An Affair So Right (Rebel Hearts #4)(33)
“I want what you want,” Theodora whispered, fingers sliding seductively up Quinn’s arm.
Quinn craved her touch even as he worried at her motives in following him to his bedchamber at this hour. All through the day, when Quinn had felt the weight of his anger bearing down on his shoulders, Theodora’s fleeting touches had quieted his mind and given him renewed strength to endure the humiliation. He did not think she was aware of how much he’d needed her today.
She lay against him, rested her chin on his chest and held his gaze in a way that seemed too intimate for so short an acquaintance. Even as he marveled at her boldness, he craved more from her. “What do you imagine I’d want?”
Her smile was immediate. “I’m here for whatever you need. To talk, or not talk. Whatever it is, just ask, and it is yours.”
“I don’t want to talk.” What appealed to him as Theodora rubbed against him was a vastly improper use of his new secretary. But he could not use her just because he was angry and heartsick. He was wary of beginning an affair under the cloud of tonight’s events, too. He curved his lips in a tight smile. “I don’t want to think.”
“Then don’t. There is a time and place for everything. A time to be proper and a time to set aside everything just to feel.”
He touched her face, unable to help himself. He’d been committed to Adele for five happy years, or so he’d always foolishly imagined them to be. In all those years, he’d never once been tempted to indulge with another woman, whereas Adele had already strayed.
What would it feel like to take another woman to bed? Would he feel guilt or self-loathing in the morning for seeking comfort from a woman who thought she still depended on him for her livelihood? Her mother appeared not to have told Theodora about the gems he kept for them. He wasn’t sure why. “Is that what you did after your Daniel died? Carried on as if you were not broken inside and pleased yourself in private?”
“Yes, but not at first.” She touched his face too, scratching her nails over stubble gown too long. He’d not shaved since the night before, and the ruggedness of his appearance must have appealed, since she continued to stroke his face as if she was fascinated.
Adele could never bear him looking like this. She’d have ordered him home to shave before coming back to spend a few brief hours in her bed.
Was it really so wrong if Theodora was an eager participant—nay, enthusiastic seductress—in this affair? He had not invited her to come to his room or encouraged her beyond opening the door.
She smiled, blushing a little. “Daniel was not my husband, but I was expected to mourn him, to wear black and sit quietly in the corner as if my future had ended with his life. It was unfair. Daniel may have died, but that didn’t mean I had to die, too. I had my own dreams to fulfill that remain wanting still. There are desires to explore that he awakened. I was uncertain at first, but if one is cautious, and chooses the right time and partner, such selfishness can be a balm for the soul.”
“Selfishness?”
“Shared selfishness is perhaps a more appropriate description in our case.” She sighed. “No one ever touches me, but it is what I miss about my ill-fated engagement to Daniel. Connection. Comfort. Reassurance I am not alone, even for the length of one short hour to make love.”
Would he only be allowed an hour? Rushing intimacy had never been satisfactory, in his experience. “You’re not alone. You have your mother,” he reminded her as her hands moved over his body. Exploring.
“It is not the same. I miss a man’s passion more than I can bear at times,” she whispered. As her fingers crept toward his ear to tease, Quinn shivered with anticipation. “I would like to touch you,” she said, her lips parting and her breath quickening.
“I believe you already are.” He grasped her shoulder, drawn to reciprocate the attention she’d lavished on him all day. She sounded very lonely and so vulnerable. He knew the feeling, but still did not like to think he’d be taking advantage. He tried one last time to draw back. “Are you sure this is wise?”
“What I want is never wise. It is necessary, though.” Theodora unbuttoned the waistband of his trousers and then unbuttoned his shirtsleeves. “You were together a long time. Years, you said. Time spent together discussing your hopes and dreams. You’re angry at her, and that is understandable, even expected.”
“I imagined I’d marry her.” His confession startled him. He’d never revealed that to anyone. Not even his mother knew that he was contemplating the battle he might face to make Adele his wife.
Theodora smiled tightly. “And now?”
Now he never would. Adele had revealed her deceit. Her true colors. “I don’t want to imagine the woman anymore because when I do, I see my father, naked in her bed where I lay with her not three nights before.”
She slipped the shirt over his head, and her hands fell to his waist. “You need a new memory to cling to, if only temporarily.”
“Temporarily?”
“As I have already promised you, I have no ambitions to become a permanent part of your life. But satisfying this ache,” she slipped her hand into his trousers, and discovered he’d unwittingly become aroused by her proximity and their frank talk of pleasure, “can take your mind off a troubling image.”