Becoming Calder (A Sign of Love Novel)(38)

"Do you plan on picking a mate?" I'd never asked him, but I wondered. Why shouldn't he? It's not like he could pick me, even if he wanted to. But surely he must want one. He was a man now, with a man's body. He must have . . . needs. I had seen other girls our age look at him with interest. With them, he wouldn't have to hide. I glanced back at him, my heart sinking.
He was looking at me thoughtfully. What does he think when he looks at me that way? "No. I can't even think about that. The only thing I can think about right now is getting a spot on the council and going out into the world."
I nodded, taking in his handsome face. His male beauty stole my breath. Calder had turned eighteen in January and it seemed in the span of a year, he had grown even taller and broader in the shoulders. He was lean, but hard everywhere and I couldn't help but let my eyes roam over him while his eyes were focused on his sketchpad. Sometimes, he showed up with a shadow of dark stubble on his jaw. That was my favorite—it's how he would have looked if I had had the opportunity to wake up beside him. He looked extra tired those days, too, but when I asked him what was wrong, he just told me he hadn't slept very well.
One day, as I sat waiting for Calder, my face tilted toward the sky, I was surprised when I looked up to the sound of him coming through the brush, and saw Xander instead.
"Hi," I said, standing up.
"Hey, Eden. Calder can't make it today. I wanted to come tell you so you didn't worry." He ran a hand through his black hair as he approached me.
I hadn't seen Xander in several months and he looked bigger to me, too. It seemed like both of those boys had shot up several inches in half a year.
"Oh, okay. Is he all right?"
"Yeah, he's fine. His sister isn't doing so well, though. She's had a pretty bad cough forever it seems like, and she does better, then worse, then better. She's worse right now."
I realized then I hadn't seen Maya in weeks. But I had just figured there wasn't much mending to do in the main lodge. Why hadn't Calder told me? Was that why he had looked so haggard recently? It hit me how separate our lives truly were. Hurt filled my chest, but I pushed it away and focused on Xander.
"Why didn't he tell me?"
Xander studied me for a minute. "Knowing Calder, he just didn't want to burden you. And he was hopeful. He's always so damned hopeful." He stared off behind me for a second, and then looked back at me. "You know he has feelings for you, right?"
I stared at him. I opened my mouth to say something, decided I didn't know what, and then closed it again. Did I know Calder had feelings for me? Yes. I didn't have a complete handle on what those feelings might be, other than a close friendship, but just knowing Xander could see Calder cared for me had my heart beating faster. It made everything worse. And it made everything better.
"Whatever his feelings mean, he won't do anything about it, Xander." I didn't know if he was looking for reassurance, but I figured he probably was. His fate would be affected by our decisions, too, after all.
"No, I don't guess he will." He didn't look exactly happy about that. He rubbed his eye and let out a breath. "Want to sit for a minute?" he finally said, indicating the small patch of grass with a large rock behind it where Calder usually sketched.
I nodded and walked the few steps to it and sat down on my knees. I felt awkward, and the unfamiliar feeling in this place made me realize how comfortable I'd grown with Calder. And how much I missed him, even though I'd just seen him yesterday.
Xander sat down next to me and brought his knees up and wrapped his arms around them loosely. "Any word on when Hector's coming back?"
I shook my head. "No, Mother Hailey receives letters from him, but he doesn't write to me. She told me he's living with some people who he believes the gods want to become part of our family."
He was silent for a second, and then nodded his head once and said, "Has Calder talked to you about his plans to get on the council?"
I sighed. "Yes." I was quiet for a couple beats before I added, "I don't know how likely that is."
Xander scooted back so he was leaning against the rock Calder usually used. "Yeah, I don't either. Tell me why you say that."
I let out a breath. "It's just . . . the other council members . . . they're different than Calder. I don't see Calder fitting in. He's too—"
"Good," Xander finished.
I nodded and lowered my eyes. "Yes."
We both sat silently for a few minutes until Xander finally said, "He's going to try as soon as Hector gets back, you know. And I don't see it working out well for him."