Bang(105)

I pull up to Pike’s trailer, a place I used to find solace because I knew he was always on the other side of that door. Now I fear what’s waiting for me behind it. But maybe it’s the fear I need to find my freedom.

Slipping the gun into the back waistband of my pants, I head inside.

“Finally. I was beginning to worry,” he says as he walks over to the window and peers out. “Anyone see you or follow you?”

“No one saw me,” I murmur as I fight the need to fall to the floor and sob like a baby. Instead I stand, mournfully numb.

“Why the f*ck are you still covered in his blood?! For f*ck’s sake, Elizabeth! Go clean that shit off of you.”

Looking down at my hands, they continue to shake; the life of Declan, crusted in now splintering pieces of browning carmine. I walk, almost robotically to the bathroom and close the door. My image, reflected in the mirror, is frightening. Bruises and a split lip remain from Pike’s beating, but the ugliness is adorned with Declan’s blood. It’s smeared across my lips and chin, the remainders of our kiss. The kiss of death. Sticking out my tongue, I lick it off, getting one last taste of that life, of that death. My death.

I turn the faucet on, but I can’t bring myself to wash off the blood. To take the lasting elements and watch them go down the drain of this filthy sink. Maybe I’m twisted, but the thought of licking every last drop of his dried blood off of me, like an animal, delights me. Taking him and making a home for him deep inside of me.

So I walk out, back into the living room where Pike has his bags tossed on the floor. He turns to look at me, cocking his head, and giving me a look of sympathy as he walks over to me.

“You can do this,” he says softly, taking his hands and stroking my upper arms. I’m not sure how I’m even breathing at this point with the noose that’s strangling me, slowly inching its way up, and any second, my neck will snap with a delicious sound, taking me to Wonderland.

“I love you. You know that, right?” he says gently.

“Yeah,” I sigh. I know he does. But Pike is a vile human, just like me, and the love we have for each other is infected with a sickness that only we know. “I love you too.”

“I need you to clean yourself before we leave.”

“I don’t want to,” I whimper like a child.

“I know. But it’s over. And we don’t have time to think about how it feels right now. More than ever, I need you to shut yourself off long enough to get the hell out of here.”

“Where are we going?”

“Out of the country. I don’t know. But we have to go somewhere long enough for us to figure this shit out.”

I shake my head, dropping it, feeling the tears drip off my cheeks. They sink down into the dirty carpet by my feet, and I know I can’t go on like this.

“I can’t do this, Pike. I can’t.”

“You can. You’re just scared. We’ve gotten through so much, and we will get through this. Just trust me.”

A tingle runs up my arms and drifts slowly down into my chest as I awaken. “I don’t know if I can do that anymore.”

Pike steps back, dropping his hands, saying, “What does that mean?”

“I don’t want to run.”

He paces across the room, and I feel it. The end. And it f*cking kills me because I do love Pike. I always have.

“They’ll come after you, you know?” he threatens.

“No, they won’t. I didn’t do anything,” I refute. “You did it all.”

“Is that what you think? That your hands are the ones that are clean in this?” he says, growing irritated with me as his eyes turn to daggers. “I’m the invisible link here. It’s you that they’ll be after. The wife. The unfaithful wife. You had a motive too.”

“And what’s that?”

He pauses, taking a moment while a sly grin starts to spread across his face. “Your baby.”

The mere mention causes a physical reaction inside of me as my heart picks up its pace, rapidly beating inside of me.

“That’s right. The police probably already know. The lies you told will become truths because it’s what you led everyone to believe.”

“Why are you doing this to me?”

“You’re doing this. You’re the selfish one who’s willing to drop everything because you can’t do it anymore. What about me? You wanna leave me?”

“I don’t know what it is I want because you took all those choices away from me.”

“I’m not letting you leave me,” he demands. “I’ve given you too much.”

“All you’ve been doing is taking.”

“I gave you my goddamn life!” he screams, clenching his fist and punching it right through the paneled wall. My body trembles in fear when he bores his eyes into me, seething, “I gave you everything. I love you. I always have.”

And this is it. My moment of clarity. I’ll never get that new beginning because you can’t start a new life—a new beginning—when the past is right beside you. And Pike? He’s not going anywhere. He’ll never leave me, and he’ll never let me leave. But I’m not sure I could ever truly walk away from him because when you cut through all the shit, I love him. I love my brother so much.