Beautiful Sacrifice (Maddox Brothers #3)(65)
Taylor reached out for me, but I pulled away.
“I just wanted to see her,” I said. “I can’t raise her. I accept that. But I can still be in at least one of her memories. Some days, I think that’s the only place where I want to exist.”
Taylor shook his head. “No wonder.”
“No wonder what?” I said, wiping my cheeks with my sleeve.
“Why you hate your parents so much.”
“I hate myself more,” I said, only just realizing this as I said the words aloud.
He clenched his jaw. “I can’t imagine someone making me feel so alone that I would feel like I had to give up my child.”
My eyes stared at nothing as I became lost in the memory. “I held her for just a few precious moments. Her entire body fit in my hands,” I said, showing Taylor how tiny she was. “I cried more than she did. I already loved her, and I knew I would never see her again. William wouldn’t come into the room. Blaire called him, but he stayed in the hall. He refused to even look at his grandchild, the thing threatening his entire campaign.”
I laughed once. “A baby. She was just a baby. Blaire whispered in my ear as I held Olive, as I cried over her, careful not to let the nurses hear. She said, ‘It’s called sacrifice. It’s the most loving thing you can do for her.’ And maybe she was right. Olive has a good life with Shane and Liza.”
“She does,” Taylor said.
“I’ve made it on my own—from nothing. I could have taken care of her. It would have been hard, but she was mine, and I was hers.” I sniffed. “I would have been a good mom.”
“No,” Taylor said. “You are a good mom.”
I looked up at him, seeing him with a new perspective and seeing myself through his eyes. It was almost easy not to hate the woman he saw. He’d glued a few of my broken pieces back together in a few weeks. I’d been trying to do that for more than five years.
“You need to stop,” I said.
“What?” he said, tense.
“I’m—” I bit my lip hard, punishing myself for my next words. “I’m a mess. I’m nothing, and I’m going nowhere.”
Half of his mouth curled up into a smile. “You’re with me, right? That’s not nowhere.”
“You don’t want me. I’m a coward,” I whispered. “I was more worried about material things than keeping my child.”
“You’re wrong. I want you more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life.”
I leaned my head into his chest. He pulled me against him, holding me, while my entire body rattled with overwhelming sobs. The harder I cried, the tighter he held me. He kissed my hair while whispering words of comfort, trying anything to make the pain stop.
“We’re here, in Eakins. Somehow, we’re going to fix this,” he said as I quieted down.
I finally took a deep breath, letting my body melt into his embrace.
“I think it’s pretty obvious that I don’t just want you.” He laughed once, nervous. “I can’t stay away from you. That qualifies as need.”
I looked up at him, managing a small smile. “You’re just trying to be the hero again.”
He wiped away a tear from under my eye with his thumb, and then he gently cupped my cheeks in both of his hands. “It’s more than that.” A line formed between his brows. “I have an idea what it is, but it scares the shit out of me to say it out loud.”
I pressed my lips together, seeing the desperation in his eyes. “So, don’t say it. Show me.”
He slowly shook his head and looked down at my mouth. He inched closer, his breath skipping as he anticipated what was about to happen.
The air between us electrified. Every beat of my heart was banging so loud that I was sure he could hear it. I wanted nothing more than for him to hold me tighter, for us to be closer.
His fingers pressed into my skin as his lips barely grazed mine, but we both startled when someone knocked on the door.
“Falyn?” Abby called from the other side. “You okay? It sounded like you were crying.”
Taylor’s shoulders sagged, and he took a few steps to turn the doorknob.
Abby’s concern was replaced by anger the instant she saw my face. “What the hell is going on?”
“She’s okay,” Taylor said.
Abby glared at him with accusing eyes. “She’s bawling. She’s not okay.”