All I've Never Wanted(37)

“You try to seduce my Maya!” my grandmother declared. “Lollipops very phallic!” She shoved the lollipops into his hand and smacked him on the back of the head. Well, she tried anyway. Since she was so short and Roman was so tall, she only managed to swat his shoulder. “You shameful! Teenage boys these days, so dirty-minded! Now you listen. Maya has boyfriend. They marry after college. I no want you ruin that! You try to seduce her again, you regret it! I know Bruce Lee’s teacher!”

Roman just stared at the lollipops in his hand. “Isn’t Bruce Lee’s teacher dead?”

I groaned. Oh, that was the wrong thing to say.

My grandmother let out an indignant yelp. “You very insensitive boy! You no talk about Yip Man like that!”

“But all I said was that he’s dead. Which he is.”

By now, even I was starting to feel bad for him. “Um…you might just want to stop arguing with her,” I piped up, shooting him a warning look.

Luckily, my grandmother had moved on from the topic of her old friend Yip Man. Unfortunately, she had moved on to…Roman’s shirt.

“Mickey Mouse?” she gasped, staring at his torso like it had personally offended her. Which it had, I guess. In a way.

“Oh. Yeah.” Roman looked down. “It’s cute, right?”

I gulped, backing away slowly. This was not going to end well. At the same time, though, I couldn’t help feeling some perverse pleasure at the fact that he was getting totally beaten down by a seventy-year-old Asian lady.

“Cute?” my grandmother shrieked. “Mickey Mouse not cute! Disney World horrible! They want mice and ducks take over the world! And they charge you to help mice take over world! That what you want? Mickey Mouse be world king?”

“No?”

Judging by the look on Roman’s face, it was official. He thought my grandmother was batshit insane. Well, she does go crazy every time she sees Mickey Mouse. He had picked the worst possible day to wear that shirt, and the worst possible day to come to my house wearing that shirt.

My grandmother stormed over to the closet where we kept our cleaning supplies, yanked open the door, and pulled out a broom.

“No mice allowed in this house!” she declared, brandishing the broom like a weapon. “Get out! Get out, or I hit you with broom!”

“You don’t need to ask me twice,” Roman muttered.

I snickered, and he gave me a death glare. I waved innocently at him, my morning suddenly improved by leaps and bounds.

“Out!” My grandmother swatted at him with the broom, and he was smart enough to hightail it out of there before it made contact. "Shameful boy! Bring Mickey into the house!" She spit out the name like it was something foul. "Not welcome!"

When he finally left, I burst into laughter. Now I really wish I’d had a camera to document the whole encounter.

“Why you laughing?” my grandmother snapped huffily. “You wrong too! No lady with boyfriend let other boy in house." She stared disapprovingly at my outfit. "Especially not dress like that!" She clucked her tongue and lightly tapped by butt with the handle of her broom. "Your butt too big for those shorts! It get any bigger, it need its own zip code!"

I stopped laughing. Was my butt really that big? I twisted my head around to try and take a look. Regardless, it was probably a good idea to appease her for now. “I know, I’m sorry grandma.”

I stared down at the gift basket. Damn. He had taken those lollipops with him. “It won’t happen again.”

I was about to offer her an apple or something to calm her anger when my finger brushed against the teddy bear. Gosh, it was so soft…

I picked it up, accidentally pressing against the HUG ME pillow. “Goooood morning!” The high, squeaky mechanical voice almost caused me to drop the bear on the floor.

The bear continued. “Hug me! Hug me! I love you! Hug me!”

I stared down at the talking bear in disbelief and, unable to help myself, cracked up all over again.

* * *

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew pretending to be Parker’s girlfriend was going to drastically change my life at school. I just hadn’t known how much.

It all started when Zack and Adri showed up at my house Monday morning to give me a ride.

“What are you guys doing here?” I asked, staring at the two impossibly good-looking blondes in the front of Zack’s Porsche.


“We’re here to give you a ride!” Zack was nearly bouncing up and down in excitement. “It might be a bit tight—this car was made for two—but I’m sure you can fit! You’re really skinny.”

I blinked, my mind still a bit groggy from sleep. “Umm…why are you giving me a ride?”

Adriana pushed her Chanel sunglasses on top of her head and looked at me with an amused smile. Her blonde hair fell perfectly past her shoulders and her skin practically glowed.

Jeez, was it even human for someone to look that good so early in the morning?

“Well, you’re dating Parker now,” she pointed out. “We can’t have you walking to school anymore.”

“It’s bad for his image,” Zack supplied helpfully. “And for the Scions’ image as a whole.”

I hitched my backpack straps higher onto my shoulder. “I thought you guys didn’t care what people thought.”