Alex (Cold Fury Hockey, #1)(90)
With his words trailing off, Alex faced forward again to stare at the floor.
“I’m sensing a ‘but’ in there,” I prompted. I needed him to say it because I could already tell by the dejected tone in his voice and the defeated body language what was coming next.
“But,” he picked up where I left off, “I think you may be the one who’s distracting me from my game.”
Okay, so that’s maybe not where I thought the conversation was going. I sensed that I was in the middle of what was going to be a very painful breakup, but I didn’t think Alex would blame his poor play on me. If anything, I thought he’d say this was moving too fast, or that he simply wasn’t ready for a committed relationship.
The fact that he seemed to be laying his woes on my doorstep sort of pissed me off, so I know my words came out harsher than I meant them to. “You seriously can’t be blaming me for your poor stats.”
“It’s not blame, Sutton,” he said apologetically while turning to face me again. “It’s about distraction.”
“Distraction?” I asked, a tad shrilly as I stood up from the couch. “You call what we have…what we’ve done…what we’ve meant to each other a distraction?”
Sitting back up, Alex rubbed at the bridge of his nose. “No, that’s not what I’m trying to say. You’re twisting it.”
“Well, make it clearer to me.” I put my hands on my hips and glared down at him.
Standing up slowly from the couch, he took a step toward me but made no move to touch me.
Instead, he placed his hands in his pockets. “I have a lot of stuff going on in my life right now. A career that could be on the verge of collapsing, a sick, alcoholic father and—”
“Me,” I provided for him angrily. “You have me. To support you, to help you out, to love you. But you don’t see me like that, do you?”
“I just—” he started to say, but I had heard enough.
“Say it, Alex,” I taunted him. “Tell me you don’t love me, because you sure as hell never said the words to me, despite the fact I’ve given them to you along with my heart. Tell me that I’m just a distraction and that you think I’m hurting your precious career.”
“That’s not what I’m trying to say!” he shouted at me, pulling his hands out of his pockets and throwing them out to the side helplessly.
“Then what are you trying to say?” I asked desperately, tears pooling in my eyes. “Because this is a breakup, right, Alex? This is all leading to us going our separate ways tonight, right?”
Taking a deep breath and letting it out, he looked at me apologetically. “Yes, that’s where it’s going.”
Turning my back on him, I looked blankly at my fireplace, and when I blinked, the first rush of wetness slid down my cheeks. I wiped at it quickly with the back of my hand.
“Well…at least you’re honest,” I mutter.
“Painfully so,” he murmurs sadly.
“I don’t understand,” I said, my voice quavering. “I thought we had something special.”
Walking up behind me, Alex put his hands on my shoulders and leaned in to kiss me on the top of my head. His voice was soft but the ringing tone of finality pierced my eardrums. “It was special, Sutton. Very special. But I need to get my focus back, and the only way I can think to do that is by taking a break from you right now.”
Turning around to face him, I asked incredulously, “Take a break? Sort of the way Brandon wanted to take a break from me? So he could go sow his wild oats? What? You want to go live out your career while being single, so you don’t miss out on a damn thing with an anchor tied around you?”
Alex blinked at me in surprise and I could tell he never once considered the similarity between what he was doing and what Brandon did. This infuriated me even more, so I really let him have it.
“You’re a coward, Alex,” I told him, a small sob bursting out of my mouth. “You’re too afraid to take the risk that something might actually be really good for you. You’re too scared to step outside of the little, protected, f*cked-up world that your dad created for you, and really take a chance at love. You’re so much of a coward, you gladly use me as your scapegoat, when what really is going on is that you’re still just that sad and scared little boy that your dad twisted years ago.”
My breaths were shallow and I’d worked myself up to a simmering rage. Alex was starting to get angry as evidenced by the splotches of red on his cheeks.
Pointing a finger at me, he said, “You don’t know what it was like—”
“Save it,” I cut him off. “I know more than you think I do, so you can’t bullshit me. I’m not saying it’s easy to overcome, Alex, because it’s not. It’s f*cking hard as hell. But you know how you overcome it?”
He stared at me blankly for a moment then shook his head.
“You overcome it by hard work. By not giving up. By striving for something better. You learn to forgive and move on, and you learn from your pain. You don’t let it control you, and you certainly don’t hide from it.”
Alex’s gaze fell to the floor, and I could tell by the way his shoulders sagged that my words hit home. I waited for that crucial moment, where maybe he would decide to accept the challenge I laid on his doorstep, and start putting his life back together. I waited hopefully for him to realize that a shot at love is worth the hard work and pain.