Beloved (Toni Morrison Trilogy #1)(27)
I need to explain this to him. I have to say something. I look over and whisper, “My father died.”
His eyes widen in shock before changing to sympathy. “I’m so sorry,” he says, and his sincerity breaks my carefully constructed wall.
“It’s fine. I mean, we weren’t close. I just—” My chin begins to tremble. I can’t speak anymore.
My heart is aching. All these years, all this time—it’s all over and I’ll never get the answers I so desperately needed. Why did he really leave me? Tears blur my vision. I close my eyes and try to hang on to the anger I had moments ago.
Jackson must sense I’m about to fall apart because he leans in, puts his arm around me, and pulls me to his side. I try to resist, but he’s stronger and grips tighter. Not wanting to fight him, I give in, allowing myself this one moment to accept the comfort he’s offering. His warmth cocoons me as I curl into his chest and slip my arm around his stomach. He holds me so snug, keeping me together while my mind spins. He does nothing to move me, just tenderly strokes the side of my arm. My heart is pounding and my breathing is shallow, both from the whirlwind of emotions and his closeness. I start to pull away, trying to put some distance between us, but Jackson refuses to relax his hold on me. I have to admit I feel so small and safe in his embrace. Closing my eyes, I lose myself in his touch. I want to cry, but the tears won’t come. I focus on the steady sound of his heartbeat. So sure, so strong. The thrumming anchors me and keeps me from falling apart. We stay like this the rest of the car ride, neither of us speaking as I try to understand the numbness I’m feeling.
When we arrive at the airport, Jackson shifts slightly and I sit up. I look out the window and realize we’re at Teterboro, which means we’re flying on a private jet. I turn to look at Jackson, confused and embarrassed, when he puts his hand on my cheek, softly cradling it. “Are you going to be okay? We can cancel the trip if you need to.”
“No!” I say loudly and he startles, dropping his hand from my face.
“I’m serious. You need to deal with—” His brows draw together before he runs his hands down his face.
“No, it’s fine.” I don’t want to deal with any of it. I’m not going to run to take care of a man who never cared enough to take care of me. I take a deep breath and move my hand, placing it tentatively on his. “Please, I don’t want to reschedule the trip. I promise, I’m really okay.”
He stays quiet for a minute. I’m praying he believes me. Jackson pinches the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes. He blows out a long breath, exits the car, and walks over to speak to the driver. My heart can’t take this pain. I hang my head, creating a veil with my dark brown hair so he can’t see me falling apart. I need this trip. I want to escape and not go back and have to deal with my dead father who abandoned me. I put him and all the shit he did to me in a box—then I took his box and shoved it away. I have no desire to dust it off and open it again.
I hear my car door open and look up. Jackson is standing there, hand extended, with a sad smile on his face. He tilts his head toward the runway and says, “Come on, we’ve got a plane to catch.”
I place my hand in his and allow him to help me from the car. “Thank you, Jackson.” My eyes are soft and my voice is full of emotion. I remove my hand after giving his a small squeeze and head toward the trunk to collect my bag. Jackson walks silently behind me. I’ve probably scared him with my almost breakdown.
We both reach for my bag’s handle at the same time. I giggle as he swats my hand away. I look over at him. His eyes are bright and glossy and his mouth is in a half grin. “I love your laugh.”
The way he says it makes my heart feel lighter. “Thanks,” I murmur and look away.
Jackson clears his throat and says, “Now, let’s head to Virginia.” His smile grows as he tilts his head to the side. “You know where that is, right?” He winks and grabs my bag. There’s the smug bastard I know.
“Yes, I knew where it was before too.” I smile, thankful for the change in topic.
“Sure you did.”
“You know I have a master’s degree, right? I’m pretty sure I had a class or two where we discussed the fifty states.” I huff, pretending to be irritated with him. In reality, I’m silently awed by how quickly he brought me back.
“Hey, it’s not my fault you were confused the first time.”
“Gah!” I throw my hands up in mock frustration.
Jackson stops at the bottom steps of the plane, shifting his weight back and forth. My eyes dart between the contemplative look on his face and the plane—I hope he’s not going to cancel. As if sensing my distress, he places both hands on my shoulders and waits for me to look at him. Our eyes meet and I can’t look away. My breathing stops. My heart accelerates. His eyes are clouded with emotion. For me? For my loss? I can’t tell. He looks sad, and it rocks me to my core. Slowly, he pulls me toward him and wraps his arms around me. I return his embrace as he rubs my back. We stand there in each other’s arms, giving and receiving comfort from one another. My news was unexpected and so was Jackson’s response, but I don’t mind it.
I clear my throat and I swear I feel Jackson kiss the top of my head, but it’s so light I can’t be sure. We break apart and I smile. He reaches for my face but drops his hand before touching me, frowning as his eyes empty of all the emotion present just seconds before. Without a word, he turns and ascends the stairs to the plane. I take a deep breath and follow, praying I can keep it together and remain professional. The lines are blurring, so I need to redraw them and stay on the appropriate side.