Addicted After All(36)

{ 12 }

LOREN HALE



I want to f*cking scream.

At no one in particular.

If I could, I’d disappear in my bedroom with Lily and try to get her to a better place than the one she’s at. I hate that she’s anxious, and I hate that she’s scared of herself. And I recognize what just happened—that she became aroused from someone other than me. It’s not a new development. Since she’s been pregnant, she’s gotten hot from almost everything.

What’s different is that she’s starting to let her addiction f*ck with her mind. Affect our relationship. I won’t let anything tear us apart. Especially not something we’ve both been fighting for so long.

“Loren!” my father calls.

I stand on the stairs uneasily, about to drop Lil on her feet, but she spiders my body, terrified more of herself than of my dad in the living room. After years of dealing with her sex addiction, I know how to help her, but I can’t respond to him and her at the same time.

“Lo,” she breathes.

“Lil,” I say, cupping her face with one hand and her ass with the other. I force her gaze to mine, and she cuts me off before I can speak.

“I’m only attracted to you. You know that, right?” Fear spikes her voice.

I can feel my face sharpen in aggravation. Not at her. Just the situation. I wanted time to take her upstairs and talk to her. “I know, Lil—”

“Loren, come here, now,” my dad interrupts again.

“One second!” I yell back. This is my only moment to get her on the same page as me. “Lil, you know how much you love porn?”

She nods, and I wipe some of her silent tears. My stomach twists the longer she’s upset.

“That’s all this is. You’re turned on by a lot of stuff, love. We live with two other couples, and one is into PDA…” I watch her face scrunch as she tries to understand. I figured out that she’d be aroused by the PDA quickly, and I mentioned to Connor that I was concerned she’d become scared of Ryke and him.

It’s a small regression, a speed bump.

So we tested it out. He stood behind her for a few seconds. Not even that close. I’ve seen Lily freak, but never about Connor—someone she used to think was gay.

Lily shakes her head repeatedly at me, confusion seeping in her green eyes. “I’m not turned on by your brother,” she whispers with wide eyes, her fingers digging into my shoulders.

“He could’ve been anyone, Lil. Do you understand?” The pain in her eyes—pain for me, thinking she’s hurt me somehow—breaks my heart into too many goddamn pieces. I just want to hold her tightly until it’s just us left. No one around us. Drown everything out.

She rubs her eyes. “Ryke is like a porn star?”

I almost laugh, but her chin quivers. “Lil?” My lungs drop.

“I’m not allowed to watch porn,” she says with worry. “So…if everything is like porn, then…”

No. Christ no. “Lil, don’t be afraid of the f*cking world, please.” I can’t have her scared to go outside again. I’m screwing this up, really badly. And this isn’t like a failed grade on a test. I am holding my girlfriend’s wellbeing in my hands right now.

“I just…how do I fix this?” she asks me.

“LOREN!” my dad calls, like a knife in my gut.

My fingers slide into her straight brown hair and I say, “You just have to accept that what you feel is okay.”

Tears squeeze out of her eyes. “Lo…” Her throat bobs. “…it doesn’t feel okay.”

I kiss her cheek, and I whisper, “After we get done talking to my dad, I’m going to show you that it is.”

“LOREN!”

“Give him a f*cking break,” Ryke retorts downstairs.

My veins pulse hard. I trust that if I leave her alone, she won’t touch herself. But in this moment, I don’t want her to face a challenge that she’s already hurdled fifty million f*cking times. It’s one that’s never easy, and she doesn’t need to prove herself after an agonizing hour.

I’d rather her not be in pain at all. That means I enable her and have sex. I can’t do that. I have to settle for somewhere in the middle of pain and ecstasy. Between a high and a low.

It sounds easier finding that place than it really is.

I bring her downstairs with me, carrying her in a front-piggyback. When we enter the living room, the fireplace is lit, and outside the fogged windows, snow falls. The air is strained, especially as Ryke and my father stay standing while Daisy fidgets on the suede loveseat, crossing and uncrossing her long legs.