Barely Breathing(38)

“Drop it, Viv.” He wouldn’t look at me as he sat down and laced up his boots. “I don’t deserve to be part of her life.”

“She deserves it, though.” I said it so softly I wasn’t even sure he heard me.

“I have to go.” He slid into his leather jacket, still not looking at me.

I laid back down and pulled the covers up to my chest. “I’m not saying goodbye to you like it’s okay for you to go. It’s not. You can’t keep walking out on me when things are emotionally tough.”

“It’s almost ten. We’ve been in bed since three. I’ve got shit to do.”

“Guess I’ll see you when your mood clears,” I said in a clipped tone.

“Whatever the f*ck that means. I’m leaving.”

He walked out then, the sound of the door closing making me sigh sadly. I wrapped myself up in a blanket to go lock it and then laid back down, my bed now feeling cold and empty.





Kane

THANKSGIVING WAS STILL TWO WEEKS away, but the city was covered in wreaths and bells and fake Santas. I scowled at one who was holding a bucket out toward me in hopes of a donation.

“For the needy,” he said, his voice slurred. Between that and the brown paper sack sitting with his shit in front of a downtown building, I knew he was looking to drum up cash for the next bottle of booze.

“Fuck off,” I snapped. “Go sleep it off and take the suit off, for Christ’s sake. You want kids walking by to think Santa’s a drunk?”

He waved a hand and moved on to the next passerby.

I jammed my hands into the pockets of my leather jacket. Unfortunately, I didn’t have any shit to do. Viv had seen through my lie but I’d left anyway. And now I was pacing the streets in the freezing ass cold.

I’d be a disappointment to Brooklyn. Hell, I already was a disappointment. I’d missed everything. Failed her at every turn. Every picture Cori sent me was like opening an old wound, and it cut a little deeper each time. She got older and prettier. No more ribbons in her hair and gaps in her teeth in the most recent photo. Brooklyn was growing up, and I’d still never once hugger her or even looked into her eyes.

The laughter of a little girl on the street up ahead caught my attention. She wore a white coat and a pink stocking cap and walked in between a man and a woman who each held one of her hands.

“Daddy, look!” she cried, letting go of his hand to point at an elaborate Christmas display in a store window. A train wound its way through a setup that looked like the North Pole, complete with elves building toys.

The man picked her up and held her on his hip so she could get a closer look. She bounced with excitement, pointing out every last detail of the display to him.

“And the lights! Look, Daddy,” she said.

“I see. Pretty cool, isn’t it?”

She turned to him and grinned, her eyes shining with happiness. It tore at my heart. Viv’s words echoed in my mind.

She deserves it.

She did. My daughter deserved to know I wanted to see her more than I’d ever wanted anything. Even if I never got to. Even if Cori cussed me into next week. Even if Brooklyn didn’t want to see me, I wanted her to know how much she meant to me. What if she thought I didn’t care? Or that I’d forgotten her?

Nothing was more painful than those thoughts. I wanted Brooklyn to know this was all my fault, not hers. That she was as perfect as a little girl could ever be.

I’d been so shitty to Viv. I needed to apologize. But first, I had a few stops to make.



Viv

I got up a bit before eleven and showered, dried my hair and dressed for work. It was all I could do not to call Kane and continue our argument. I wanted to be with him. He made me feel things and want things I’d never known possible. Kane touched me in ways that were more than physical.

But if we were going to make it, we had to be able to disagree without him walking out on me. Staying when things were uncomfortable was hard for him, but when he left it made me feel like he didn’t care enough to stay and work things out.

I was finishing up my makeup when a knock sounded at my door. I sighed softly with relief. He was back to work things out, and that meant everything to me.

When I opened the door with a hopeful smile, I was taken aback to see not Kane, but Grayson standing out in the foyer.

“Hey, Viv,” he said sheepishly. “I wasn’t sure I’d catch you.”

“Hi.” My smile slipped away as I remembered our last encounter, when he’d thrown me out of his apartment.

“Can I come in?”

“What do you want? I’m leaving for work soon.”

He kicked the ground. “I just wanted to talk.”

His hair was damp from a shower and he wore clean clothes. Even though I was mad at him, it was a relief to see him looking more like himself.

“I have a few minutes,” I said, stepping aside.

Grayson sat down on my couch, his shoulders slumped and his elbows resting on his knees.

“So about the other day . . . you’re right. I do have a problem.”

I sat down on my coffee table so we were face to face. “It takes a lot of strength to admit that. I’m proud of you.”

He sighed heavily. “Yeah. I don’t know what’s gonna happen. I don’t know how to get on top of it.”