has been done. Growing up, feeling unloved and alone for years, and then having another man I loved abandon me … For the longest time, I truly believed I was unworthy. I still believe that. “I’m not sure. It’s all a little late, don’t you think?”

“I don’t know. It’s obvious he thought of you and felt a lot of remorse.”

“But why not come and find me? Why not make amends before he died?”

“He was scared, Cat. I can’t imagine how he would have just shown up after twenty years. Would you have given him a chance if he did?” she asks.

I sigh and think about whether I would have been able to. A part of me wants to say, “Yes, of course,” but I was angry for so long. I was furious to the point that I would have probably slapped him and told him to leave. His absence hurt, which caused my mother to lash out at me in turn. She would always say things about how we weren’t good enough for him.

“It would have depended, but he never tried.” I shrug.

I continue recounting the rest of the night and Ashton grows more and more furious. She stands and then sits several times when I tell her what Neil did. She doesn’t hide her anger easily. I start to shake as I recall his rage.

“I’ll f*cking kill him!” Her eyes narrow into slits as I show her the bruises.

“I think Jackson threatened the same thing.”

“Well, good. He’s at least trained and could probably get rid of the body. No one would miss that piece of shit.” She stands and starts to pace. “I swear to God, Cat, he’s going to pay for this. We need a plan.”

I can see the wheels in her head turning. “Ashton,” I warn.

“Don’t Ashton me! He comes here and assaults you over his ring? No! I wish I majored in biochem. Then I’d have access to the good stuff in the lab.” She continues to pace, formulating her revenge.

“Seriously, he’s not worth it.” I try to break through her plotting.

Ashton continues as if I haven’t even spoken. “Maybe we can …”

I stretch, lifting my arms over my head as I arch my back. Ashton’s eyes go wide and she gasps.

“What?” I ask.

She rushes over and holds my arm up. “Look.”

When I look down, I can’t believe what I see. I have huge bruises on my arms where Neil grabbed me.

She sits on the bed, takes out her phone, and starts snapping pictures of my arms. “You need photos in case this gets ugly.”

I nod, wishing I’d thought about that. Whatever brought Neil to talk to me in the first place hasn’t been addressed. Now there’s the fact that he got his ass kicked, knows who Jackson is, and is angry—not good.

“It’s already there, Ash.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here. I got tied up at the lab. When I finally got home, I came right in here when you didn’t answer my text.” She softly rubs my back.

“I understand. You couldn’t have known this was going to happen.”

Ashton lifts my chin. “Now tell me why Jackson’s not here.”

I rehash the entire argument with tears forming, but somehow I manage to keep them at bay. She doesn’t comment on my fight with Jackson, she just shakes her head. When I tell her how I threw him out, however, her blue eyes grow darker. She’s pissed but is choosing to keep her thoughts to herself, which definitely surprises me. I sit there and wait for it, but she looks off.

“What? You can’t tell me you have nothing to say,” I say after her silence drives me insane.

She smiles as she places her hand on mine. “I don’t know what to say, Cat. I think you were on emotional overload. You’d had one of the worst days of your life. Do I think you made a mistake? Maybe.” She shrugs before she goes on. “Jackson may have been a little distant, but I don’t think he did anything wrong. I think Neil has some serious issues and Jackson protected you.”

“He’s going to leave me,” I choke out and wrap my arms around my center, trying to hold myself together.

“You made him leave.” Her voice is soft and nonjudgmental. She understands, but I can sense her disapproval.

“I had to.”

She lets out a sad sigh, shaking her head. “No, honey, you didn’t have to. Not every man is going to leave you. You need to take a few days and really think about how you feel about Jackson. Remember what you felt when you were with him. Then think about whether you can let go of the past and find a chance at a future. If it’s not Jackson, it’ll be the next man. You’ve always questioned if you were good enough, never considering that they weren’t good enough for you. But Jackson? Well, that’s for you to decide.”

“What if he wrecks me? What I feel for him is so intense. I’ve fallen for him so fast. It scares me.”

Ashton gets up without answering my question. She grabs something off my dresser and places it on my pillow. Before I can grab it, she puts her hand over it and looks at me.

“I don’t think you’re the only one that’s fallen.” Her brow rises and she places a kiss on my forehead. “Now, it’s up to you. Is he worth the fall and possible heartbreak, or is he strong enough to catch you?”