Being Me(Inside Out 02)(101)

He sighs. “The picture was taken at a charity event, with me and Mark. That was before he and I had a falling-out.”
“Over Rebecca?
He nods. “The night after the charity event, I was at the club when a buzz was going on about Mark and his new sub, and how she’d cried through a public flogging. I confronted him and told him he’d pushed her too far. He told me to butt out, that he was Master of the club. Since he wouldn’t listen to me, I tried to warn Rebecca away from him.”
I suddenly feel a déjà vu. “Like you warned me.”
“Not like you, Sara. I barely knew her.”
“But you wanted to protect her, like you wanted to do me.”
“Look, I know those journals make you relate to her, but she was nothing like you. She was just a kid, and Mark couldn’t see why that mattered, but it did. She was happy with him that night at the gala, a schoolgirl in love—before he stole that innocence from her. When I warned her off him, she was furious. I’m not surprised she tore me out of the picture. She felt the same way about Mark as your mother did about your father.”
“She kept your brush,” I say flatly.
He shrugs. “I have no idea why. Maybe because it reminded her of that night with Mark.”
I let that sit, then I nod. I can accept that answer, but not his silence before now. “So why wouldn’t you tell me this before? I asked you directly if you knew her. We’ve been looking for her together, Chris.”
“I told you I barely knew her, and that was the truth.”
“But you knew her better than you made me believe,” I say, trying to keep the accusation from my voice, but it’s hard.
I don’t understand his silence. “You didn’t tell me you’d seen her at the club, and there were plenty of chances for you to speak up.”
“When you asked me about her, I didn’t want you to know the club existed. I didn’t want you in that part of my life.”

His words hit me hard. I am still raw from him shutting me out of the funeral and his life. Suddenly, I realize this ache inside me isn’t so much about Rebecca as it is about the realization that Chris is still keeping me at an emotional distance, never really letting me inside his life. I am here with him but I am never fully present the way I want to be.
I try to move past him. He blocks me. “Let me pass, Chris.”
“Sara—”
“I need to think, Chris. I need space.” And I do. I don’t understand what I feel, but it hurts. I hurt and I’ve hurt for weeks on end. I’m tired of feeling this way.
He hesitates and then backs into the bedroom. I walk past him and snatch up my purse. “Where are you going?” he demands.
“I told you: I need some space.”
“No. You need to stay here and we’ll talk this out.”
“I can only assume you’ve told me everything there is to say now. Unless there’s more I don’t know?”
He visibly flinches. “No. There’s nothing else. That’s it.”
“Then we’re done talking. I need to take a drive and think.”
“I didn’t want you to know about the club, Sara. Right or wrong, that’s my honest answer,” he pleads.
“I know. The problem is that everything you tell me is because you’re forced to tell me—not because you choose to tell me. You never fully trust me.”
“That’s not true.” He runs a rough hand through his hair and he looks as tormented as I feel. “It’s not true.”
“It’s how I feel. It’s what I feel right now.” He’s been all about secrets from day one, and I chose to ignore the danger they might present. I chose to look the other way because I’m so damn in love with him. I walk toward the door and he steps in front of me. “Stay.”
“Keeping me here right now is the worst thing you can do, Chris. It’ll make me feel trapped. I’ve felt that way too much in my life. Don’t do that to me.”
He steps aside.
I start walking, part of me wanting him to stop me, even though I’ll be furious if he does. And part of me thinks his not stopping me is so out of character that it scares me. He let me go before, after I found him begging for a beating. No, that’s not right. He’d downright pushed me away. I haven’t fully healed from that and right now, I’m afraid of what I don’t know and how it will tear us apart, like the club discovery almost had. I’m afraid it’s going to happen again. I can’t help it. I need him to fight for me now, no matter how wrong of me that might be.
He can’t win by letting me go or keeping me here—and neither can I. Maybe we never could win together. We were destined to shred each other inside and out. Destined to end up right here, where we are tonight.