Bang(56)

“What does that mean?”

“It’s just . . . It’s not easy.”

When he shakes his head in confusion, I repeat on a hush, “It’s just not that easy.”

His lips lightly brush over mine in a sweeping kiss, and I can taste the ice of his breath when he whispers, “I don’t expect anything with you to be easy, but that’s not enough to stop me from having you.”

And with those words, I kiss him, allowing him to feast on my sugary poison. He may have a power over me in bed, one that will no doubt cause me suffering, but in the end, I’ll take the pain because I know I’ll be able to destroy him enough to save myself, to give me everything that was stolen from me when I was five years old.





WAKING UP IN Declan’s bed the following day was peaceful. Peaceful in every morbid way. His hands were all over me while his face made its home between my legs before he pulled me on top of his lap. He had my arms crossed behind my back while he held each of my hands, locking my arms from moving as I f*cked him. And again, he held my hands while I came. If I’m being honest, I feel like I need that support from him, because what he makes me feel during sex is sheer torment and anxiety. I don’t want sex to feel good. It shouldn’t feel good. But he doesn’t give me any other choice, so I lied to him, telling him that Clara was going to be at my place and that I needed to be there so she wouldn’t worry or question my whereabouts. I just needed to get away from him.

As soon as I get home, I take a scalding hot shower, washing every part of me, but nothing can clean me the way Pike can. I feel myself breaking and stop the fight long enough to let it out. Never in my life have I ever wanted to feel what Declan makes me feel. As images from last night and this morning run through my head, the tears surface as my stomach convulses in bubbles of putrid disgust. Unable to hold it down, I quickly step out of the shower, fall to my knees over the toilet, and vomit uncontrollably. It’s a painful mixture of saliva, puke, and tears. Visions of Declan, Carl, leather, flesh, cum, that filthy mattress, the smell of that basement, the smell of Declan, my vicious hate for Bennett, my loneliness of missing Pike, my father’s headstone. Everything consumes me. I hear it, smell it, see it, feel it, and then another forceful expulsion barrels its way up my throat and into the toilet.

In this moment, I hate my life. I hate everything about this shithole of a life I so desperately want to free myself from. Sobs achingly rip out of me, and as I fall back onto the cold slate floor, I lie there, wet and naked, the smell of my vomit filling the room. And when I close my eyes, I see my dad.

“Princess, what are you doing?” he mumbles in a sleepy voice as I crawl under the covers with him.

“I’m scared.”

He helps me pull the blanket over myself and then cuddles me in his arms, saying, “Nothing will ever hurt you. I’ll always protect you. Now, tell me what scared you.”

“I can’t remember. I just woke up and I was scared.”

“Bad dream?”

I nod my head against his chest and snuggle underneath the covers of his bed, asking, “Can I sleep with you tonight, Daddy?”

“You don’t want to go back to your own bed?”

“No. I just want you.”

His large arms band around me tighter. “How can I say no to that?” he says and then kisses my forehead, the stubble on his face pricking my skin, causing me to giggle.

“Daddy! That tickles,” I squeal and as soon as the words are out, he’s laughing and nuzzling his face in my neck, pretending to eat me. The both of us laugh loudly in the dark room, rolling around his big bed.

I start pinching his sides, and he rolls onto his back with a huge smile and chuckles, “You win. You win. I give up.”

“You never give up,” I tell him, and he responds, “Sometimes a man needs to know when to let a lady a win. Now give me a kiss right here.”

He points to his cheek as he speaks, and I lean in and kiss his unshaven face, feeling the prickling pokes on the soft skin of my lips.

“Come here,” he says, and I lie back down in his arms as he kisses the top of my head. “Close your eyes now. There’s nothing to be scared of. I’ll never let anyone hurt you. You’re always going to be safe.”

“I love you, Daddy.”

“I love you so much more, Princess. Come find me in your dreams.”

The vision fades and I roll to my side, curling into a ball, and cry for all the things he promised me that never happened. I was never safe, and this world hurt me beyond what I ever thought a human could be hurt. All because of Bennett. And now I lie here in his bathroom, our bathroom. He’s my husband. We share a home, a bed, a life. I knew what I was doing when I embedded myself into his world, but after what just happened with Declan, I wanna run. Run so far that I never have to look back and remember any of this. Run all the way back in time. Back to Northbrook, back to the house I used to live in, through the front door, into my bedroom where my father still waits for me at my little table, with pink daisies, to join him for our princess tea party. Maybe if I cry hard enough, the world will take pity on me, shift off its axis and make all my dreams come true.

I want my daddy.

After all these years, I just want my daddy.





A COUPLE HOURS pass, and I now sit in the living room as I watch another snow-filled day. My body aches, and I’m tired after my meltdown. I know better than to let those feelings bleed through. It’s been a long time since I’ve cried like that and allowed myself to feel sorry for the life I wound up with. So now I sit here and gain control as the fire ignites inside of me. The fire I let fizzle out earlier. I feel its embers in the molten heat of my veins. A resurgence of what I’m doing here. This is about regaining what was stolen from me. Taking back what was mine to be had before my father was ripped away from me and murdered in prison. I can handle Declan; I just had a moment of weakness last night, but now, I have rectified that steel wall.