Angel in Scarlet (Bound and Determined #4)(25)

“Then you could just have said no. There was no need for this elaborate fa?ade.” She gestured about the room. She did not understand him, not at all.

“You said you might go to another man.”

“I don’t know that I would have. This has always been about you.”

He drew in a sudden deep breath. Was there some easing in his shoulders?

He started to turn and then stopped. “Then I am back to not understanding what it is you want, why you are doing this.”

How could she explain when she did not know the answer herself? She knew what she had told Ruby, what she had told herself, but none of that was the true explanation for why she had sat upon this bed and let another man touch her while Colton watched. It was too much to think about when her nerves were still on edge and her body knew not if it felt desire or fear.

He leaned toward her. “If you will not answer, I can only think that you must have some secret plan. Why else come here? I know you were upset when I did not wish our relationship to continue, when I dismissed it.”

“I cannot deny that, but I do not understand why that has led to this degree of distrust.” She met his gaze and held it.

“What you do makes no sense. Young ladies do not act in this manner. I can think of no explanation except that you want marriage.”

“I have still never said I wish to marry you.”

“And yet when I ask you again what you want, you have no other answer.”

“I have already said that I wish to please you, that I want to have you teach me about desire. Can it not be that simple?” Could he not let this go or leave it until another time?

“So you do not want marriage? Do you dare answer with the truth?”

“I do not know what I want, beyond that I want this.” She gestured about the room.

“I find that hard to believe. You clearly did not want this.” His voice had picked up a harsh edge.

“Nevertheless, it is the truth. I may not have wanted Granderson, but I do want you.” And she was afraid that it might actually be the truth. “If you want full honesty, I cannot say I do not want marriage. I am a lady of three and twenty, well brought up and of decent expectations. My whole life has been geared to finding the right man to marry. I do not know how to change that. It is part of who I am. It was built into me. But I no longer wish to marry you. That I do know.” At least she was almost sure that was true.

“You certainly wanted to marry me a few months ago when you looked up at me with wide eyes, awaiting my proposal.”

“I do not know that that is fair—and I was not trying to force you.”

“I think it is fair.”

There was little she could say to that. She had been waiting for him to ask for her hand, had been sure that was what it was all leading to. It would be silly to pretend otherwise now. Her head ached and she raised a hand to her brow. “I will not deny that I hoped you would ask me, that I expected you to ask me.”

“And then I sent you away, while you looked at me like a sad puppy.”

“Yes,” she replied, although she did not like being compared to any type of dog, even a small and cute one.

“And yet you say do not wish to marry me now?”

“Yes.” She straightened her shoulders, sat more upright on the bed, wishing once again that her feet touched the floor. She wanted to stand and pace about, but there was no way to do it that would not make her look like a young child getting up in the morning.

“What has changed? How can I believe that suddenly your mind has swayed?” He sounded genuinely curious.

“I suppose I have changed. I do not find pleasure in not being wanted.”

“We have established that I do want you.”

“But not as a wife.”

“No, not as a wife.”

“I almost feel I should ask why again, but I trust you would not answer.” She could not believe she was prolonging this circular discussion.

“We are not suited,” he said, surprising her.

“I thought we were well suited.”

“That is because neither of us was acting ourselves. I was the young lord in search of an eligible bride, and you by the end were a sweet, pure young thing with hardly a spark of life about you. You say you want to do what I wish now, but perhaps that was the problem then. I would say it was raining and you would look out at the brilliant blue sky and agree. I was bored to death. And when I tried to kiss you, you would act as if I’d rubbed a cold fish upon my lips—or perhaps it was on your lips. You acted chilly enough.”

That was not very flattering, not very flattering at all. And there was a reason that she had changed near the end, had become so dull, so lacking in desire. How could he expect her to stay the same when he had a mistress? Well, he did not know that she knew—and he never would. But if she had changed, it was because of him. She had been protecting her emotions. And now she needed to put those away. “I was only trying to be pleasant, to act as a proper lady should.”

“Do you know why I first noticed you?”

“I rather thought you liked my dress and my appearance.”

“I admit that your looks do not hurt, although I am not sure I could describe a single dress you have worn—other than the red one the other night. No, I liked you because you were nice to Miss Sarah Swilp in a moment when no one else was. She had come into the room, most distressed, and you went over to see if you could help.”