Apprentice in Death (In Death #43)(55)

“But not with him.”

“He resented my work, my time away from Willow. I took two years as a professional mother, to give her that time, to take that time, but I wanted my work, too. Still, I took another six months, and another six working only part-time. You’re cops. You don’t know what it’s like to be married to one.”

“We’re cops. We have a pretty good idea. It’s not easy.”

“I tried. But he wouldn’t talk to me unless it involved Willow, and even then . . . I loved my baby, but I needed to be a person as well as a mother, a wife. But I tried. I stayed in the marriage longer than I wanted, because we had a child. And when it finally ended, she was angry, too. With me. She adored him, and I broke our family. But for a while, it was better. She had her time with him, without me in the way. Then . . . she was barely seven when I found out he was teaching her how to use weapons. I found a stunner in her room, and we fought over that. I should’ve fought harder. I should’ve done something more. But all I could do was forbid her to bring weapons into our house, and after a while, for a while, I told myself it was good she had an interest—one I didn’t share. She entered competitions and won trophies, so I told myself it was a sport. She didn’t want to play ball or run track or join school groups, so this was her outlet. And if I didn’t try to get in the way, she’d be happy.”

She swiped at her face with her hands. “Lynda, I work with her. She’s my closest friend. I knew Lincoln long before we . . . We didn’t start seeing each other until after Mac and I separated. I swear to you we never—”

She broke off, closed her eyes. “That doesn’t matter at all now. It’s true, but it doesn’t matter at all. Willow never liked Lincoln, though he was kind to her, tried to connect with her. I told myself she’d come around, because I swear to you, he’s a good man. Then we conceived Zach. She was so angry when we told her. I can still see her standing there, barely eight, just a bit older than Zach is now, with her hands in tight fists, her eyes so full of this cold, cold fury. She said: ‘I’ve never been enough for you.’ She said, God, she said: ‘I hope you both die, then I can live with Dad.’

“Can I . . . I’m sorry, can I have some water?”

“I’ll get you some.” Peabody rose, stepped out.

“Detective Peabody, exiting Interview. Ms. Younger, did you consider counseling or therapy for Willow?”

“Yes, yes. I have a friend, but because Willow and Mac were so angry and opposed to the idea, I had her talk to Willow unofficially, you could say. Grace Woodward—she’s a psychologist. Anger issues, obviously, displacement issues. We kept it to talk therapy, very casual, and it did seem Willow settled in. She wasn’t interested in Zach when he was born, spent more time with Mac—I allowed it.”

Younger shuddered, let out a couple of shaky breaths.

“It was easier. She never wanted real mother/daughter time. She made it seem like punishment if I took her out shopping or to a salon or a show. So I stopped, told myself it was all right that she didn’t share my interests or I hers. But I’d go to some of her competitions, until she told me she could feel me disapprove and it messed her up. She asked me not to go.”

She paused when Peabody brought her a cup of water, drank it slowly. “I was happy when Mac found Susann. He was so obviously enchanted with her, and she was so sweet, so kind. I worried Willow would resent her, too, but she didn’t seem to. I think . . . Honestly, I think it was because Susann was—I don’t want to say weak, that sounds critical. But she was soft, and undemanding. Willow didn’t seem to be angry when Susann got pregnant, but that’s when she got into trouble at school. She refused to do assignments, back-talked teachers, threatened one of the other girls with bodily harm. We agreed to in-school counseling—”

“With Rene Hutchins.”

“Yes. Oh God, yes, with Ms. Hutchins. And Willow seemed to settle in again. Mac took her on a hunting trip out west, just the two of them, and we all felt that time with him showed her she wasn’t being replaced.

“Then Susann was killed. It was a horrible time for everyone, for all of us. For Mac to lose Susann and the son they wanted so much. They’d already named him Gabriel, and then they were gone. I liked her very much, I really liked her. And I admit I’d hoped Mac’s marriage to her, having another child—the son he’d always wanted—would help ease some of the resentment he still had toward me. Toward Lincoln. He was always so warm and lovely to Zach, but the cold would come back whenever he dealt with me or Lincoln.”

“Did he ever threaten you or your husband?”

“Oh, no, no, nothing like that. It was resentment, and contempt. I could feel the contempt for both of us, and wanted that family therapy, as I felt Willow took her lead from him there.”

“Yet you say she hated her brother, and Mackie was good with him.”

“Yes.” She closed her eyes again. “Yes, that’s true.”

“How did things change after Susann’s death?”

“He fell apart, Mac did. No one could blame him. Willow wanted to spend more time with her father, and I allowed that. I felt he needed her, and she needed him. But he started drinking too much, even coming by to get her when he was drunk. And I had to tell them both she couldn’t stay with him under those conditions. When I made her come home, when I drew that line, that’s when the puppy . . . That’s when it happened.”