Beautiful Broken Promises(65)
“’Bout time,” I called back with a wink.
~~~~~~~
Raegan and I had made an effort every night to spend quality time during the last hour before bedtime with Kate and Braden. No television, no phones, no computers allowed. I didn't care if there were dishes overflowing from the sink or a stack of papers three inches high on my desk. It was just the four of us, usually in their ‘temporary’ bedroom. We played board games and colored pictures, but mostly we read books. That seemed to be something the four of us could all agree on. This was the time when I learned the most about them.
As I was tucking Kate in next to Braden that night, she smiled up at me. It was the most peaceful, contented smile I had ever seen.
I touched the edges of her lips and said, “I like that smile.”
She giggled. “Can we always stay together?”
“Of course. Maybe not here in New York, but we’ll always be together.” I thought about Raegan’s panic attack today and knew that we would be leaving as soon as possible.
“Promise?” she asked innocently.
I stumbled on my thoughts and froze on that word. Promise. When she was a baby and I wasn't working, I used to rock her in this very room. I used to whisper promises to keep her safe, happy, and well taken care of. Promises that were broken. Now I knew that promises like that were out of my control, so how could I make an empty guarantee like that again?
“I love you, Kit-Kat. Tomorrow, we can go back to that museum you and Braden love, okay?” Thank God four-year-olds were easily distracted.
She smiled widely and turned to look at Braden, who had the same look of excitement on his face.
“Night guys,” I whispered. Raegan leaned over them and gave them each a kiss before following me out of the room.
“Lane, what happened in there?” she asked when we reached the living room.
“You don't want to go to the museum tomorrow? Sorry, that’s one of those things where I should have asked you first, huh?”
“You know that’s not what I’m talking about. You froze up.” She had caught on to that… of course she had. Raegan didn’t let anything slide.
I let out a sigh. “The last time I made promises, I broke them. Every single one of them. I can’t do that to her again. I know she was only a baby, but it meant something to me.”
“Lane, none of that was your fault. You didn't break those promises. She just wants reassurance that you aren't going anywhere.”
“Yes, and I plan on showing her that. I don't need to give any false promises, though. I won’t lie to her every again.”
Raegan sighed in defeat, although I knew it was only temporary. But for now, it seemed, she would leave me to my demons. She left my side and walked toward the kitchen, while I plopped down on the sofa to think about this new parenting gig and the vast responsibilities that had been given back to me.
- FOURTEEN -
RAEGAN -
After Kate and Braden had fallen asleep that night in the nursery, I confessed to Lane that I was having panic attacks regularly. Being the great guy that he was, he felt bad for not knowing and wanted to know where it had been happening. He said he had often gotten lost in playing with Kate and Braden, but he still thought he should have known if I was off in the apartment somewhere falling apart.
I hated that he felt guilty and tried to reassure him that I never wanted to burden him with that. I told him it was just something I had to wait out, and usually it was more comfortable to do it alone. Not surprisingly, he didn’t agree with me.
One thing I couldn’t get around was that the city didn’t give me the same sense of home anymore. Every day we spent here pressed on me like a vice. I was always checking over my shoulder, and I would never be able to step foot in the local playground where I had first met Mrs. Flores—especially not after my ridiculous freak-out today.
When I opened up to him about my feelings, Lane said he knew exactly what I was talking about and that he felt the same way. The tall buildings he had once loved looking up to now casted ugly shadows on the streets. This place would always be where his child was kidnapped… where his marriage fell apart. Maybe one day we would heal and get past this, but we weren’t there yet.
Lane told me that every single day we came back to the apartment he wanted to grab all three of us and bolt. He said that he would never be able to live there again, no matter how much he appreciated his mom caring for it. He was even grateful for Ash’s parents who had generously paid the mortgage every month. I didn’t weigh in on that topic because it wasn’t my place to choose for him.