After You Left(22)

Evelyn hadn’t known this. Her secretive mother had never said.

‘I’m not proud I stood you up, Eddy. I’ve never done that once I’ve made a promise. It was a horrid thing to do.’

‘So I was just the unlucky one, eh?’

He might have been faking hurt feelings, but perhaps that was wishful thinking; Evelyn saw genuine regret in his eyes, and she was a little dumbfounded by it. ‘It was twenty years ago, Eddy.’

‘I was devastated when I knocked on your door and you weren’t there. I was surprised I could be so bothered about it, actually. And it was more than just a pride thing. It was because I’d expected better of you – of the situation. I thought meeting me had left you feeling the same way it had left me. I remember dancing with you and thinking, Right at this moment, looking at this girl, this could be what holding The One feels like. That’s how big of an impression you made on me, Evelyn.’

‘You’d probably just drunk too much.’

He looked neither disappointed nor surprised that she was making light of it, just reflective. ‘Anita said you were always a bit uppity and high on yourself.’

Evelyn’s jaw dropped. ‘What? How dare she? She didn’t even know me! I’d never even met her until her wedding day!’

His serious face burst into a smile.

‘You’re teasing me!’

‘I am.’

‘Good heavens, you haven’t changed one iota!’ He was exactly the same Eddy.

‘Yup, I bet you left for your nice life in London, and you never even gave me a second thought!’

She extended him one of her withering blinks. ‘Actually, when I left, I had no idea what sort of life I was leaving for. I just wanted to get away from here at the time; that was all I’d ever wanted for some insane reason – to not have a life like my mother’s, and like that of every other woman I saw. Though right now, I’ve no idea what was exactly wrong with it. But can we please stop trying to make me feel bad? It’s becoming tiring.’

‘I was only getting started.’ Again, that smile.

‘And if you must know, I didn’t leave without a backward glance. I had some serious misgivings. I think I had a very strong sense that, in order to go off and pursue what I thought I wanted, I was walking away from something . . .’ She couldn’t find the right word. Something monumental. Someone who perhaps only came your way once. ‘I suppose right when I thought I’d been everywhere, seen everything and done everything in my home town, you came along and you were different to the rest. And strange as it was, I never really knew you, yet I felt the loss of you as I was leaving. And I went on feeling it for a long time after I left.’

She remembered sitting on the train thinking, Why am I not exhilarated about what’s ahead? Why am I thinking of what might have been? Why is it that I want to pluck him up and take him out of the North East? Why is it that I can’t? And, finally: Why am I so damned messed up?

‘But you obviously found what you were looking for, because you never came back.’

She wondered if he were referencing Mark now, if he were remembering him from that one time at the Mayfair.

She pulled her tangerine cotton cardigan tighter across her chest. He seemed to notice her every move. His eyes kept casting over her hair. She had taken it out of its ponytail earlier, and it hung freely around her shoulders. She wondered if he was faithful, if he was still attracted to his wife, what kind of husband he’d have made.

‘So you’re really going to sell this place?’ he asked, and she was relieved he’d changed the topic.

‘I don’t think I have much choice.’

‘You don’t sound too enthusiastic.’ His eyes circled her face like a hummingbird around a petunia.

‘I don’t know. I’ve always loved Holy Island. It’s such a part of me. Of course, I didn’t know that until I left. I sometimes think my heart will break to see the home where I grew up go.’

She remembered those trips back here in the early days of her marriage, when she had an inkling that she wasn’t as happy as a new bride ought to have been. Being here made London and Mark feel like another life. And it always saddened her that she missed neither in the way that she believed she should have. She and Mark had met six months after she had arrived in London. She had always imagined she’d have had a few more dalliances first. And yet Mark had qualities she could never have hoped to find in one person. While she was living alongside him, she could never make sense of her discontent, especially given that she had a privileged life, one that would have been unattainable for most girls of her background, and it was in Evelyn’s nature to be grateful. Plus, she loved him. Yet as soon as she came home, she saw it straightforwardly. She had gone to London not really knowing where life would take her. But somehow she had arrived too quickly, and found out too soon.

‘Don’t grieve for a house, Evelyn. It’s just a structure. The really important stuff is locked away in here.’ He tapped his temples. ‘You carry this with you always . . . If you’re happy with your life, it’s best to let your past stay in the past and just treasure it from a healthy distance.’

Her brows pulled together. ‘This is making me sad.’

‘Don’t be sad. You have great memories, and nothing can take them away. And you’re lucky, you know. That’s more than many people have.’