Behind His Lens(85)

I steal it off the book shelf, twist the cap off, and step back to look at the half painted portrait of my father staring back at me. The blue and orange hues cast shadows across his features, but his grey canvassed eyes stare back at me, pulling all of my buried sadness to the surface.

Fuck you. I take a long drag of the tequila and relish the pain as it burns down my throat, setting my mouth ablaze. Fuck you for killing yourself. Another shot slips down, coating my stomach in sweet warmth. Fuck you for leaving me. One more long gulp of the hard liquor, and then I drag my finger across the wet paint, smearing his features into a blurry mess of mismatched hues. Fuck you for not stopping, even as I begged.

Jude

My phone’s buzzing reverberates through the silent room and I reach over to grab it from the nightstand without looking at the caller ID.

“Hello,” my pulse rises as I wait for her voice to filter through. Charley hasn’t called since she walked out of my apartment three weeks ago and my heart leaps at the chance that it could be her on the other end of the line.

“Jude! Thank God you answered,” a female voice sighs into the phone, but it’s not Charley.

Naomi?

“Naomi? What’s up?” I glance down at the screen to see it’s only half past nine at night. I’ve been working, hitting the gym, and passing out early every day this week.

“It’s about Charley.”

What? I have to fight to keep my calm.

“What about her?”

“Listen, I know you don’t owe her anything…but I think something is wrong and I felt like you should know.”

My teeth grind together as I stare up at the ceiling. What am I meant to do here? She left; of course there’s something wrong.

“Tell me,” I demand with a gruff tone.

“She hasn’t even told me everything, but, Jude, she’s worth fighting for. She keeps everything so private. But I’ve never seen her like this. I can usually get through to her on the low days, but the past two weeks have been complete torture. She’s been ignoring my calls and won’t let me in when I go to her apartment.”

Naomi pauses and I hear her soft sniffles in the background. The next time she speaks, her words are muffled through quiet sobs.

“She has the most beautiful soul, but Jude, it’s tormented. She’s had such a hard life. The kind of life that looks perfect on paper, the kind of life no one ever questions. But you have to keep pushing, Jude. I don’t know what to do.”

“She walked away from me, Naomi,” I point out, trying to remind myself of that fact as well.

“I know,” she says the words, but her voice doesn’t sound so convinced.

“I begged her to open up and she left. Why would she want to see me now?”

“You get to her more than anyone else I’ve seen. Hell, I had to pry my way in over the years, but in a few weeks you seemed to peel away every layer.”

“I don’t want her to suffer anymore,” I admit, feeling my steely resolve melting away.

“I don’t know what to do,” she cries into the phone.

“I’ll go by in the morning. I’ve only been keeping my distance because I thought it would help her.”


“Thank you, Jude.”

…

It’s Saturday morning, which means that Charley should be running her route in Central Park. I could hardly sleep last night because I wanted to call her, but I didn’t think she would have answered. So instead, I decided to wake up early, throw on my running gear, and find her on the trail to talk to her in person.

The temperatures dropped a few degrees in the past week so everyone is running in thick jackets and hats. I peel over each person that jogs by, but there’s no real way to tell anyone apart. Every time a blonde woman runs by, I convince myself it’s her, and every time my heart falls once I realize the features don’t match up.

I stand in the center of the park, where most of the trails intersect, turning in a circle and waiting for her. Cold wind whips by, making my eyes water as runners swerve around me. Some of them curse at me for blocking their path, while others clearly see the desperation playing across my features and offer me sympathetic nods.

I’m not sure what will happen when I see her. I wish I had a poetic apology, or a simple way to make everything better between us, but right now I just need to see her. I want to find her on the trail and sweep her away, back into our own little world. Maybe once the sun is shining on my angel, the words will come naturally.