All I Believe (Firsts and Forever, #10)(2)
I was sure our flight had begun boarding by that point, so I stepped forward to intervene. “Nana, please just let them have it. We don’t need that.”
“Oh now don’t say that, Nico,” she said, twisting away from the TSA agent in a full-blown game of keep-away. “I know you haven’t been getting any since you left your * boyfriend for cheating on you, but honey, it’s been over two years! I only say this because I love you. You need to get back out there and find some wienie dongle!” She bent and dodged as the agent grabbed for the tube in her hand. “And once you do, you’re gonna need this! Trust me, I know. I told you I watched some of that adult entertainment. You’re probably pretty out of practice, but just remember, you gotta slick it before you stick it!”
Since the earth was being totally uncooperative and not actually opening up and swallowing me whole, I tried to make the horror end by grabbing the lube myself. Nana gripped it hard when I did that. The little flip top popped open, and she hosed me down with pretty much the entire tube. “Oh shit, sorry about that,” she exclaimed.
Lube soaked into my chambray shirt and dripped from my hair. I licked my lower lip and said, “Yup. Bacon.” The bottom of my laptop had taken a big hit and I shook off some of the viscous liquid, then took off my glasses and wiped them on my khakis. Jessie hurried through the scanner and tried to help by wiping off my cheek with his palm. He said, “On the plus side, you smell really good. I have a sudden craving for a BLT. I bet this is a great way to meet men, actually, by totally reeking of bacon. What guy doesn’t love that? Well, I mean, vegetarians wouldn’t, but everyone else is going to be all over you.”
“Can we please catch our flight now?” I asked with practiced calm as Jessie pushed my soaked black hair out of my eyes.
“Sure. Right after we get my stuff back,” Nana told me. “Like I said, I bought that lube for you, and that flask was a wedding present! No way am I leaving it behind!”
I heaped my things on the counter beside Nana’s purse and grabbed the flask, twisted the lid off and chugged the contents. Ugh, brandy. So gross. I coughed once, then tossed the empty flask into her open handbag. “You can refill that on the plane, and Jessie and I both have lube in our checked bags. Don’t we, Jess?” He grinned and nodded. “We’re totally set. Now let’s go catch that plane.” I grabbed my possessions and headed toward the gate in my socks, my lubed up shirt sticking to my chest.
Fortunately, Nana said, “Well shit, why didn’t you tell me you’d planned ahead? That’s all I needed to hear.” She tossed aside the empty tube, picked up her handbag, and daintily smoothed her up-do before following Jessie and me.
Our flight had, in fact, started boarding. We were in first class, which meant cushier seats and more ass-kissing. The flight attendant’s bright smile faltered just a bit when I dropped into my seat and looked at her through my lube-smeared glasses. “Can you start serving alcohol yet?” I asked.
“In first class, yes sir.”
“Great. Please bring my grandmother four tiny bottles of brandy, and please bring me a whole lot of whatever has the highest alcohol content. Jess, you want anything?”
“Nah, I’m good,” he called. He and my grandmother were seated in front of me.
A businessman in a three-piece suit sat down beside me, then sniffed and looked around. “That’s me,” I told him flatly. “My grandmother squirted me down with bacon-flavored anal lube. I don’t think that smell is going away anytime soon. Sorry.” He couldn’t get away from me fast enough. Another flight attendant reseated him at the front of the first-class cabin, and I dumped my things onto his seat. Apparently some good could come from smelling like pork products.
As the plane filled, I put myself back together, sliding on my loafers, fastening my watch to my wrist, threading my belt through the loops on my khakis and buckling it. I then used the sleeve of my jacket to polish my glasses before folding it neatly and stashing it in my lubed up backpack, along with my laptop. By the time the first flight attendant returned and discreetly handed Nana and me little paper sacks full of miniature booze bottles, I was more or less back to myself, apart from the smell and the big squirt mark across my light blue shirt. I thanked her for the alcohol and grabbed the first bottle of anything. “May I place your backpack in the overhead compartment, sir?” she asked me, her nostrils flaring slightly at the synthetic, kosher, vegan, gluten free, but oddly dead-on bacon smell, still trying to pretend that everything about me was perfectly normal. God love first class.
I pulled out a stack of law journals, shoved them in the seat pocket in front of me, and handed her the backpack. “Thank you,” I said politely, then tossed back three mini booze bottles in quick succession. I drew circles in the air with an empty bottle of vodka and told her, “If you keep these coming, I promise to pass out soon and be way less of a total freak show.” Her rehearsed smile wavered again and she hurried back to the galley.
As the crew closed the door to the airplane and prepared for take-off, the sound of my grandmother’s snoring drifted back to me. Jessie got up and took the seat beside mine. He was vibrating with excitement as he fastened his seatbelt. “This is it! I can’t believe our vacation is finally here! I’m so excited I could puke!” He practically climbed onto my lap to look out the window as the plane began rolling away from the gate.