An Optimist's Guide to Heartbreak (Heartsong #1)(55)

The wheel dips, then catapults us right back up. My belly knots, recalling how the ride came to a grinding halt last time with Cal and I stuck at the very top. I’d been terrified, digging my fingernails into his knee while my heart jack-knifed inside my chest. Emma hadn’t been scared at all. She was the fearless one. Instead, she bounced in her bucket, letting it swing precariously on its hinges as she squealed with a rush of excitement.

For a moment, I expect the wheel to get stuck again as we round the final spin and Cal’s voice thunders through me. “It’s not that I didn’t want to,” he says. “I just couldn’t.”

Swallowing, I peek over at him while we careen up over the top. I hold my breath as if we’re about to stall among the stars with our lips locked together.

Our eyes meet when we crest. I wonder if he’s thinking about it, too; maybe even wishing for it. Everything feels easier up here. Lighter, weightless.

But the ride doesn’t stall, and Cal doesn’t kiss me. Emma doesn’t materialize out of nowhere, and we don’t time travel into the past to rearrange history like a science fiction story.

We just step off the ride and walk away.

My feet carry me farther ahead of him, almost like I’m trying to escape the heavy hum of nothingness that just transpired.

“Lucy, wait.”

I pick at the floppy ear on my panda bear and clench my jaw, hearing his footsteps come up beside me. I’m not angry. I’m not even upset.

I don’t know what I am, but the cider already filtered through me, and the gum buzz is long gone. And Cal isn’t smiling anymore.

I think I’m just tired.

“Lucy,” he repeats.

I slow my pace, and that’s when I hear him mutter under his breath, “Fuck it.” His feet stall in my peripheral vision as he reaches for my wrist, pulling me to a stop, his eyes finding mine.

Cal swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing, irises reflecting neon and indigo against the Ferris wheel lights. “Come home with me.”

Come home with me.

He wants to spend more time together.

The dimming light inside of me switches back on, and a smile twitches on my mouth. I don’t even hesitate. “Okay.”

“Yeah?” Blinking a few times, he swallows again, as if he wasn’t expecting me to say yes. He staggers back, silent for a beat, just staring at me. “You want to?”

“Sure,” I nod. “I’d like that.”

The truth is, I don’t want the night to end on a sour note. I want to savor the sweetness of handholding and hard cider and water gun fights. Maybe he’ll forget that I ever brought up the past and hurled my impossible questions at him.

Cal is still gazing at me through narrowed eyes. Then he nods his head slowly, the ghost of a smile lifting on his mouth. “All right.”

“All right.”

His smile grows the moment mine does.

Then he takes my hand and drags me from the festival, his steps hurried, grip eager. I can’t help but glance up at the spinning Ferris wheel as we race past it toward the parking lot, the sound of young laughter ringing in my ears.

My mind must be playing tricks on me, or maybe it’s the little girl who asked us for tickets, but I swear—I swear I see her.

I see Emma swinging her bucket from side to side, pumping a victorious fist in the air as she smiles down at me, backlit by a sea of stars.





Chapter 15





Cal takes my hand as he leads me through his red front door. I remember when I was in junior high, I’d paint my fingernails red to appear older. My mom had a deep cherry color called “Vixen” that I’d sneak from her makeup drawer whenever I was going to visit Cal during that last year—the year of thirteen when I finally decided that boys weren’t gross and kissing them sounded appealing.

Kissing him sounded appealing.

They were painted red atop the Ferris wheel that night when Cal pressed his lips to mine for the first and only time.

“Come on, it’s perfect,” Emma said, her face brightening with expectation beneath the moon. “It’s so romantic up here among the stars.”

“Maybe it would be if you didn’t name them all after your boy band crushes,” Cal teased.

She stuck out her tongue at him, then pumped her fist in the air. “Kiss her, you chicken!”

My vixen nails had been digging into his kneecap, making me come across like a terrified little girl instead of the blossoming young woman I was attempting to be.

Still, he kissed me. Sweet, short, just the tip of his tongue poking out to trace my bottom lip before he pulled away and left me forever in love with him.

I sigh as I step through the threshold and watch as Cricket dives off the couch to hide underneath it. I’m determined to win her over one of these days. Maybe tonight while Cal and I curl up to watch a movie downstairs and avoid talking about Ferris wheels and cotton candy kisses and a little girl with fireflies in her eyes.

Cal moves in behind me as I traipse across his hardwood floors and set down my panda bear, my not-red fingertips grazing along the top of the sofa. We didn’t say much on the drive over, considering any words would have been swallowed up by the growl of his engine, but whenever we stationed at a stoplight, he’d touch me. He’d reach behind him and palm my outer thigh, causing me to lean into him as far as the helmet would allow.