All the Little Lights(127)

Chapter Thirty-Seven Catherine

I sat alone in the Youngbloods’ spare bedroom, wood paneling the backdrop for white-framed portraits Leigh had painted of the family. A wedding ring quilt covered the queen-size bed, an antique wooden dresser with a mirror against the white wall.

I smelled like a campfire, and even though Leigh had offered to let me use the shower, I declined. Watching the Juniper burn was unexpected closure, and a strange sense of calm came over me every time I inhaled. Mama could never go back. I would never have to go back. We were free.

A short knock on the door snapped me to the present, and I blinked.

“Hey,” Elliott said, his hair still wet from a shower. He was wearing a worn T-shirt and basketball shorts, and he padded to my bed in bare feet.

“Hey.”

“You okay?” he asked.

“No, but I will be.”

“Mr. Mason called Aunt Leigh. Mrs. Mason got a couple dozen stitches in her head. She has a concussion, but she’s going to be okay. Her sister, Lauren, is coming to help clean up, and then they said you should be able to come back when she gets home, if that’s okay with you. Is that . . . okay with you?”

I nodded. “I don’t think it’s right to ask your aunt and uncle to take me in.”

“They don’t mind. They really don’t.”

“Becca will need me. I should stay with her.”

Elliott nodded, sitting on the bed next to me. “That’s too bad. I could get used to this.” He handed me his phone, open to a group chat with Sam and Madison. “They’ve been blowing up my phone, worried about you. I told Maddy you’d call her in the morning.”

“How did you know?” I asked. “To come to the Juniper?”

“After I dropped you off, the farther I drove from the Masons’, the worse I felt. I couldn’t shake the bad feeling I’d had all night,” he said. “I pulled into Aunt Leigh’s driveway and then backed out and turned around. I drove back to the Masons’, saw the red and blue lights, and I parked where I stopped. I didn’t even shut my door. I just ran. When I saw the blood . . . I’ve never been so scared, Catherine. I tried fighting my way into the house. I screamed for you. That’s when Mr. Mason told me you were okay, but you’d left. I went straight to the Juniper. I knew that’s where you’d go.”

I hugged him, burying my face in his neck. “You came back.”

He leaned his head on mine. “I told you I would. And now that I know . . .”

“Now that you know . . . ,” I repeated, peering up at him.

He sighed, looking down at the carpet. I’d tried to push him away for so long. Now that he had a reason to walk away, it was more difficult to accept than I’d thought it would be. But if that was what he wanted, I wouldn’t blame him. What happened in the basement was almost too much for me to believe, and I couldn’t imagine the things going through Elliott’s mind.

“Say it,” I said.

“You could have told me. I wish you’d told me sooner.”

“It was a secret,” I said.

“And you can definitely keep a secret.”

I let him go, curling into myself. “It wasn’t mine to tell.”

He reached for me. “I’m not even sure how to process what just happened. Presley’s dead. Your mom . . .”

“It wasn’t her.”

Elliott nodded, but I could see in his eyes that he was having a hard time separating her from the others.

“Mama hasn’t been right for a long time. Looking back, I’m not sure she ever was. If things got too hard, she would seem to short-circuit and fall into a deep depression and stay in bed for days. Dad tried to shield her from that, to shield me. When he wasn’t home, I could see it. I could see them all in glimpses, but I didn’t know it at the time. Dad’s death made them stronger, and the Juniper was the perfect bridge to allow them out. When Duke and Poppy showed up with names, personalities so different from Mama, I was afraid. I didn’t understand, and the more I tried to speak to Mama when she was present as Duke or Poppy, the worse she became. When I played along, the personalities surfaced for longer periods of time, but her behavior was more predictable. At first, I let it continue because I didn’t want anyone to take Mama away, but now that they’re gone . . . I loved Althea and Poppy. I kept Mama’s secret to keep them. Now Presley is dead, and I’ve lost them all.”

Elliott rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s not your fault, Catherine.”

“Then whose fault is it?”

“Why does it have to be someone’s fault?”

“If I had gotten Mama help, Presley would still be alive. But I thought I could do it. I thought I could have both. I was sure I could have you and protect the Juniper for Mama.” I choked back another sob. “She’s gone. She’s guilty of murder because I was selfish.”

Elliott pulled me into his lap, and I pressed my cheek against his chest. “You’re the least selfish person I know. And you’re even braver than I thought.”

“In the end, it didn’t matter. I couldn’t save them. I didn’t even get to say goodbye.”

“We can go see her, you know. We can visit.”

“It will just be Mama.”