An Optimist's Guide to Heartbreak (Heartsong #1)(45)

I wonder if he remembers those things in the same way I remember everything about him.

Sighing through my yawn, I rip the covers off and glance at the time on my phone.

7:02 a.m.

My eyes round at the notion that I managed to sleep in for once in my life. I’m almost always up by five, like clockwork. I start scrambling, throwing on the pair of jeans I’d discarded after meandering inside at some point around eleven last night, opting to sleep in only an oversized t-shirt instead of the onesie. I pull a cinnamon-brown sweater over my head and smooth back the fly-aways before venturing across the hall to the singular bathroom to freshen up.

When I finally make my way into the main living area, Cal is perched at the kitchen table with a mug of coffee.

He’s scrolling through his phone when he mutters without looking up, “Morning.”

“Good morning,” I breeze, glancing around the space for my dogs. It’s not long before I hear them barking outside in the yard, then spot them hopping along the fence line trying to intimidate some poor squirrel. Adorable heathens. “Sorry I’m up so late. That bed was delightfully comfortable.”

Cal lifts his chin, giving me a quick onceover. “Good.”

Fidgeting near the step where living room meets dining room, I glance at the bowl of cereal in front of him sitting beside a half-gallon jug of chocolate milk.

A smile blooms. “You still do that.”

“What?” he frowns, drawing the spoon to his mouth.

“Eat your cereal with chocolate milk.”

His eyes dart to the box of Rice Krispies, then to the milk, then back to me. “It’s delicious. Try it.”

“Pass, but thank you. How many cereal combinations have you tried?”

“Close to all of them. This one is the best, followed by Cheerios. Corn Flakes are pretty solid, too.”

My nose scrunches up. “Have you tried it with the fruity ones?”

“Yeah, they taste like citrus-fudge ass. Don’t recommend.”

Laughter spills out of me as I stroll forward, climbing the one step that separates the two rooms. I look around for Cricket, but she must be hiding. Hopefully, she gets used to me soon.

“I’m not really sure what to do with a person who doesn’t drink coffee, but I have orange juice,” Cal says through a mouthful of cereal. “Muffins are on the counter.”

Sure enough, a plastic container filled with four banana-nut muffins stare back at me. I’m certain they weren’t there yesterday. “Did you run out to get these?”

“Yeah,” he says, taking a sip from his mug that reads, “I’m a mechanic, not a fucking magician.” “Couldn’t sleep, so I made a stop. I got a few things for dinner tonight in case your house isn’t livable yet. You can stay as long as you need.”

As he rises to his feet and closes the top of the cereal box, I stand stock-still near the counter with my wide eyes glued to him. My expression goes slack and soft, my heart glowing with affection. “That was really sweet, Cal. Thank you.” Off his curt nod, I turn to open the muffin container, then ask curiously, “Why couldn’t you sleep?”

He doesn’t hesitate. Not even the slightest falter. “Because I couldn’t stop thinking about you straddling my lap last night, or about that kiss I regret not taking.”

My glowing heart ignites to inferno-level and nearly detonates inside my chest. Instead of reaching for a muffin, I grip the edge of the countertop instead, my back to him.

I have no idea how he manages to exude such a striking juxtaposition of relaxed intensity, but it never ceases to rip the air right out of my lungs. “Oh,” I squeak out. “Really?”

“Yeah. What about you?”

“M-me?” My breath is a-quiver, my limbs shaky. “Did I sleep?”

He sighs from behind me, rustling something at the table. “No, I know you slept. Did you dream about the kiss I know you wanted as much as I did?”

Cal is still all casual dynamite, and I close my eyes as if I can’t bear to look at his words. “We…we can’t do that.”

This has him faltering. A few silent beats pass before he says, “No?”

“I – I mean, it’s not a good idea.”

“Why? Because I’m your boss?”

I swallow, dipping my chin to my chest. I’m not sure how to tell him how inexperienced I am at nearly twenty-three years old. I don’t know how to explain my deep, dark fears when it comes to intimacy, or fill him in on a girl I used to know named Jessica.

I have no idea how to confess that kissing him would be the tipping point to love.

And love?

Love has teeth.

Love will eat us both alive.

“It’s not that. Well, that’s part of it, I guess, but it’s more than that, too. I just…” I squeeze my eyes tighter, confusion and indecision rattling my bones. I feel lost; out of my element. My words are scattered and unprepared. All I can manage is: “I can’t.”

I wait for his reply while anxiety crawls through me, but he doesn’t say anything.

Not right away.

Cal finally comes up behind me, caging me in with one arm on my left, one on my right. His hands curl around the countertop beside mine, and his breath tickles my ear when he leans forward. “I know when a woman is interested, so I’m not going to pretend to understand your reasons,” he murmurs, his broad chest flush against my spine. Swallowing me up. “But I’ll respect them. If that’s what you want.”